Seeking Advice: Nanny Refuses to Drive Teen After Weed Incident

[Anonymous]

An occasional user isn’t going to keep a bag on them. He’s probably selling. Ask the nanny she seems like the only one that knows this kid.

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone carrying on about the nanny doing something illegal. Isn't marijuana legal in DC, MD, and VA for adults? Exactly what would the nanny be getting arrested for?

Just to pick up the green card/visa theme above, the fact that marijuana is still illegal at the federal level means that being caught with marijuana can cost a person their immigration status.

[Anonymous]

Nanny may have undocumented friends or family and not wish to attract attention to her address.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She knows if they get pulled over and the drugs are founds your son will throw her right under the bus. It’s sad but she probably wants to quit but can’t afford it.

Based on how OP has responded here, I can definitely see them siding with the teen and blaming everything on the nanny had there been criminal charges or consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nanny should call the police on this lady letting her son bring weed into a car

What do you think the police would do?

Cite him for minor in possession. How will he answer the question if he’s ever been arrested or cited for a criminal offense in his college application?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are the parent; she is more objective and disagrees with your belief that this won't happen again. She is not being unreasonable; the job function does put her at risk through no fault of her own. No matter how small some people think this risk is, the consequences are potentially severe enough that not taking that risk is reasonable.

Think about it: changing her mind will require you to give her false legal advice that she is at zero risk if he does it again, or convince her that this child she knows, who fooled her once, is so thoroughly changed by whatever consequence you gave (believing it was the "first time") that he will never again succumb to the temptation that caused him to choose to buy drugs for himself and bring them home while high. Not likely.

You have two options, which have been explored on this thread by a lot of people:

- eliminate the job function of being in a vehicle with this child, thereby eliminating the risk; or
- part ways with the nanny, doing whatever you can to minimize the risk of being sued.

The first option will require adjustments to your son's summer plans, either the activities or the transportation means.
The second option will require you to hire a lawyer and find the best way to settle fairly with the nanny and make her content enough with the terms of the transition.

You seem to be holding out for a unicorn response that allows you to have your weed and smoke it too, but you can't, because you cannot force this adult to take the risk of driving drugs around, no matter how much you believe that risk has been eliminated. She was fooled once and will not be fooled again.

Also, this is not the nanny's fault, so aim your understandable frustration at the situation your son has created elsewhere.

Final thought on "this was the first time": there is a big difference between a kid who succumbs to peer pressure and crosses the line to take a puff at a party for the first time, and a kid who comes home high with his own stash of weed in his backpack. When you say "first time" do you really just mean first time he was caught? I think if you took a survey of people's own first encounters with marijuana, very few would look like this. If you surveyed parents whose kid were caught in this situation, the number who are told it was the "first time" would be very ... high.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I was hoping for more helpful responses rather than attacks on our parenting. I think the lesson learned is to not be as open about personal family issues with the nanny and to treat her more like an employee.

The resolution we have come up with is that the nanny will only drive our child to school, activities, and other non-social events. After the teen's punishment period, if our teen wants to go to a friend's house or make a stop somewhere, we will take care of it, or the teen can walk.

To clarify, we are very generous with pay and benefits. Most nannies typically handle full-time care of small children, crying babies, etc., for 40+ hours a week. In our case, since the kids are older, the nanny only needs to cook, do laundry, and drive, which takes up much less time, but we still pay her a full-time salary. It may be that the nanny hasn’t seen what’s out there, so she might be short-sighted about her good situation.

Additionally, we are very open, caring, and sharing, which again, was likely an issue here.

Posting here has not been helpful. I'm not sure what judgmental people are on this platform, but it's sad to see such negativity. With the prevalence of teens and marijuana, especially since it's been legalized and downplayed in our society, I think many of you will encounter similar situations. I would be more than happy to give helpful advice rather than tear down parents without understanding the personal situation.

The lesson learned is to keep things professional between employer and employee. Personal family issues should be kept within the family. More disclosure and openness aren’t always the best approach, even if you feel close to your nanny; she’s still an employee.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean that you've been "too open" with her? Do you think you should have hid the fact that your son was transporting drugs with her driving? It sounds like you will not be disclosing any further potential legal issues with her and purposely keeping her in the dark. That is not a good look for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP. Instead of dealing with your son, you are calling the nanny “paranoid”?? You are a POS.

The son needs to be dealt with, but the nanny is being paid to drive him. If she won't, then you need a new nanny

No. Do not put a low paid employee in the position of potentially going to jail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was hoping for more helpful responses rather than attacks on our parenting. I think the lesson learned is to not be as open about personal family issues with the nanny and to treat her more like an employee.

The resolution we have come up with is that the nanny will only drive our child to school, activities, and other non-social events. After the teen's punishment period, if our teen wants to go to a friend's house or make a stop somewhere, we will take care of it, or the teen can walk.

To clarify, we are very generous with pay and benefits. Most nannies typically handle full-time care of small children, crying babies, etc., for 40+ hours a week. In our case, since the kids are older, the nanny only needs to cook, do laundry, and drive, which takes up much less time, but we still pay her a full-time salary. It may be that the nanny hasn’t seen what’s out there, so she might be short-sighted about her good situation.

Additionally, we are very open, caring, and sharing, which again, was likely an issue here.

Posting here has not been helpful. I'm not sure what judgmental people are on this platform, but it's sad to see such negativity. With the prevalence of teens and marijuana, especially since it's been legalized and downplayed in our society, I think many of you will encounter similar situations. I would be more than happy to give helpful advice rather than tear down parents without understanding the personal situation.

The lesson learned is to keep things professional between employer and employee. Personal family issues should be kept within the family. More disclosure and openness aren’t always the best approach, even if you feel close to your nanny; she’s still an employee.

No, not all of our kids are selling drugs (because he isn't just smoking if he's carrying qty around) or endangering our staff. You really need to pull your head out of your a$$ because this kid is going down a bad track and you don't even seem to care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was hoping for more helpful responses rather than attacks on our parenting. I think the lesson learned is to not be as open about personal family issues with the nanny and to treat her more like an employee.

The resolution we have come up with is that the nanny will only drive our child to school, activities, and other non-social events. After the teen's punishment period, if our teen wants to go to a friend's house or make a stop somewhere, we will take care of it, or the teen can walk.

To clarify, we are very generous with pay and benefits. Most nannies typically handle full-time care of small children, crying babies, etc., for 40+ hours a week. In our case, since the kids are older, the nanny only needs to cook, do laundry, and drive, which takes up much less time, but we still pay her a full-time salary. It may be that the nanny hasn’t seen what’s out there, so she might be short-sighted about her good situation.

Additionally, we are very open, caring, and sharing, which again, was likely an issue here.

Posting here has not been helpful. I'm not sure what judgmental people are on this platform, but it's sad to see such negativity. With the prevalence of teens and marijuana, especially since it's been legalized and downplayed in our society, I think many of you will encounter similar situations. I would be more than happy to give helpful advice rather than tear down parents without understanding the personal situation.

The lesson learned is to keep things professional between employer and employee. Personal family issues should be kept within the family. More disclosure and openness aren’t always the best approach, even if you feel close to your nanny; she’s still an employee.

No, the lesson isn’t to avoid telling your nanny about the risk. The lesson is to not put your nanny at risk of GOING TO JAIL because of your child’s pot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was hoping for more helpful responses rather than attacks on our parenting. I think the lesson learned is to not be as open about personal family issues with the nanny and to treat her more like an employee.

The resolution we have come up with is that the nanny will only drive our child to school, activities, and other non-social events. After the teen's punishment period, if our teen wants to go to a friend's house or make a stop somewhere, we will take care of it, or the teen can walk.

To clarify, we are very generous with pay and benefits. Most nannies typically handle full-time care of small children, crying babies, etc., for 40+ hours a week. In our case, since the kids are older, the nanny only needs to cook, do laundry, and drive, which takes up much less time, but we still pay her a full-time salary. It may be that the nanny hasn’t seen what’s out there, so she might be short-sighted about her good situation.

Additionally, we are very open, caring, and sharing, which again, was likely an issue here.

Posting here has not been helpful. I'm not sure what judgmental people are on this platform, but it's sad to see such negativity. With the prevalence of teens and marijuana, especially since it's been legalized and downplayed in our society, I think many of you will encounter similar situations. I would be more than happy to give helpful advice rather than tear down parents without understanding the personal situation.

The lesson learned is to keep things professional between employer and employee. Personal family issues should be kept within the family. More disclosure and openness aren’t always the best approach, even if you feel close to your nanny; she’s still an employee.

No, not all of our kids are selling drugs (because he isn't just smoking if he's carrying qty around) or endangering our staff. You really need to pull your head out of your a$$ because this kid is going down a bad track and you don't even seem to care.

I'm not sure where you got the idea that my child is selling drugs. Carrying a vape, which you can legally buy in many stores, is not the same as selling marijuana. But feel free to bring out more pitchforks and torches for this manufactured notion.

For your information, marijuana vapes can be purchased in tobacco vape stores, whether behind the counter or not. It's important to understand that marijuana has been so decriminalized that it's now packaged and easily accessible. You don't need to go to far-flung seedy areas to get marijuana anymore. In fact, you can't even tell the difference between a weed vape and a nicotine vape these days.

[Anonymous]

You or your spouse needs to take a leave of absence to be with your kid because he is messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was hoping for more helpful responses rather than attacks on our parenting. I think the lesson learned is to not be as open about personal family issues with the nanny and to treat her more like an employee.

The resolution we have come up with is that the nanny will only drive our child to school, activities, and other non-social events. After the teen's punishment period, if our teen wants to go to a friend's house or make a stop somewhere, we will take care of it, or the teen can walk.

To clarify, we are very generous with pay and benefits. Most nannies typically handle full-time care of small children, crying babies, etc., for 40+ hours a week. In our case, since the kids are older, the nanny only needs to cook, do laundry, and drive, which takes up much less time, but we still pay her a full-time salary. It may be that the nanny hasn’t seen what’s out there, so she might be short-sighted about her good situation.

Additionally, we are very open, caring, and sharing, which again, was likely an issue here.

Posting here has not been helpful. I'm not sure what judgmental people are on this platform, but it's sad to see such negativity. With the prevalence of teens and marijuana, especially since it's been legalized and downplayed in our society, I think many of you will encounter similar situations. I would be more than happy to give helpful advice rather than tear down parents without understanding the personal situation.

The lesson learned is to keep things professional between employer and employee. Personal family issues should be kept within the family. More disclosure and openness aren’t always the best approach, even if you feel close to your nanny; she’s still an employee.

Way to totally miss the point, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the teen needs new parents.

Agreed. OP seems to be very (VERY) hands off, and their children are obviously suffering. Drug use at this age should be extremely concerning, but OP is so nonchalant about it? Maybe if this kid had a parent caring about them instead of a substitute nanny the parents would see some of these warning signs and step in before this child becomes a delinquent. But OP is too worried about camps . Way to miss the forest for the trees!

Raised by wolves.