Husband’s Announcement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father did this to my mother when I was 8 years old. Announced we were moving across country but at least he was taking a job with another branch of his then employer. In our case it meant leaving all the family we were close to and very close best friends that I and my brother had throughout our early childhood. We also left the best schools in the country and moved to some of the worst, in the bottom five. My brother and I who were both gifted students spent the remaining years of our public schooling being unchallenged and thus underperforming.

I know that sometimes people have to move, but I think it really sucks to move kids around in childhood without very compelling reasons. Childhood is a challenging journey as it is, to be uprooted at some point from all you know and love seems unnecessarily cruel unless the family cannot survive without the move - it shouldn’t be just on a parent’s whim.

Your mother should not have agreed. It was on both your parents.

Mothers didn’t have much choice at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father did this to my mother when I was 8 years old. Announced we were moving across country but at least he was taking a job with another branch of his then employer. In our case it meant leaving all the family we were close to and very close best friends that I and my brother had throughout our early childhood. We also left the best schools in the country and moved to some of the worst, in the bottom five. My brother and I who were both gifted students spent the remaining years of our public schooling being unchallenged and thus underperforming.

I know that sometimes people have to move, but I think it really sucks to move kids around in childhood without very compelling reasons. Childhood is a challenging journey as it is, to be uprooted at some point from all you know and love seems unnecessarily cruel unless the family cannot survive without the move - it shouldn’t be just on a parent’s whim.

Your mother should not have agreed. It was on both your parents.

DP here. Same happened with me. My mom was a SAHM and did not have a choice. It was not a negotiation. I married the same type of man despite being a six-figure earner. I am now divorced. Not all marriages have the dynamic where a woman’s opinion matters.

Me too. I work FT and my husband did this to me. I am now divorced and he still wants me to move and says it’s my fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need the same legal advice anyone getting divorced needs. Just go get a lawyer and put these questions to them.

There are too many “lawyers” on DCUM. Hire a lawyer that passed the bar exam and are legally licensed to practice law.

[Anonymous]

Ok I’m not getting how you DON’T follow your husband. How do you get a divorce over your location? And if it’s really this sudden, which I really don’t think it is and the OP is leaving something major out of her side of the story, then how do you not try to really see what’s going on with him emotionally? OP is hiding something bigger I think that she has not told us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok I’m not getting how you DON’T follow your husband. How do you get a divorce over your location? And if it’s really this sudden, which I really don’t think it is and the OP is leaving something major out of her side of the story, then how do you not try to really see what’s going on with him emotionally? OP is hiding something bigger I think that she has not told us.

It’s probably a last straw situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP can you give us the state or city? Would help a lot with figuring him out.

DP, but no it doesn't. If he announced at dinner that he wants to move to a ____ (liberal city) and hey, family, you can follow me after I get a job! it would be equally nuts. Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok I’m not getting how you DON’T follow your husband. How do you get a divorce over your location? And if it’s really this sudden, which I really don’t think it is and the OP is leaving something major out of her side of the story, then how do you not try to really see what’s going on with him emotionally? OP is hiding something bigger I think that she has not told us.

You get a divorce because you don't want to leave where you live and you aren't going to live with being ordered around.

And so typical, blaming the woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok I’m not getting how you DON’T follow your husband. How do you get a divorce over your location? And if it’s really this sudden, which I really don’t think it is and the OP is leaving something major out of her side of the story, then how do you not try to really see what’s going on with him emotionally? OP is hiding something bigger I think that she has not told us.

You get a divorce because you don't want to leave where you live and you aren't going to live with being ordered around.

And so typical, blaming the woman.

That seems like such a trivial reason to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok I’m not getting how you DON’T follow your husband. How do you get a divorce over your location? And if it’s really this sudden, which I really don’t think it is and the OP is leaving something major out of her side of the story, then how do you not try to really see what’s going on with him emotionally? OP is hiding something bigger I think that she has not told us.

You get a divorce because you don't want to leave where you live and you aren't going to live with being ordered around.

And so typical, blaming the woman.

Didn’t say I blamed her. But it seems like an extreme reaction so I’m guessing there’s more to the story. Silly me for thinking divorce should t be one’s first option. I forgot this is DCURBAN mom and marriage vows don’t mean a thing, especially to women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok I’m not getting how you DON’T follow your husband. How do you get a divorce over your location? And if it’s really this sudden, which I really don’t think it is and the OP is leaving something major out of her side of the story, then how do you not try to really see what’s going on with him emotionally? OP is hiding something bigger I think that she has not told us.

You get a divorce because you don't want to leave where you live and you aren't going to live with being ordered around.

And so typical, blaming the woman.

That seems like such a trivial reason to divorce.

Uprooting your life and your children’s lives and the woman’s career is trivial? No. It is a dealbreaker. You sound like my ex h. He made me move across 3 states. I got a divorce once we got back to DC. This is not trivial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father did this to my mother when I was 8 years old. Announced we were moving across country but at least he was taking a job with another branch of his then employer. In our case it meant leaving all the family we were close to and very close best friends that I and my brother had throughout our early childhood. We also left the best schools in the country and moved to some of the worst, in the bottom five. My brother and I who were both gifted students spent the remaining years of our public schooling being unchallenged and thus underperforming.

I know that sometimes people have to move, but I think it really sucks to move kids around in childhood without very compelling reasons. Childhood is a challenging journey as it is, to be uprooted at some point from all you know and love seems unnecessarily cruel unless the family cannot survive without the move - it shouldn’t be just on a parent’s whim.

Your mother should not have agreed. It was on both your parents.

If my mother was still alive I’d tell her that. She died about twenty years sooner than her genetic heritage would have suggested, I suspect from the combined effects of enduring 47 years of chronic mental and physical abuse from my father. When I was little I used to lay in my bed at night crying listening to my drunk father raping and beating my mother.

Maybe you should work on cultivating compassion and understanding that your lived experience is not the same as everyone else’s. Some people actually face massive challenges in life, we can’t all have the perfect life you apparently enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I don’t think he’s having an affair but I do agree with the midlife crisis idea. Yes, he wants to just up and move without a job there and without knowing anyone. This is all about him wanting to be in a red state rather than navigating his political views where we currently live. Yes, I can afford to maintain our lifestyle without his help, but it sure would be nice to have a partner in the future. I will research the divorce laws. What kind of man would just up and move and expect his wife and kids to follow? And logistically, he would expect me to do all the packing, sell the house, etc.

I'm calling troll.

He is conservative. Of course he expects a subservient and cooperative wife. He is most likely having a midlife crisis but may also be getting some of his ideas from conservative media and men’s rights type crap.

I'm a conservative. I don't have, or expect, a subservient wife. I have many conservative guy friends, and none of them has, or expects, a subservient wife.

Of course, you don't know any actual conservatives, you're simply lashing out against the stupid caricature of conservatives that you have been indoctrinated to believe in uncritically.

Not all conservatives expect a subservient wife, but those who expect subservient wives are all conservatives.

Find me a liberal man who expects a subservient wife.

We are moderates (left leaning). It's not as wild as you may expect. There are probably couples around you who practice the principle of Christian Domestic Discipline and you don't even know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I don’t think he’s having an affair but I do agree with the midlife crisis idea. Yes, he wants to just up and move without a job there and without knowing anyone. This is all about him wanting to be in a red state rather than navigating his political views where we currently live. Yes, I can afford to maintain our lifestyle without his help, but it sure would be nice to have a partner in the future. I will research the divorce laws. What kind of man would just up and move and expect his wife and kids to follow? And logistically, he would expect me to do all the packing, sell the house, etc.

I'm calling troll.

He is conservative. Of course he expects a subservient and cooperative wife. He is most likely having a midlife crisis but may also be getting some of his ideas from conservative media and men’s rights type crap.

I'm a conservative. I don't have, or expect, a subservient wife. I have many conservative guy friends, and none of them has, or expects, a subservient wife.

Of course, you don't know any actual conservatives, you're simply lashing out against the stupid caricature of conservatives that you have been indoctrinated to believe in uncritically.

An actual conservative wouldn't up and move to a MAGA authoritarian state, either. I put you in the 'sane" category.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Speaking as a conservative in this area, if the school influence is a concern, consider more rural and conservative counties of VA and Maryland. It doesn't help with your vote but they

Your husband might find that the state he wants to move to is getting purpler anyway, because people moving from e.g. California or PNW are still bringing their west coast ideas into, say, Texas.

No one can bring sanity to Texas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Speaking as a conservative in this area, if the school influence is a concern, consider more rural and conservative counties of VA and Maryland. It doesn't help with your vote but they

Your husband might find that the state he wants to move to is getting purpler anyway, because people moving from e.g. California or PNW are still bringing their west coast ideas into, say, Texas.

+1. There are a million ways to deal with this that are less extreme than moving to a far-off red state with no plan.

You could move to a further-out DC suburb/exurb, as PP suggests (even if it's a place that votes blue, you will still get less politics the further out you go from DC).

You could move the kids to a religious/private school more in line with your DH's values.

You could find a compromise purplish location where you both might be happy, like Richmond VA, Asheville NC, Tampa FL, or San Antonio TX.

However, these things are only going to work if you and your husband are willing to compromise. It seems like you might be past that point (no judgment, I couldn't stay with someone drinking the Fox News Kool-Aid either). If so, get thee to a lawyer ASAP and start protecting yourself and your kids.

Where the actual indoctrination happens, as opposed to the fiction the husband has bought into.