Why are schoolyard social issues so much harder than anywhere else?

[Anonymous]

My kid does great socially everywhere except school recess. Great in class, no problems in her EC where she spends 5 hours a week, plays well with cousins and neighborhood kids. If we take her to a playground where she doesn't know anyone, she'll have introduced herself and be playing happily with another kid within 20 minutes.

But recess is a nightmare. Every day I'm hearing about some huge conflict, it seems like she and the other kids are constantly at odds. They also seem to police each other incessantly, weighing on everyone else's issues in ways that are NOT helpful, lots of gossip and in group/out group politics.

Is this just what elementary school socializing is like? It seems torturous. A friend whose daughter is the same age but at another school says they saw some of the same issues but that several teachers at their school let kids hang out in classrooms during recess to read or do puzzles and that's what her daughter does. I wish this was an option at our school. DD seems generally well adjusted and happy except that it seems like every single day of recess is some combo of Lord of the Flies and Mean Girls. Maybe it will be better next year but I just don't get how it got this bad to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Yes, recess is pretty bad. Some of it is because of limited supervision, but I think it's mostly because kids are shaking out their place in the social hierarchy. It's normal and important developmentally, but it can get brutal if adults don't step in when kids are going too far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, recess is pretty bad. Some of it is because of limited supervision, but I think it's mostly because kids are shaking out their place in the social hierarchy. It's normal and important developmentally, but it can get brutal if adults don't step in when kids are going too far.

OP here. The adults seem nonexistent during recess. DD has told me about ridiculous conflicts that could have been shut down in like 30 seconds by an adult just separating two kids or telling someone to mind their own business. But when I ask why no one talked to a teacher, she always says "they aren't there."

I get teachers need breaks too but these kids absolutely need more guidance than they are getting. Especially the girls. There is some behavior that sounds like teenage politics and it's clear it's not addressed at all. So it just escalates and then it sounds like it comes to a head during recess when the kids have more freedom and less supervision. It's gotten especially bad the last couple weeks because the kids are getting extra recess and downtime. The girls are spinning out and no one is stepping in and guiding them. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Ours is exactly like that and I have 3 kids in elementary. My one child is the most popular in his grade and even he cries at night about how brutal it is. Another kid stands in a corner because the girls are so mean to her and her friends are all in a different recess.

Instead of having recess monitors just stand and look at their phones, I think it would do a lot if the recess monitors had large games going. I remember ours teaching us double dutch jump rope, 4 square (the one with the ball that you bounce in the squares that people stand in), and group games of tag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ours is exactly like that and I have 3 kids in elementary. My one child is the most popular in his grade and even he cries at night about how brutal it is. Another kid stands in a corner because the girls are so mean to her and her friends are all in a different recess.

Instead of having recess monitors just stand and look at their phones, I think it would do a lot if the recess monitors had large games going. I remember ours teaching us double dutch jump rope, 4 square (the one with the ball that you bounce in the squares that people stand in), and group games of tag.

I suggested my kid take a book to school to read during recess so she could get away from these dynamics but then she said if she reads during recess kids come up and harass her ("why are you reading? what's wrong with you?"). Seriously, wtf.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes there is not even an adult monitor assigned to supervise.

I know of one case (different city) where frustrated parents stepped in and TOLD the school that parents who were available would monitor, because the school had not assigned a staffer to monitor recess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes there is not even an adult monitor assigned to supervise.

I know of one case (different city) where frustrated parents stepped in and TOLD the school that parents who were available would monitor, because the school had not assigned a staffer to monitor recess.

That is ridiculous.

Though I would actually be concerned about parents monitoring recess at our school because some of the parents are a lot. And sometimes the kids who are causing a lot of the schoolyard issues are the ones whose parents are problematic.... I would just prefer it be a paid school employee. It's ridiculous there aren't funds for that. Basic supervision shouldn't be something you shortchange. Maybe skip the 1:1 devices and EdTech and instead hire a couple floater employees who supervise recess, are on call for substitute teaching, and can help with hallway monitoring, lunch, and schooldays events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ours is exactly like that and I have 3 kids in elementary. My one child is the most popular in his grade and even he cries at night about how brutal it is. Another kid stands in a corner because the girls are so mean to her and her friends are all in a different recess.

Instead of having recess monitors just stand and look at their phones, I think it would do a lot if the recess monitors had large games going. I remember ours teaching us double dutch jump rope, 4 square (the one with the ball that you bounce in the squares that people stand in), and group games of tag.

My son was involved in a heated dispute yesterday that started during a game of 4 square. Soccer, baseball, and basketball have also led to various problems this year. It's better that they are doing something, but organized games can also be difficult.

[Anonymous]

Op, you know too much

Or you think you know. And you don't. And you really shouldn't know anyway. This is her turf. Kid Rules are not Adult Rules. I'd believe half of whatever you're hearing and I bet you're only hearing the bad things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid does great socially everywhere except school recess. Great in class, no problems in her EC where she spends 5 hours a week, plays well with cousins and neighborhood kids. If we take her to a playground where she doesn't know anyone, she'll have introduced herself and be playing happily with another kid within 20 minutes.

But recess is a nightmare. Every day I'm hearing about some huge conflict, it seems like she and the other kids are constantly at odds. They also seem to police each other incessantly, weighing on everyone else's issues in ways that are NOT helpful, lots of gossip and in group/out group politics.

Is this just what elementary school socializing is like? It seems torturous. A friend whose daughter is the same age but at another school says they saw some of the same issues but that several teachers at their school let kids hang out in classrooms during recess to read or do puzzles and that's what her daughter does. I wish this was an option at our school. DD seems generally well adjusted and happy except that it seems like every single day of recess is some combo of Lord of the Flies and Mean Girls. Maybe it will be better next year but I just don't get how it got this bad to begin with.

Not all schools and areas are like this. Don't believe its something you have to live with, find a better school or area. Its also possible this is a phase that will pass.

[Anonymous]

I would look into whether your DD has a social skills gap that is making it hard for her to get along with others that she sees frequently. Is she not being flexible, does she lack conflict resolution skills, is she ok 1:1 but not able to grasp group dynamics? Questions like that are what you should look into. Doing fine in class and structured activities is a different skill set.

She can make friends with unknown kids because the stakes are low and the relationship superficial-- thats not uncommon for kids with social skills issues. And if the cousins are older or much younger, it's probably easier to get along with them because it isn't a peer relationship really. As for the neighborhood friends, do they see each other often?

[Anonymous]

What grade (3rd? 4th?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would look into whether your DD has a social skills gap that is making it hard for her to get along with others that she sees frequently. Is she not being flexible, does she lack conflict resolution skills, is she ok 1:1 but not able to grasp group dynamics? Questions like that are what you should look into. Doing fine in class and structured activities is a different skill set.

She can make friends with unknown kids because the stakes are low and the relationship superficial-- thats not uncommon for kids with social skills issues. And if the cousins are older or much younger, it's probably easier to get along with them because it isn't a peer relationship really. As for the neighborhood friends, do they see each other often?

OP here. No, she also has friends in her EC and the neighborhood who she sees frequently and plays with independently. Spends weeks every summer with a rambunctious group of cousins of various ages and always finds a way to get along, resolve conflicts independently, and maintain bonds.

Also she has playdates with school friends with regularity and there are none of these issues, either when we host or when she's at other kid's houses (the parents have discussed it).

There is something specific about recess dynamics that makes these kids crazy. I don't think it's unique to my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What grade (3rd? 4th?)

4th but I recall 3rd being when these issues started. This year was worse though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What grade (3rd? 4th?)

4th but I recall 3rd being when these issues started. This year was worse though.

Yep, those are the peak years for this type of thing (I have recess duty and avoid those years if possible )