Grief of a Failed Marriage and Jealousy

[Anonymous]

Over the past year my 10 year marriage fell apart. It became apparent that we were never a good fit and he had serious character and personality defects where he serially cheated on me and became an alcoholic.

I am now single again. Meanwhile my two best friends from childhood are happily married and in thriving marriages. Yes yes lots of married people around but…I remember us as single girls in our twenties and now they’re married happily and having babies while…I’m back to square one.

I’m also late thirties so there’s no guarantee I will ever get to have children and meet another man romantically.

These two women have become close and share baby and life milestones and I feel left behind and not at all part of this club.

It’s really hard. I find myself being jealous their lives are one celebration of a milestone after another. Baby showers, birthdays, buying new homes etc.

Meanwhile I have nothing to show for the past 10 years except emotional scars of being in an emotionally abusive marriage and now I’m bitter and jaded.

How can I help process these feelings?

[Anonymous]

Have a baby by yourself, OP. Use a sperm donor.

[Anonymous]

I"m sory, I'm sure it relaly is very hard. I really recommend some therapy to help you through this phase. Maybe you'll decide to have a child on your own, maybe you'll try dating, maybe maybe maybe - there are big decisions ahead and working with a therapist can hlep oyu process this grief and also the very natural jealousy you feel.

[Anonymous]

Definitely therapy and it’s time to branch out socially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the past year my 10 year marriage fell apart. It became apparent that we were never a good fit and he had serious character and personality defects where he serially cheated on me and became an alcoholic.

I am now single again. Meanwhile my two best friends from childhood are happily married and in thriving marriages. Yes yes lots of married people around but…I remember us as single girls in our twenties and now they’re married happily and having babies while…I’m back to square one.

I’m also late thirties so there’s no guarantee I will ever get to have children and meet another man romantically.

These two women have become close and share baby and life milestones and I feel left behind and not at all part of this club.

It’s really hard. I find myself being jealous their lives are one celebration of a milestone after another. Baby showers, birthdays, buying new homes etc.

Meanwhile I have nothing to show for the past 10 years except emotional scars of being in an emotionally abusive marriage and now I’m bitter and jaded.

How can I help process these feelings?

A good therapist who can help you learn that comparison is the thief of joy.

[Anonymous]

AlAnon.

[Anonymous]

Therapy. But also, it gets better

[Anonymous]

I think it takes time to come to terms with your own life, grief, and decisions. That healing will happen.

I will also say that this is a very hard time because many of your peers will be going through those milestones and its natural to compare, even if not healthy.

It may happen for you, too, but if it doesn't, you are not consigning yourself to an empty life. My friends who partnered in their later 40s/50s are the happiest women I know. One married someone who had kids, the other 2 married men who didnt have/want kids, but they all have very rich, full lives, and a lot of freedom (and money). Their relationships are solid, but they also have rich friend networks, and full lives because they spent their late 30s and 40s doing those kinds of things. They also all struggled in their late 30s as others seemed to be doing things by the book, but that moment in life passes.

So work through the grief, but also know that your future is not yet written and it is full of possibility.

[Anonymous]

I am sure it was all ex-husband fault that your marriage failed. Two to tango you know?

[Anonymous]

I'm glad you're finally out of this marriage you have only been posting about 6 years

[Anonymous]

I'm very sorry that you are struggling and it is normal to have those feelings of envy towards friends who seems to have it all. Like others here said, I would recommend therapy and you should also try to find more friends. There are many opportunities in the DMV area. I was suddenly single after a 20 year marriage and it was hard, but I found my tribe and eventually a new boyfriend, too. You can do this, OP! There is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad you're finally out of this marriage you have only been posting about 6 years

Amen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad you're finally out of this marriage you have only been posting about 6 years

How'd you know it was the same poster?

[Anonymous]

Life is long, and you never know from the outside what is really going on in others’ marriages. And as a previous poster said, comparison never - literally never - helps you. Live for yourself, not for what others have (or appear to have).

You should seek therapy to find out what signs you missed so you don’t repeat your mistakes.

You should consider freezing your eggs so you don’t feel so time pressured to have kids. A friend of mine did that and she met her husband at 39, had her first (healthy) kid at 41.

Panicking isn’t going to help you. So take time to reassess what happened, what went wrong, and how you want to live going forward.

[Anonymous]

Take a look at this website:
https://whatsyourgrief.com/life-doesnt-turn-out-the-way-you-planned/