hyper competitive cousin

[Anonymous]

My tween has a cousin who is just extremely competitive and unpleasant to be around.This cousin always wants to compare academic levels, number of friends, and those types of things. My tween is clearly upset by all this but is sad that this cousin has morphed into this type of behavior. Any thoughts on how to explain to my tween that it's not you, it's them and move along?

[Anonymous]

This kind of behavior comes from insecurity and low EQ (or immature EQ).

I had a friend like this in high school. I dropped her as a friend because I lost patience.

She was higher-achieving but ended up a rich SAHM.

I got a free ride to a great grad program and am a well-compensated working mom by choice.

I think each of us ended up where we wanted to be. It's too bad and was unnecessary for her to alienate me along the way. I'm still friends with a nicer girl from that same era in our lives.

When I look back, I think a lot of her issues traced to being embarrassed by her middle class parents. Her dad was an immigrant scientist with a thick accent and her mom was a cafeteria lunch lady.

Tell your kid that high EQ (people skills) goes farthest in most cases. And that people have their own issues you can never really understand. If you, as a parent, can help your kid craft a polite shutdown message, that might work.

"Family members share successes...there's no need to compare blow-by-blow details of x..."

[Anonymous]

How much do they have to see each other? What you can control is access. No reason to hang-out if they aren't well-suited to each other. Do not force it. If this really is a problem, then you are forcing too much togetherness -- just because it's family. Family do not get a pass at being rude.

[Anonymous]

Developer resilience and diplomacy in your teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much do they have to see each other? What you can control is access. No reason to hang-out if they aren't well-suited to each other. Do not force it. If this really is a problem, then you are forcing too much togetherness -- just because it's family. Family do not get a pass at being rude.

Thank you. in our case, we are very ok with reducing contact. Our tween is devastated by that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much do they have to see each other? What you can control is access. No reason to hang-out if they aren't well-suited to each other. Do not force it. If this really is a problem, then you are forcing too much togetherness -- just because it's family. Family do not get a pass at being rude.

Thank you. in our case, we are very ok with reducing contact. Our tween is devastated by that.

You're tween is very upset with the cousin but devastated about seeing the cousin less often.
Focus on your own kid's problems before worrying about the cousin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much do they have to see each other? What you can control is access. No reason to hang-out if they aren't well-suited to each other. Do not force it. If this really is a problem, then you are forcing too much togetherness -- just because it's family. Family do not get a pass at being rude.

Agree. Reduce/minimize contact. No need to explain why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This kind of behavior comes from insecurity and low EQ (or immature EQ).

I had a friend like this in high school. I dropped her as a friend because I lost patience.

She was higher-achieving but ended up a rich SAHM.

I got a free ride to a great grad program and am a well-compensated working mom by choice.

I think each of us ended up where we wanted to be. It's too bad and was unnecessary for her to alienate me along the way. I'm still friends with a nicer girl from that same era in our lives.

When I look back, I think a lot of her issues traced to being embarrassed by her middle class parents. Her dad was an immigrant scientist with a thick accent and her mom was a cafeteria lunch lady.

Tell your kid that high EQ (people skills) goes farthest in most cases. And that people have their own issues you can never really understand. If you, as a parent, can help your kid craft a polite shutdown message, that might work.

"Family members share successes...there's no need to compare blow-by-blow details of x..."

I think to an extent, comparison and materialism and showing off in this way is developmentally appropriate to this age kid (tween/teen). It's kind of the prime age for social conformity as well as identity development, and a lot of that happens in comparison to others. You can teach your kid that it's unkind to do that kind of comparison out loud to other people, but it's also okay to reassure your kid that some amount of comparison is normal, it's how we check to see if we are doing about as well as other people, and it really only becomes toxic when it's the only way you evaluate yourself or you're a jerk about it to other people, like this cousin is.

Instead of calling your niece/nephew insecure/low EQ, consider telling your child that likely, cousin will grow out of this behavior and then minimize contact for a while and see if you're right.

[Anonymous]

Teens grow and change.
It is very upsetting to understand that a beloved cousin has turned into a competitive cousin that you have to end up avoiding. It's the same devastation as realizing that a sibling is a toxic person - to everyone.
Some space, some boundaries, some diplomacy can keep the relationship going, Helps if this is a phase.

[Anonymous]

it sounds like its the parents. what is your relationship with your siblings like? can you talk to them?

[Anonymous]

Teach your tween the sentence "It's not a contest." Also "I don't answer questions like that."

How many friends do you have? None of your business. What did you get on your ____ test? I don't answer questions like that.

"I have made ___ team four years in a row." People who brag are usually insecure. We're cousins - you know I'll love you even if you don't make any teams at all, right?

Teach your kid it's a moral failing of the other kid that they'll hopefully grow out of.

[Anonymous]

ADHD

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't at all jump to no/low contact. That makes me really sad, OP. This is a kid! A kid who is growing and learning. I guarantee that every single one of us was annoying and socially clueless at times, just like every other kid in the history of kids.

For some reason Cousin has gotten the message that reporting these achievements is a way to gain social capital. Your kid simply needs to opt out of the discussion and not provide fuel for Cousin.

Cousin: [Brags, asks competitive question.]
Your Kid: "Huh. Why do you want to know?"

Cousin: I just want to know!
YK: I don't know why it matters.

Cousin: I want to see who wins.
YK: That sounds like a weird thing to try to "win".

Cousin: Why won't you tell me?
YK: Idk bro, let's talk about something else.

Cousin: Why won't you tell me, it must mean your score is really bad/you have no friends.
YK: Ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't at all jump to no/low contact. That makes me really sad, OP. This is a kid! A kid who is growing and learning. I guarantee that every single one of us was annoying and socially clueless at times, just like every other kid in the history of kids.

For some reason Cousin has gotten the message that reporting these achievements is a way to gain social capital. Your kid simply needs to opt out of the discussion and not provide fuel for Cousin.

Cousin: [Brags, asks competitive question.]
Your Kid: "Huh. Why do you want to know?"

Cousin: I just want to know!
YK: I don't know why it matters.

Cousin: I want to see who wins.
YK: That sounds like a weird thing to try to "win".

Cousin: Why won't you tell me?
YK: Idk bro, let's talk about something else.

Cousin: Why won't you tell me, it must mean your score is really bad/you have no friends.
YK: Ok.

This. Please don’t teach your kid to drop anyone in their life who is less than perfect. Your kid can handle this and you should believe in her. She doesn’t have to play the cousin’s stupid games but she can handle talking to her anyway.

To me, this sounds like a tween/teen who just discovered social media. It feeds and reinforces this dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't at all jump to no/low contact. That makes me really sad, OP. This is a kid! A kid who is growing and learning. I guarantee that every single one of us was annoying and socially clueless at times, just like every other kid in the history of kids.

For some reason Cousin has gotten the message that reporting these achievements is a way to gain social capital. Your kid simply needs to opt out of the discussion and not provide fuel for Cousin.

Cousin: [Brags, asks competitive question.]
Your Kid: "Huh. Why do you want to know?"

Cousin: I just want to know!
YK: I don't know why it matters.

Cousin: I want to see who wins.
YK: That sounds like a weird thing to try to "win".

Cousin: Why won't you tell me?
YK: Idk bro, let's talk about something else.

Cousin: Why won't you tell me, it must mean your score is really bad/you have no friends.
YK: Ok.

This. Please don’t teach your kid to drop anyone in their life who is less than perfect. Your kid can handle this and you should believe in her. She doesn’t have to play the cousin’s stupid games but she can handle talking to her anyway.

To me, this sounds like a tween/teen who just discovered social media. It feeds and reinforces this dynamic.

Is this kid a golden child? I agree with the poster who talked about the parents. it must be coming from them. Is the cousin otherwise nice or just unpleasant all around? If the former then I agree teach your kid skills. If the latter, then LC may be better. Bettter to teach your kid that they shouldn't have to tolerate meanness