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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You don't really get past it. You accept it or not. High ACE scores, which people with attachment problems likely have, are tough. [/quote]

Yes and no. I'm a woman with disorganized attachment style due to abuse and neglect in childhood plus a major trauma that occurred in my early 20s. I started therapy shortly after that traumatic event and have continued it off and on throughout my adulthood. I'm actually pretty functional at this point -- I'm married in a stable and loving marriage, I'm a mom, I am financially secure, I have a handful of long-term friendships of several decades, etc. All things that are supposed to be very hard for people with my background and attachment style.

Self-awareness is such a huge step. And then forgiveness of self (for having these issues, and also releasing yourself from the blame you have likely assigned to yourself for the abuse or neglect you experienced). Then accountability and responsibility for one's own actions. That last one is critical to being able to sustain relationships over time -- if you can't do it, you become very narcissistic even if you are otherwise self-aware and healing. But if you can do it, the world opens up.

My life is not perfect, I know there are challenges to being my spouse, child, or friend that you might not encounter with someone who doesn't have my background or mental health issues. But I also have a lot of empathy which makes me a good wife, mother, and friend, and am better than average under pressure or in a crisis because of what I have been through in my life.

So all is not lost. You just keep working at it.[/quote]

I’m also a disorganized attachment style woman.

The biggest thing for me has been learning to stay away from men who can’t handle it. Most can’t, which is fine. I don’t want to make anyone’s life miserable, and I’m not entitled to a relationship.

I’m single now, but the last guy I dated, while he was a great guy and truly tried to learn what I need, he just couldn’t do it in practice. It’s not that he didn’t want to or didn’t care, he just couldn’t do it. We were both fairly miserable and ended things amicably.

I did decades of therapy (from age 15-38) for this and nothing ever helped. So at this point I’m satisfied with being single, and if the right person comes along, great. If not, I’m okay with being single.

If you’re the partner, I’d say educate yourself as much as possible and decide if this is something you want to deal with and are capable of dealing with. If not, there’s no shame in moving on. [/quote]

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