Verbally abusive mother at the park - what would you do?

[Anonymous]

OP checking in here - I’ve read through all of these responses and I really appreciate everyone who weighed in…hearing everyone else’s perspectives is definitely helpful. I spent the rest of the day regretting not having walked over and asked if everything was okay - both to give her a chance to vent/ask for help and also to…I don’t know, make her aware that her behavior was so far outside of the realm of normal that strangers were concerned(?). But I didn’t, for some of the reasons that were listed here.

I honestly wasn’t so disturbed by “get in your f*****g car seat!!” - sure, not a shining parenting moment but she was obviously feeling overwhelmed. But, “Do you want me to beat your stupid a$$?!” - and how cavalierly and publicly she said it - was definitely awful, full stop…I can’t imagine that just came out of the blue. And that sucks for this poor kid (who seriously was no more than a young 3).

To address some questions that were asked: yes of course I’ve lost it and snapped at my kids before, no I don’t live under a rock (…or in Bethesda, ha), and yes I’m aware that there are parents who speak to their children like this regularly. I don’t think that makes it okay (…and I have no interest in engaging in one-upping of the horrors we’ve seen when it comes to how people treat children) - but I guess the consensus here is probably correct; there may not be much you CAN do in a situation like that. I agree that this child was not in imminent physical danger at that particular moment. I agree it likely doesn’t rise to the level of a CPS call, but I am not willing to agree that talking to a kid like that is normal or okay. I think one of the posters on the first page summed it up best: people suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised so many people are surprised. Do you all live under a rock? Never leave Bethesda? This is how a very large percentage of parents speak to their children on a regular basis

So sad 😞 and so true.

This is incredibly true. I used to be a camp counselor for a camp that served low income kids. Many had social workers, some were in foster care (one of my kids had been in over 10 foster homes by the age of 11), and many were raised by single moms or extended family members. One night I walked into a conversation my older campers were having about what items they’d been “whupped” with and were sharing stories. Switches and belts were most common but the girls also mentioned sticks, wooden paddles, wooden spoons, and the worst one was an electric cord with the plug on it. This was a group of 10 girls. I realized clearly that the difficulties I thought I had as a kid growing up were literally nothing compared to what these kids experienced.

From that experience I learned that the CPS and foster care systems are completely and utterly horrific. I left the camp having been brought to tears multiple times by stories these kids told me about their foster parents. One girl came to camp with lice—a horrific case—the foster parents ignored. Another only had ill fitting and out of style hand me down clothes because the foster mother used the money she received for being a foster mom for her foster daughter to buy new clothes for her biological daughter and gave the foster child all the bio child’s old clothes. (That little girl is now grown up, stayed in foster care, and has 3 kids by 3 different dads, and a long criminal Record for drug abuse, shoplifting, and drunk driving, among many other issues.). Another one of them, an 8 year old whose mom had abandoned her and her sister, asked me to adopt them multiple
Times. I was 22 and in college - in no way able to help her. She is now a single mom with a drug problem and has lost 2 of her 4 kids already.

Every parent has hard moments. All parents are doing their best with the resources they have. What OP witnessed was a mom who likely was at the end of
Her rope and needed support and a break. The kids were not in imminent danger. I understand some of you are perfect parents with perfect kids who never raise your voice or lose your patience with little perfect Larla or utter a curse word but most of us are human and screw up with our kids from time to time and that is NOT a reason to call CPS on some one. You call CPS for a child who is in danger, for abuse, neglect, etc. Not because you saw something you disliked.

I could swap stories with those girls about what my mother beat me with. Most of the things you listed, actually. One time, she beat me with a log. That's right, a log. I don't yell at, cuss or beat my kids, I value them and make sure they know their thoughts, needs and feelings are important. I am not perfect by any stretch (I have had several rounds of therapy and cope with cPTSD) but I sure as sh1t DO NOT take my "bad day" out on my kids. I survived my childhood by fantasizing about the family I would have when I grew up. Everything, from the devoted, faithful, gentle, loving husband to the 2 boys (who are a handful) has come true. If anyone should have failed at being a decent parent, it's me. I have a zero tolerance for abuse of children, mine or yours.

Same here. Wooden spoons, a specific brand of hairbrush, etc.

Do you think you would have been better off in CPS custody?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised so many people are surprised. Do you all live under a rock? Never leave Bethesda? This is how a very large percentage of parents speak to their children on a regular basis

So sad 😞 and so true.

This is incredibly true. I used to be a camp counselor for a camp that served low income kids. Many had social workers, some were in foster care (one of my kids had been in over 10 foster homes by the age of 11), and many were raised by single moms or extended family members. One night I walked into a conversation my older campers were having about what items they’d been “whupped” with and were sharing stories. Switches and belts were most common but the girls also mentioned sticks, wooden paddles, wooden spoons, and the worst one was an electric cord with the plug on it. This was a group of 10 girls. I realized clearly that the difficulties I thought I had as a kid growing up were literally nothing compared to what these kids experienced.

From that experience I learned that the CPS and foster care systems are completely and utterly horrific. I left the camp having been brought to tears multiple times by stories these kids told me about their foster parents. One girl came to camp with lice—a horrific case—the foster parents ignored. Another only had ill fitting and out of style hand me down clothes because the foster mother used the money she received for being a foster mom for her foster daughter to buy new clothes for her biological daughter and gave the foster child all the bio child’s old clothes. (That little girl is now grown up, stayed in foster care, and has 3 kids by 3 different dads, and a long criminal Record for drug abuse, shoplifting, and drunk driving, among many other issues.). Another one of them, an 8 year old whose mom had abandoned her and her sister, asked me to adopt them multiple
Times. I was 22 and in college - in no way able to help her. She is now a single mom with a drug problem and has lost 2 of her 4 kids already.

Every parent has hard moments. All parents are doing their best with the resources they have. What OP witnessed was a mom who likely was at the end of
Her rope and needed support and a break. The kids were not in imminent danger. I understand some of you are perfect parents with perfect kids who never raise your voice or lose your patience with little perfect Larla or utter a curse word but most of us are human and screw up with our kids from time to time and that is NOT a reason to call CPS on some one. You call CPS for a child who is in danger, for abuse, neglect, etc. Not because you saw something you disliked.

I could swap stories with those girls about what my mother beat me with. Most of the things you listed, actually. One time, she beat me with a log. That's right, a log. I don't yell at, cuss or beat my kids, I value them and make sure they know their thoughts, needs and feelings are important. I am not perfect by any stretch (I have had several rounds of therapy and cope with cPTSD) but I sure as sh1t DO NOT take my "bad day" out on my kids. I survived my childhood by fantasizing about the family I would have when I grew up. Everything, from the devoted, faithful, gentle, loving husband to the 2 boys (who are a handful) has come true. If anyone should have failed at being a decent parent, it's me. I have a zero tolerance for abuse of children, mine or yours.

Same here. Wooden spoons, a specific brand of hairbrush, etc.

Do you think you would have been better off in CPS custody?

Pp here. Yes, wooden spoon, stabbed (just deep enough to get my attention) with a 2 pronged cooking fork, which I keep in my kitchen as a reminder..., Dr. Scholl's wooden sandal, etc, etc.

As far as cps, I have no idea. This same mother gave me the most magical Christmases and birthdays, days I could count on not being yelled at or hit. I was the "acting out" child and was punished severely for trying to establish order. Because of my upbringing, I feel like the underdog. My big accomplishment in life thus far is not committing suicide. It is sad how proud I am that I have a good marriage and we don't abuse or otherwise mistreat our kids. I suppose this thread triggered me and I really feel for those kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised so many people are surprised. Do you all live under a rock? Never leave Bethesda? This is how a very large percentage of parents speak to their children on a regular basis

So sad 😞 and so true.

This is incredibly true. I used to be a camp counselor for a camp that served low income kids. Many had social workers, some were in foster care (one of my kids had been in over 10 foster homes by the age of 11), and many were raised by single moms or extended family members. One night I walked into a conversation my older campers were having about what items they’d been “whupped” with and were sharing stories. Switches and belts were most common but the girls also mentioned sticks, wooden paddles, wooden spoons, and the worst one was an electric cord with the plug on it. This was a group of 10 girls. I realized clearly that the difficulties I thought I had as a kid growing up were literally nothing compared to what these kids experienced.

From that experience I learned that the CPS and foster care systems are completely and utterly horrific. I left the camp having been brought to tears multiple times by stories these kids told me about their foster parents. One girl came to camp with lice—a horrific case—the foster parents ignored. Another only had ill fitting and out of style hand me down clothes because the foster mother used the money she received for being a foster mom for her foster daughter to buy new clothes for her biological daughter and gave the foster child all the bio child’s old clothes. (That little girl is now grown up, stayed in foster care, and has 3 kids by 3 different dads, and a long criminal Record for drug abuse, shoplifting, and drunk driving, among many other issues.). Another one of them, an 8 year old whose mom had abandoned her and her sister, asked me to adopt them multiple
Times. I was 22 and in college - in no way able to help her. She is now a single mom with a drug problem and has lost 2 of her 4 kids already.

Every parent has hard moments. All parents are doing their best with the resources they have. What OP witnessed was a mom who likely was at the end of
Her rope and needed support and a break. The kids were not in imminent danger. I understand some of you are perfect parents with perfect kids who never raise your voice or lose your patience with little perfect Larla or utter a curse word but most of us are human and screw up with our kids from time to time and that is NOT a reason to call CPS on some one. You call CPS for a child who is in danger, for abuse, neglect, etc. Not because you saw something you disliked.

I could swap stories with those girls about what my mother beat me with. Most of the things you listed, actually. One time, she beat me with a log. That's right, a log. I don't yell at, cuss or beat my kids, I value them and make sure they know their thoughts, needs and feelings are important. I am not perfect by any stretch (I have had several rounds of therapy and cope with cPTSD) but I sure as sh1t DO NOT take my "bad day" out on my kids. I survived my childhood by fantasizing about the family I would have when I grew up. Everything, from the devoted, faithful, gentle, loving husband to the 2 boys (who are a handful) has come true. If anyone should have failed at being a decent parent, it's me. I have a zero tolerance for abuse of children, mine or yours.

Most people have not experienced this, and have literally zero chance of hitting their children with a log, no matter what they may say in anger. Maybe that's why so many people don't see what the mother said as an actual threat. For most people, it would not be.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know what you’ve been told but my dad used to pour boiling water on my head to wake me up at 6 am

[Anonymous]

I have for sure wanted to yell at my kid to get in theirF-ING CARSEAT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have for sure wanted to yell at my kid to get in theirF-ING CARSEAT

Me too, bit instead I shouted very forcefully "get in your seat because it's the safest place for you". And I felt guilty about that! Never have I hit them or threatened to hit them or anything abusive. I also once told my 13 yo to "shut up" when she was running her mouth to her father. I apologized later. We (my daughter and i) both felt horrible afterwards. I normally don't let my children say "shut up" to each other. This time the kid just hit my breaking point.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a verbally and emotionally abusive dad who would yell at us viciously. He would also beat us with objects. I have done years of therapy but am still emotionally scarred to this day.

I’ve thought many times about why no one intervened. My dad put on a good show in public (is a “charmer”) but I’ve got to think at some point someone noticed some of his bad behavior.

The conclusion I’ve come to (for context, I’m now in my 40s), is that the best thing anyone could have done is support my mom in leaving my dad. Calling social services would have been a nightmare for all involved, I have to imagine. I will never know why my mom (who was completely functional) never left, but I’ve got to think shame and financial concerns were key factors. I imagine the only thing that would have helped would be someone reaching out to my mom and offering her a place to stay or financial help (tall orders, I know). When there are no functional adults involved I have no idea what the answer is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with a verbally and emotionally abusive dad who would yell at us viciously. He would also beat us with objects. I have done years of therapy but am still emotionally scarred to this day.

I’ve thought many times about why no one intervened. My dad put on a good show in public (is a “charmer”) but I’ve got to think at some point someone noticed some of his bad behavior.

The conclusion I’ve come to (for context, I’m now in my 40s), is that the best thing anyone could have done is support my mom in leaving my dad. Calling social services would have been a nightmare for all involved, I have to imagine. I will never know why my mom (who was completely functional) never left, but I’ve got to think shame and financial concerns were key factors. I imagine the only thing that would have helped would be someone reaching out to my mom and offering her a place to stay or financial help (tall orders, I know). When there are no functional adults involved I have no idea what the answer is.

I, too, had a rough childhood. My mom did not protect us from our dad's abuse. I understand your reasoning for thinking...if only...with your mom. I haven't found the grace to grant my mother that consideration. The reality of my situation, and possibly yours, is that my mother *chose not to protect me. For whatever reason, she stood by while we were beat and normalized abuse through her neglect.

[Anonymous]

Ew, myob.

Try supporting other moms instead of judging them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ew, myob.

Try supporting other moms instead of judging them.

Yeah! Eff those bratty kids!

[Anonymous]

These responses are…something. 100% should’ve said something. If more people spoke up - strangers, teachers, friends of friends - we’d have less school shooters. If you are someone who witnesses verbal abuse of children and feel it’s a MYOB moment - you can’t act surprised when that child grows up to be a filthy human being. And you are complicit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These responses are…something. 100% should’ve said something. If more people spoke up - strangers, teachers, friends of friends - we’d have less school shooters. If you are someone who witnesses verbal abuse of children and feel it’s a MYOB moment - you can’t act surprised when that child grows up to be a filthy human being. And you are complicit.

What (specifically) would you say? In this exact situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These responses are…something. 100% should’ve said something. If more people spoke up - strangers, teachers, friends of friends - we’d have less school shooters. If you are someone who witnesses verbal abuse of children and feel it’s a MYOB moment - you can’t act surprised when that child grows up to be a filthy human being. And you are complicit.

That’s a straw man argument. There are a million shades of gray here from a parent yelling at a kid in a tough moment to a school shooting. Given how bad the CPS system is, as well as how under resourced, and the horrible nature of many foster homes, and the difficulties that an investigation puts on a family, there needs to be a reasonable bar for reporting. A child with bruises? Report. A child saying mom beat him? Report. A mom yelling at a kid to get in a car seat? Not ideal, but unless they are physically beating the child you have no way to know if her threat of beating is legitimate or an empty threat. Some of you guys really have no idea how bad of cases CPS actually sees to think that this merits an investigation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These responses are…something. 100% should’ve said something. If more people spoke up - strangers, teachers, friends of friends - we’d have less school shooters. If you are someone who witnesses verbal abuse of children and feel it’s a MYOB moment - you can’t act surprised when that child grows up to be a filthy human being. And you are complicit.

That’s a straw man argument. There are a million shades of gray here from a parent yelling at a kid in a tough moment to a school shooting. Given how bad the CPS system is, as well as how under resourced, and the horrible nature of many foster homes, and the difficulties that an investigation puts on a family, there needs to be a reasonable bar for reporting. A child with bruises? Report. A child saying mom beat him? Report. A mom yelling at a kid to get in a car seat? Not ideal, but unless they are physically beating the child you have no way to know if her threat of beating is legitimate or an empty threat. Some of you guys really have no idea how bad of cases CPS actually sees to think that this merits an investigation.

Huh? I didn’t say anything about an investigation. You have poor reading comprehension. A lot of people have no idea how they sound or how they act in anger until it’s pointed out - usually repeatedly. Will this dissuade a sociopath from treating their child horribly? No. But a bad parent who has anger issues? Sure, enough people say something to them they might realize they need help.