hyper competitive cousin

[Anonymous]

I agree with coaching her and practicing responses and breathing through uncomfortable conversations.

“I like spending time with you but I don’t find all these comparing conversations fun, can we please change the subject?” And if cousin persists then just stare at her

[Anonymous]

OP, what is the dynamic like between the parents here? Someone must be a sibling of someone else, could they address this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This kind of behavior comes from insecurity and low EQ (or immature EQ).

I had a friend like this in high school. I dropped her as a friend because I lost patience.

She was higher-achieving but ended up a rich SAHM.

I got a free ride to a great grad program and am a well-compensated working mom by choice.

I think each of us ended up where we wanted to be. It's too bad and was unnecessary for her to alienate me along the way. I'm still friends with a nicer girl from that same era in our lives.

When I look back, I think a lot of her issues traced to being embarrassed by her middle class parents. Her dad was an immigrant scientist with a thick accent and her mom was a cafeteria lunch lady.

Tell your kid that high EQ (people skills) goes farthest in most cases. And that people have their own issues you can never really understand. If you, as a parent, can help your kid craft a polite shutdown message, that might work.

"Family members share successes...there's no need to compare blow-by-blow details of x..."

I agree it is insecurity and low EQ.

Blaming someone with low EQ for making social guffaws is a little like getting mad at someone with low IQ for bombing the SAT. It may not come naturally to these folks, or they may never have learned certain things because their parents didn't teach them. A snippy comment here a there from the OP's kid now and then might help. Or more directness in explaining that it's rude to talk about some things. How the daughter handles this situation depends on whether the cousin has other redeeming qualities that make OP's daughter like her, as well as how patient and emotionally mature the OP's kid is herself. Not a lot of typical kids can handle hanging out with someone less mature, even if they like them, and in that case maybe a little distance and time are needed between the two of them.

[Anonymous]

^ I would like to add to this that I was an insufferable kid and teen due to low EQ. I still am sometimes an insufferable adult, and I very much appreciate the tolerant and more emotionally intelligent people in my life for putting up with me.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes with family we expect them to be a certain way. They are family! We want loving cousins. We want loving grandparents. And we want them to be loving in ways we want.

It really is having an idolized view of relationships. Completely understandable when we are young. But harmful to keep this idolized view too long. Everyone needs to make individual choices as to how much investment to put into relationships - when the dynamic doesn't feel pleasant or fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This kind of behavior comes from insecurity and low EQ (or immature EQ).

I had a friend like this in high school. I dropped her as a friend because I lost patience.

She was higher-achieving but ended up a rich SAHM.

I got a free ride to a great grad program and am a well-compensated working mom by choice.

I think each of us ended up where we wanted to be. It's too bad and was unnecessary for her to alienate me along the way. I'm still friends with a nicer girl from that same era in our lives.

When I look back, I think a lot of her issues traced to being embarrassed by her middle class parents. Her dad was an immigrant scientist with a thick accent and her mom was a cafeteria lunch lady.

Tell your kid that high EQ (people skills) goes farthest in most cases. And that people have their own issues you can never really understand. If you, as a parent, can help your kid craft a polite shutdown message, that might work.

"Family members share successes...there's no need to compare blow-by-blow details of x..."

It’s funny that with your superior EQ you still have an urge to bring her down all these years later. By your own admission, she got exactly what she wanted out of life - you are not better than her in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This kind of behavior comes from insecurity and low EQ (or immature EQ).

I had a friend like this in high school. I dropped her as a friend because I lost patience.

She was higher-achieving but ended up a rich SAHM.

I got a free ride to a great grad program and am a well-compensated working mom by choice.

I think each of us ended up where we wanted to be. It's too bad and was unnecessary for her to alienate me along the way. I'm still friends with a nicer girl from that same era in our lives.

When I look back, I think a lot of her issues traced to being embarrassed by her middle class parents. Her dad was an immigrant scientist with a thick accent and her mom was a cafeteria lunch lady.

Tell your kid that high EQ (people skills) goes farthest in most cases. And that people have their own issues you can never really understand. If you, as a parent, can help your kid craft a polite shutdown message, that might work.

"Family members share successes...there's no need to compare blow-by-blow details of x..."

It’s funny that with your superior EQ you still have an urge to bring her down all these years later. By your own admission, she got exactly what she wanted out of life - you are not better than her in any way.

DP. Okay, that is definitely one take on it.

I'd consider PP better than that friend. But everyone gets to be who they are, and glad the friend is happy with her lot in life.

[Anonymous]

I am an SLP and I have worked with kids who are extremely competitive in my clinic room. Moms have told me they can't even play games at their house because of that behavior (a boy would upset his sister a lot, for example). The boy was really rude even to adults and would say things like "I beat you every time" and not in a teasing, fun way. He was very unpleasant to be around. The parents didn't teach him how to be a "good" sport. Instead they just stopped playing the games. It's something the parents are or are not doing as well. There was a spirit of meanness underneath these comments he would make and it just made being around him super unpleasant.

You could teach your teen to respond with things like "That's nice" or "Oh, cool" but not engage further. And it's a good opportunity to bring up about how when people say and do things like that, it can make others feel really crappy.. and how we should lift others up and not compare our lives to theirs.

[Anonymous]

Cousins are usually only seeing each other a few times a year, for a few hours with plenty of others around

Why is this even an issue, Op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cousins are usually only seeing each other a few times a year, for a few hours with plenty of others around

Why is this even an issue, Op?

What? Who are you to know how much they see one another? I had some cousins I saw a lot growing up, but even more in the summer months. They only lived a few minutes away. It's weird that you think ALL cousins only see each other a few times a year. Wtf

[Anonymous]

Well then OP -- tell us how often they see each other

[Anonymous]

This is the problem when people remain/move back home to be close to family. They keep their circle small, limited to family. Have some idea that everyone's going to be close and like each other because they're family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the problem when people remain/move back home to be close to family. They keep their circle small, limited to family. Have some idea that everyone's going to be close and like each other because they're family.

So it the solution to live far from family? lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an SLP and I have worked with kids who are extremely competitive in my clinic room. Moms have told me they can't even play games at their house because of that behavior (a boy would upset his sister a lot, for example). The boy was really rude even to adults and would say things like "I beat you every time" and not in a teasing, fun way. He was very unpleasant to be around. The parents didn't teach him how to be a "good" sport. Instead they just stopped playing the games. It's something the parents are or are not doing as well. There was a spirit of meanness underneath these comments he would make and it just made being around him super unpleasant.

You could teach your teen to respond with things like "That's nice" or "Oh, cool" but not engage further. And it's a good opportunity to bring up about how when people say and do things like that, it can make others feel really crappy.. and how we should lift others up and not compare our lives to theirs.

I'm curious how you deal with these kids. Is it a part of your job to work on the social and pragmatic aspects of communicating too, and so you have to teach them not to be unpleasant? Or is that out of range for what you help them with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This kind of behavior comes from insecurity and low EQ (or immature EQ).

I had a friend like this in high school. I dropped her as a friend because I lost patience.

She was higher-achieving but ended up a rich SAHM.

I got a free ride to a great grad program and am a well-compensated working mom by choice.

I think each of us ended up where we wanted to be. It's too bad and was unnecessary for her to alienate me along the way. I'm still friends with a nicer girl from that same era in our lives.

When I look back, I think a lot of her issues traced to being embarrassed by her middle class parents. Her dad was an immigrant scientist with a thick accent and her mom was a cafeteria lunch lady.

Tell your kid that high EQ (people skills) goes farthest in most cases. And that people have their own issues you can never really understand. If you, as a parent, can help your kid craft a polite shutdown message, that might work.

"Family members share successes...there's no need to compare blow-by-blow details of x..."

It’s funny that with your superior EQ you still have an urge to bring her down all these years later. By your own admission, she got exactly what she wanted out of life - you are not better than her in any way.

PP. I never said I was a nicer or better person or had better EQ. I said I lost patience...because there was no point to the constant comparisons. I didn't feel bad...OR more motivated...just annoyed. To me this is reporting on "how it was then, and how it is now" regarding teenagers competing with each other. I still think about her as an example of what not to do if you want to have friends. And I bet she never has thought about me in 30 years. Because she was never socially introspective like that.

I'd actually be interested in talking to her as grownups but I fear the gap between us is too big. I'm not jealous of what I learned about her life when looking up "What ever happened to..." My fear is that because she values money so much, if I got in touch with her, I would learn nothing of any intellectual interest to me and would just have to hear "look how rich I am" for 90% of the conversation. And I don't care about that stuff.

She was interesting when she talked about books or her thoughts about our classes or was occasionally radically honest. But I had zero patience hearing about her Krugerrand necklace and her constant need to compare test scores when we both got As for almost every subject in every grade in high school. This seems like the kind of issue OP's kid is having so I thought I'd put in my .02.