Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not tell, to protect HER kids. Even though my kids are no children of divorce

Take the high road.

You did the wrong thing and you absolutely did not protect her children.

I am a different poster/ she did the right thing.

You are very wrong.

[Anonymous]

Your DH will never fully drop the affair and move away from AP until it is fully exposed. Best for all involved.

Truth will always set you free

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did and didn't regret it. We were able to get the "whole story" between us by sharing information with each other and piecing it together quite quickly. Oddly, it was comforting having a person out there who understood and shared my pain.

I did the same in a very kind respectful manner and other Spouse thanked me. It was A workplace affair so I had met the spouse before. We were both equally devastated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse cheated on you, you should deal with him/her as appropos and reflect upon what led to the transgression.

Telling the AP's partner is a spiteful act and almost certainly motivated by malice and anger. That person's marriage is none of your business.

Read that last sentence to yourself. You must be kidding. Or getting very nervous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did and didn't regret it. We were able to get the "whole story" between us by sharing information with each other and piecing it together quite quickly. Oddly, it was comforting having a person out there who understood and shared my pain.

I did the same in a very kind respectful manner and other Spouse thanked me. It was A workplace affair so I had met the spouse before. We were both equally devastated

That was the right thing to do but is very sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse cheated on you, you should deal with him/her as appropos and reflect upon what led to the transgression.

Telling the AP's partner is a spiteful act and almost certainly motivated by malice and anger. That person's marriage is none of your business.

+1

[Anonymous]

100% I would want to know but this is where my friend and I differ. She’s in this situation and keeps saying she is going to eventually tell the DH of AP. I think it’s opening more potential problems and what if he has a temper, or they have open marriage, or some unanticipated situation. She believes she has a moral obligation to quietly inform. I would want to know but she doesnt know if he would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would. Not to be vengeful but because I think people have a right to know if their spouse is cheating and there is a 3rd sexual partner in their marriage. I would want to be told if he knew.

Agree

[Anonymous]

Maybe I am wired differently than most people.....but I am big believer in Karma. FOCUS should be your goal if in this situation. By FOCUS I mean ignore the noise. Start saving money, starting planning where you will move next, plan your post divorce life with attentive focus. When everything is in place, file for divorce and move on. Don't waste time seeking revenge answers getting even and all that bullshit. Trust me you are not the first nor the last person who has been betrayed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are horrible. OP has nothing to gain. This is vengeful. Stay out of other’s marriages.

I mean…. Do you even hear yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If some married guy can’t keep his d!c< in his pants and some married chick can’t keep her stank puzzy closed then they both get whatever awaits them at the end.

Preach !!!

[Anonymous]

I would be thankful if you did not tell the other spouse if I was the one cheating on you with the other spouse. Good for you for keeping quiet. Signed, the cheating spouse(s)

[Anonymous]

The only time i could see doing this is if the other spouse was a friend or if a disease is involved.

Otherwise nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse cheated on you, you should deal with him/her as appropos and reflect upon what led to the transgression.

Telling the AP's partner is a spiteful act and almost certainly motivated by malice and anger. That person's marriage is none of your business.

That part these people are lying to themselves if they think otherwise. It's not about protecting the other spouse it's about wanting thee AP to pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Experts recommend to expose the affair.
-It gives the best chance of ending it.
- It breaks cheaters out of "affair fog and their fantasy.
- It gives a chance to compare details with the other spouse and protect yourself (health and other)
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/how-to-stop-an-affair-by-exposing-it/
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/when-should-an-affair-be-exposed.htm

All of this, above.

People deserve to live their lives and make decisions, large and small, based on reality. When a spouse is in the dark about the other spouse's cheating, the betrayed spouse may be happy day to day but is actually living without all the information to have true agency and autonomy over his or her own life. True agency can come at a painful price but at least once the betrayed spouse knows the truth, he will be making choices based on the full story, not on lies.

Heed the person who posted earlier in the thread about how she had a child while her DH was having an affair and she was unaware. So many choices and decisions get made--a pregnancy, a home purchase, a career change, retirement plans, many others. Just imagine making all those choices thinking you and your spouse are a team and have the same goals, values, agenda, end game, when in reality you are not a team and not on the same page fully. That's what it's like when one spouse is in the dark and the other is having an affair. The cheating spouse is taking away the betrayed spouse's agency. And the betrayed spouse has no idea, and goes on making changes, plans, decisions based on a relationship which only exists in his or her mind, not in reality.

What's worse is when they keep it like that while secretly planning to leave them when the kids are older. All that time the spouse was kept in the dark and not preparing themselves financially or forgoing dreams and other things to support the marriage for someone that then plans to blindside them later (And never reveal the truth of the years of infidelity).

It really is incredibly, incredibly cruel.

I think you both and the experts are too shallow in your thinking. When you marry a high-quality person, you're accepting a higher likelihood that your spouse will cheat. If you really want to be fully confident your spouse won't cheat, you marry someone who won't have any opportunities to cheat. In other words, someone nobody wants.

So you indeed have agency by marrying the person you choose to marry. Then you need to do everything you can to make your spouse NOT want to cheat. That means keeping yourself in shape and doing your part for the marriage. If you're the relative breadwinner, you better keep doing well at your career while making your spouse uncertain of just how much she would get in a settlement.

If you're the non-breadwinner spouse, then you need to make life as pleasurable as possible for the breadwinner. That means enhancing his image in the streets and rocking his world under the sheets. It means making sure he doesn't have to deal with picking up your sniffling kid from school. It means you deal with your Mom or Dad's passing yourself and don't be a PITA about your grieving and sadness.

To stay married to a high-value person who will have opportunities to cheat, you want your mate to feel like they are taking too big a chance in cheating on you. THAT's where you have agency.

It seems your definition of a “high quality person” is incredibly off target if you think that by definition, such a person is more likely to cheat. SMH.