How to say no to personality disordered person?

[Anonymous]

TL/DR: How can I tell personality disordered sibling “no” without enraging them?

Background:

I manage the affairs for my dad and sibling does very little.

However, sibling likes to do any work that can be seen by others. If the work is behind the scenes and not visible, they are less interested.

I am low contact with sibling, partly because they did not alert me that their stepdaughter’s husband is a dangerous criminal before I visited with them.

Sibling physically attacked me in the past at least three times.

On a trip, long ago, they broke my suitcase in anger.

I used to think this was all my fault but I matured and got therapy.

Now sibling wants to be added back to phone calls with financial advisor to discuss parent’s affairs.

I want nothing to do with sibling, and they have monopolized the convo with the advisor with their nonstop talking. And they cause expensive problems and do not take accountability because they are never wrong.

They are mentally ill, but everyone else is the problem, of course.

How can I tell them “no” without enraging them?

[Anonymous]

What does “I manage the affairs for my dad” mean - do you have powers of attorney, or whatever the right term would be? If not, obtain that. If so or when you do, have the financial person be the baddie/authority that says “we can only meet with power of attorney” person, not all the family members who want to.
This is hard. My situation is nowhere like this, but I understand. My sibling visits and cheers up the parents, but has never done the bathroom visits or getting ready for bed, or figuring out which pajamas are easy to change and work with the required gear, or made any meals.

[Anonymous]

You can't tell someone like that "no" without angering them, but before we discuss that more..

Who has POA? Can you outsource it all and let that person deal with your sibling? I have a sibling with a personality disorder who is litigious and angry and has revenge fantasies every time she feels slighted by anyone, so that is what I did.

You cannot prevent the rage, all you can do is manage things. You remain calm, keep boundaries and detach, then remove yourself. I remind myself to have radical acceptance but also figure out what I can manage-my interactions. I limit interactions and let hired professionals do it all.

I don't know about your case, but in mine, my parents were complicit. they were alerted to siblings mental health issues by teachers, friends, relatives and me over the years and every single time they shot the messenger, rather than getting help. I know help is a long arduous process of therapy and medication, but the times this sibling hit rock bottom and got therapy and medication-so much more rational and able to manage anger, but never sticks with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does “I manage the affairs for my dad” mean - do you have powers of attorney, or whatever the right term would be? If not, obtain that. If so or when you do, have the financial person be the baddie/authority that says “we can only meet with power of attorney” person, not all the family members who want to.
This is hard. My situation is nowhere like this, but I understand. My sibling visits and cheers up the parents, but has never done the bathroom visits or getting ready for bed, or figuring out which pajamas are easy to change and work with the required gear, or made any meals.

Yes, I have the POA.

I’m sorry your sibling is unhelpful and that things with your parents are tough. That is difficult.

Thank you for the suggestion.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't tell someone like that "no" without angering them, but before we discuss that more..

Who has POA? Can you outsource it all and let that person deal with your sibling? I have a sibling with a personality disorder who is litigious and angry and has revenge fantasies every time she feels slighted by anyone, so that is what I did.

You cannot prevent the rage, all you can do is manage things. You remain calm, keep boundaries and detach, then remove yourself. I remind myself to have radical acceptance but also figure out what I can manage-my interactions. I limit interactions and let hired professionals do it all.

I don't know about your case, but in mine, my parents were complicit. they were alerted to siblings mental health issues by teachers, friends, relatives and me over the years and every single time they shot the messenger, rather than getting help. I know help is a long arduous process of therapy and medication, but the times this sibling hit rock bottom and got therapy and medication-so much more rational and able to manage anger, but never sticks with it.

I can tell you understand since you have a similar sibling.

Yes, I have the POA. I assume sibling will try to sue me for something. However, I keep very good records.

There is a lot I have outsourced, but sometimes there are decisions that can’t be outsourced.

My parents were also complicit. They never got help for sibling. My dad’s mother could not stand my sibling because of the self-centeredness.

One of my parents was also disordered and loved to keep the siblings divided as a way to keep themselves, the parent, in the center.

They are both untreated people and have ruined enough of my years.

Hope you can find peace. I am close after a long road.

[Anonymous]

You cannot control their rage or their responses. Your first order of business is dropping this line of thinking.

As a PP said, elicit support from the attorney and financial advisor with the “I can only meet with the person who has POA.”

I would also just stay as low contact as possible. You’re under no obligation to speak to them. Let all calls go to voicemail. If you absolutely must respond, give as much space as possible such as 48 hours. Keep answers as vague as possible. You do not need to announce when you’re meeting with a financial advisor. It’s okay to be flakey and forgetful. And it’s okay to appear rude when, in fact, you’re simply setting boundaries: “So I’m going to end this call right now.” Then hang up.

[Anonymous]

NP. Agree with the advice to stay as low-contact as possible, especially if you think your sibling will disrupt the decision-making. Your dad's needs are what matter most.

I'm not sure what sort of mental issues your sibling has, or why you feel their involvement would make things worse. But if they're like my sister, they might try to take control by saying "no" to everything you or various professionals suggest. It got to the point where I'd suggest the opposite, just so sis would think she won yet we'd still end up with a reasonable result. Although I did push back hard when she tried to fire the two best CNAs....

Point being, you don't want to open the door to disruption--if you think her participation is going to be based more on her own needs, and on her power plays, than on what your dad really needs.

[Anonymous]

Since you have power of attorney, just ... don't answer them.

[Anonymous]

“I’m going to keep handling Dad’s finances directly with the advisor and won’t be adding anyone else to the calls.”

If they push or try to override:

“I’m responsible for managing this, and the setup isn’t changing.”

You can bring up POA only if they keep escalating.

Short, calm, repeat. The less you “prove,” the less they have to argue with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You cannot control their rage or their responses. Your first order of business is dropping this line of thinking.

As a PP said, elicit support from the attorney and financial advisor with the “I can only meet with the person who has POA.”

I would also just stay as low contact as possible. You’re under no obligation to speak to them. Let all calls go to voicemail. If you absolutely must respond, give as much space as possible such as 48 hours. Keep answers as vague as possible. You do not need to announce when you’re meeting with a financial advisor. It’s okay to be flakey and forgetful. And it’s okay to appear rude when, in fact, you’re simply setting boundaries: “So I’m going to end this call right now.” Then hang up.

Thank you so much for saying my first order of business is to drop this line of thinking. I really needed to hear that!

I have issues with appearing flakey, and I will work on this. Time to be flakey as I can be. After all, they are that way. Why shouldn't I return the same?

I have blocked them on my phone and all social media platforms possible, so that part is taken care of. Before this, they would call and then, if I answered, go on for hours in a work day while telling me they have so much work to do...This is what my mother used to do, too. Two peas in a pod, really.

They can email me, and I can email them. That's it.

OP

[Anonymous]

NP

OP you sound like you have some good ideas, including keeping things to email. I have different sorts of nutso family issues and have blocked the worst offenders even from email and now only communicate via snail mail. It's great for slowing things down. Just something to keep in your back pocket that I hope you never need. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you have power of attorney, just ... don't answer them.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP

OP you sound like you have some good ideas, including keeping things to email. I have different sorts of nutso family issues and have blocked the worst offenders even from email and now only communicate via snail mail. It's great for slowing things down. Just something to keep in your back pocket that I hope you never need. Best wishes.

Thank you. I will keep that idea in mind. So far, they have been ok by email.

PS: It is funny when they say we agreed to something and I have the email proof we did not. They can’t gaslight me now. Hahaha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you have power of attorney, just ... don't answer them.

This is good to hear.

I thought I was required to keep them informed.

OP