Husband’s Announcement

[Anonymous]

Op here- not a troll. Just reading your comments and trying to process the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- not a troll. Just reading your comments and trying to process the situation.

15:40 poster here who said to call his bluff. It can be really hard to get snap judgment advice from people when this is your whole life and marriage on the line. I get it. I do think you should call his bluff, but I don’t necessarily think it means the end of your marriage. When people are at the place where he is, there’s kind of no leading them back. He really does need to face whatever it is he’s going through. The truths people believe are the ones they arrive at on their own.

[Anonymous]

I understand wanting to leave the area. 15 years ago I said I did not want to raise kids here…but moving without a job is insane. I posted early in the thread about establishing a separation here because once you move, you can get trapped there.

[Anonymous]

As someone who went through this, I do not think he is bluffing. Are you? Would you really break up your family if he moves? Bc it is no picnic.

[Anonymous]

OP, the fact that he announced that he IS moving and you ARE following later-indicates that he thinks you all are really moving.

If he does go and establish residency, he can file for divorce and custody in the new place. To protect yourself and your children, you REALLY need to consult a lawyer where you now live! Like, now.

[Anonymous]

Let him move. Just give it time. I bet he will come running back

[Anonymous]

Can you both work remote in another area? Most of America is still doing this now.

[Anonymous]

My father did this to my mother when I was 8 years old. Announced we were moving across country but at least he was taking a job with another branch of his then employer. In our case it meant leaving all the family we were close to and very close best friends that I and my brother had throughout our early childhood. We also left the best schools in the country and moved to some of the worst, in the bottom five. My brother and I who were both gifted students spent the remaining years of our public schooling being unchallenged and thus underperforming.

I know that sometimes people have to move, but I think it really sucks to move kids around in childhood without very compelling reasons. Childhood is a challenging journey as it is, to be uprooted at some point from all you know and love seems unnecessarily cruel unless the family cannot survive without the move - it shouldn’t be just on a parent’s whim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father did this to my mother when I was 8 years old. Announced we were moving across country but at least he was taking a job with another branch of his then employer. In our case it meant leaving all the family we were close to and very close best friends that I and my brother had throughout our early childhood. We also left the best schools in the country and moved to some of the worst, in the bottom five. My brother and I who were both gifted students spent the remaining years of our public schooling being unchallenged and thus underperforming.

I know that sometimes people have to move, but I think it really sucks to move kids around in childhood without very compelling reasons. Childhood is a challenging journey as it is, to be uprooted at some point from all you know and love seems unnecessarily cruel unless the family cannot survive without the move - it shouldn’t be just on a parent’s whim.

Your mother should not have agreed. It was on both your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a female friend who is giving her husband the same ultimatum. There is no affair or any desire for divorce. She's just done. Whenever she complains at a school board meeting about anything people tell her "If you want things that way move to a red state. We do things this way here." So she figures she should go where her people are and frankly she's irritated that her husband isn't taking any initiative in this move and leaving it up to her. I'm sure your husband feels the same.

+1

I feel the same as your friend but my DH agrees with me. However, we decided not to uproot the kids. Instead, we moved our kids to private schools. OP would your DH consider a school change- one that you can both agree on? Easier than moving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father did this to my mother when I was 8 years old. Announced we were moving across country but at least he was taking a job with another branch of his then employer. In our case it meant leaving all the family we were close to and very close best friends that I and my brother had throughout our early childhood. We also left the best schools in the country and moved to some of the worst, in the bottom five. My brother and I who were both gifted students spent the remaining years of our public schooling being unchallenged and thus underperforming.

I know that sometimes people have to move, but I think it really sucks to move kids around in childhood without very compelling reasons. Childhood is a challenging journey as it is, to be uprooted at some point from all you know and love seems unnecessarily cruel unless the family cannot survive without the move - it shouldn’t be just on a parent’s whim.

Your mother should not have agreed. It was on both your parents.

DP here. Same happened with me. My mom was a SAHM and did not have a choice. It was not a negotiation. I married the same type of man despite being a six-figure earner. I am now divorced. Not all marriages have the dynamic where a woman’s opinion matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Speaking as a conservative in this area, if the school influence is a concern, consider more rural and conservative counties of VA and Maryland. It doesn't help with your vote but they

Your husband might find that the state he wants to move to is getting purpler anyway, because people moving from e.g. California or PNW are still bringing their west coast ideas into, say, Texas.

+1. There are a million ways to deal with this that are less extreme than moving to a far-off red state with no plan.

You could move to a further-out DC suburb/exurb, as PP suggests (even if it's a place that votes blue, you will still get less politics the further out you go from DC).

You could move the kids to a religious/private school more in line with your DH's values.

You could find a compromise purplish location where you both might be happy, like Richmond VA, Asheville NC, Tampa FL, or San Antonio TX.

However, these things are only going to work if you and your husband are willing to compromise. It seems like you might be past that point (no judgment, I couldn't stay with someone drinking the Fox News Kool-Aid either). If so, get thee to a lawyer ASAP and start protecting yourself and your kids.

I'm the PP. Yes to moving away from DC. People of all politics are more chill when you leave the immediate DC and feeder suburbs area. If you can work from home it's worth it. I saw it with helicoptering of children on playgrounds and COVID behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I don’t think he’s having an affair but I do agree with the midlife crisis idea. Yes, he wants to just up and move without a job there and without knowing anyone. This is all about him wanting to be in a red state rather than navigating his political views where we currently live. Yes, I can afford to maintain our lifestyle without his help, but it sure would be nice to have a partner in the future. I will research the divorce laws. What kind of man would just up and move and expect his wife and kids to follow? And logistically, he would expect me to do all the packing, sell the house, etc.

I'm calling troll.

He is conservative. Of course he expects a subservient and cooperative wife. He is most likely having a midlife crisis but may also be getting some of his ideas from conservative media and men’s rights type crap.

I'm a conservative. I don't have, or expect, a subservient wife. I have many conservative guy friends, and none of them has, or expects, a subservient wife.

Of course, you don't know any actual conservatives, you're simply lashing out against the stupid caricature of conservatives that you have been indoctrinated to believe in uncritically.

Not all conservatives expect a subservient wife, but those who expect subservient wives are all conservatives.

Find me a liberal man who expects a subservient wife.

My exH is one of those. They exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a female friend who is giving her husband the same ultimatum. There is no affair or any desire for divorce. She's just done. Whenever she complains at a school board meeting about anything people tell her "If you want things that way move to a red state. We do things this way here." So she figures she should go where her people are and frankly she's irritated that her husband isn't taking any initiative in this move and leaving it up to her. I'm sure your husband feels the same.

+1

I feel the same as your friend but my DH agrees with me. However, we decided not to uproot the kids. Instead, we moved our kids to private schools. OP would your DH consider a school change- one that you can both agree on? Easier than moving.

I feel the same as my friend too! My husband agreed to move our kids to Catholic school in lieu of moving. My friend feels they can't afford private school (though they make more than we do)

[Anonymous]

I think that either

1) OP is a troll, or

2 OP's DH wants a divorce but does not want to straight up ask. He knows she is not going to follow, allowing him to cast her, in his mind, as the bad guy breaking up the family, or

3) in combo w/2, he has met someone there online