Seeking Advice: Nanny Refuses to Drive Teen After Weed Incident

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good luck finding a nanny job where you only need to drive and cook nanny is being stupid.

Actually it’s hard to find a nanny like that. She’s in better shape than OP. OP will have a harder time finding someone who wants such spot work.

[Anonymous]

The nanny IS being (or faking being) paranoid. You don't get pulled over for SMOKING while driving. There is no way she's getting in trouble.

However, she is also being smart. She knows she has the leverage here and you've got nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't think she is in the wrong, but it doesn't matter. This job, which involves driving your kid as an essential element, no longer works for her. And that is fine, just tell her you will give her a great reference, and some reasonable amount of severance, but you need to find someone who can drive the kids.


She now knows the kid has weed in the car. So she can't even plead ignorance if it happens and she gets caught. I am not sure if you can fire someone without repercussions if you fire them for not wanting to be party to criminal activity.

I would say the chances of being arrested for having a teen charge with a minimal amount of weed on them as a nanny driver are quite low, and I assume OP has also told the kid it is unacceptable to have the weed and it can never happen again. If the nanny does not feel comfortable, she's free to find a different job. This would not work for me at all - if I have paid someone for the primary duty of transporting my kid and they don't feel comfortable doing it, we are at an impasse.

You know, I am really not a big consequences person. But this situation makes me think the kid really needs to feel the consequences of his actions. It’s a HUGE deal that his behavior means someone could lose their job (a job he was extremely privileged to benefit from in the first case). This kid needs a reality check. I’d probably keep the nanny but make kid stay home the rest of the summer or do an extremely boring summer camp at a rec center that he can get himself to.

[Anonymous]

Nanny should call the police on this lady letting her son bring weed into a car

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't need a criminal nanny. You need a criminal nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The nanny IS being (or faking being) paranoid. You don't get pulled over for SMOKING while driving. There is no way she's getting in trouble.

However, she is also being smart. She knows she has the leverage here and you've got nothing.

Maybe she’s more cautious than she needs to be based on the actual risk. But that’s what OP and her kid need a reality check on: just because OP feels she’s handled the behavior doesn’t mean she can control everyone else’s reaction. And many people react very negatively to teen drug & alcohol use. You can’t expect them to brush it off just because you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny should call the police on this lady letting her son bring weed into a car

What do you think the police would do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think she is in the wrong, but it doesn't matter. This job, which involves driving your kid as an essential element, no longer works for her. And that is fine, just tell her you will give her a great reference, and some reasonable amount of severance, but you need to find someone who can drive the kids.

She now knows the kid has weed in the car. So she can't even plead ignorance if it happens and she gets caught. I am not sure if you can fire someone without repercussions if you fire them for not wanting to be party to criminal activity.

This makes no sense. The kid got caught with weed in the car one time and was punished. Nanny doesn't "know" kid has weed in the car for all of perpetuity. Why couldn't she plead ignorance if it were to happen again? Whether or not its right for OP to continue to ask the nanny to drive, this is not the same as asking her to be party to criminal activity. All the over-the-top catastrophizing isn't helpful at all.

[Anonymous]

I would not be comfortable driving the kid around. The nanny is paranoid because she knows the kid never faces consequences; he will continue to bring weed in the car and will say it belongs to the nanny if they get stopped. If nanny is not a citizen, weed possession could mess up her immigration (which is a federal issue) status.

OP needs to let the nanny go and offer her a good compensation package. Future nannies also need to know the full story about why the nanny left. Don’t just say nanny was let go because she didn’t want to drive your kid, disclose why she didn’t want to drive the kid.

[Anonymous]

This is not only a weed/drug abuse issue (especially when child is not of driving age) but a parenting issue. There would be serious consequences in my home, regular searches and let him walk or you drive him. Nanny is right.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Wow, 100% team nanny.

Sounds like your kid isn't old enough to drive (<16?) and you dont seem to GAF that your child had drugs? And you dont GAF that your nanny could have had her car impounded? Because of your POS kid? How dare you call her paranoid. I hope she quits on you with 0 notice. You sound like an awful person to work for.

It's our car and we don't side with our teen the nanny is refusing to drive the teen anymore

What do you mean you don’t side with your teen? This whole post is about how to keep your teen’s schedule (driving) on track. Not a mention that maybe it shouldn’t on track anymore.

We already setup and paid for camps, and other summer activities that need to be driven to while we work. Not doing them aren't punishments, punishments are already handled.

Wow. I see where your priorities are. You aren’t taking this seriously at all.

Some of you on this board are really crazy. Is OP supposed to quit her job and not have childcare for the summer because her kid possessed weed? Also it is likely better for her son to be active at a camp with supervision than home unattended while she works.

Needing transportation/childcare is a separate issue than punishment for weed use (which OP indicates has been addressed).

Also, I think while of course this is reasonably a huge deal to the nanny and her feelings are justified, that in order to actually be convicted of a crime, the prosecutors would have to show knowledge of the drugs and some sort of implied possession/control. Not to mention in many jurisdictions weed use is decriminalized. So from a purely legal standpoint, I don’t think this is catastrophe some posters are making it out to be. Although I totally get why the nanny would want to avoid any potential hassles of this altogether.

Ultimately this comes down to a matter of the family needing to regain the nanny’s trust. Which I think means validating her feelings and making sure the son understands the seriousness of dragging an innocent person into this. Maybe there could even be some sort of addition to the contract about OP’s family being financially liable for any legal fees, missed work, etc. caused by any teenage misconduct. Also, she should have free rein to search and/or question him for the foreseeable future and he should be making his amends to her.

Ultimately though if she was hired to drive OP’s kids around and she doesn’t feel comfortable doing the job duties, then this employment isn’t going to work out. If it seems non salvageable trust-wise then I’d offer a severance and voluntary termination of employment with promise of good references if that is what the nanny prefers (versus resuming her job duties).

A kid under 16 who is not driving and has weed would be sent away to summer camp where he or she could be supervised so they wouldn't have time to buy weed. If they can afford a nanny they could afford a sleep away camp.

A kid that age who has week is most likely a difficult kid and the nanny probably doesn't want to have to spend any time with him or her.

I know you want to think this, but it’s not necessarily the case. I know because I was smoking pot by 14/15 years old and was a gifted/honors student. Homework done every night. Abided by curfew. Looked like a goody two shoes on the surface. I knew friends with super religious parents doing drugs. Kids from good families who were very nice. Parents had no clue. We could all be sneaky and knew where to hide things.

I realize it makes you feel safe to assume only the difficult kids are doing stuff, but these accusations aren’t reflective of the truth. There’s a lot of facts being filled in her to make OP out to be the villain to make other people feel immune from this.

If you looked like a goody two shoes then you weren't caught and even if you were the nanny probably wouldn't have minded driving you. Sounds like OP's kid is not at all like you. The kid should have been sent away this summer for camp instead of being left at home in this uncomfortable situation for the nanny. The kid is most likely mad the nanny won't drive him or her so is probably being a jerk to the nanny.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all 10 pages, but even though op responded in the first two pages, they never mention the type of consequences, just that there were consequences. My guess is that nanny knows that this kid wasnt punished enough and didn’t learn his lesson and he’s going to do it again.

Get a new nanny, op. And…parent your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the replies, but it seems like you are not getting much helpful advice, OP.

Personally, I would offer to reimburse nanny for consulting with a lawyer on what her responsibility would be if the child had weed in their possession while she was driving.

This will either reassure the nanny or she will dig in her heels, and either way you have your answer.

thanks this is helpful the rest is focused on the teen which is already handled

If you terminate the nanny be prepared for her to file for unemployment and state on the form why she was fired. If you challenge the claim it will be elevated to resolve. If she’s paid under the table that is a tax evasion headache you’ll have to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone carrying on about the nanny doing something illegal. Isn't marijuana legal in DC, MD, and VA for adults? Exactly what would the nanny be getting arrested for?

1. OP did not state the nanny’s age. If under 21, alleged possession could still be an issue. And there is the long shot federal exposure as well.

2. While the likelihood of the nanny getting charged at all nonetheless seems pretty slim, and the likelihood of conviction even lower, it only takes one bad-attitude cop to screw up her life. She doesn’t owe OP that.

3. The nanny needs a new job and the OP should provide a significant severance benefit and references to facilitate that.

4. The OP’s problem isn’t the nanny, it’s her druggie son. The first thing she needs to do is stop calling marijuana by cutesy nicknames and get serious about her son’s drug abuse. One of the hallmarks of a drug problem is that it interferes with social/occupational functioning, and here we are with the drug possession causing problems with the nanny (social) and getting to school and activities (occupational).

[Anonymous]

The Nanny knows your kid and your parenting. She knows the marijuana use is ongoing and that the matter has not really been dealt with.