How to stop being the nag?

[Anonymous]

The dynamic between my freshman son and me is all stress -- meanwhile his dad is mr. fun/coach/sports guy. I am the one who fields academic stuff, paperwork, deals with his tutor, camp or sports sign-ups, reminds him when he has 10 missing assignments in powerschool, manages his IEP (he is dyslexic/adhd). Today he forgot he was staying for extra help for math and came in bewildered on his bike. His teacher emailed me asking where he was. I lost it. I just got so frustrated and screamed at him while driving him back to school.
I try to do less and let him fail on his own but it also does result in worse grades, missed deadlines, etc. My husband says he's "happy to help" but that will take delegation and direction - he's not the default logistician and point of contact. My son then told me he associates our whole relationship with stress, that I need to care less, and that his dad makes everyhting fun and I just began crying and crying because I do so much - work hard - try to give my kids a good life nad I feel like I failed at my one job. I am 47, perimenopausal, work full time, have an elderly mother in need of assisted living, I have another kid, I am just DONE and feel taken for granted.

[Anonymous]

First, hugs. You have a lot on your plate.

Second, you have to step back a bit. He screwed up. He needs to own that. Not you. This isn’t something to scream at him over. He will make mistakes. He has to figure out a system that works for him. The calendar on his phone with reminders, or a paper calendar. Maybe an executive functioning coach who can help him with strategies. Something. But you can’t live his life for him. This is on him to learn how to do. You can’t be his brain.

[Anonymous]

You think your freshman son isn't also hormonal? You think he appreciates being screamed at? Has it occurred to you that he spends all day surrounded by OTHER hormonal teens and then comes home to his stressed out perimenopausal mother who is stressed about his grandparent? Why aren't you letting him fail? Get the bad grades? Because he won't get into a good college? But you can't go with him to college. Let him get into an easier college where he can succeed. Tell his teachers to STOP reaching out to you when he doesn't show up for his extra help. They can reach out to him or call him out for it when they see him the next day

Teach him when his schedule will be out of the norm (like staying late for extra help) to set an alarm on his phone that reminds him what he's supposed to do. And then drop that rope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You think your freshman son isn't also hormonal? You think he appreciates being screamed at? Has it occurred to you that he spends all day surrounded by OTHER hormonal teens and then comes home to his stressed out perimenopausal mother who is stressed about his grandparent? Why aren't you letting him fail? Get the bad grades? Because he won't get into a good college? But you can't go with him to college. Let him get into an easier college where he can succeed. Tell his teachers to STOP reaching out to you when he doesn't show up for his extra help. They can reach out to him or call him out for it when they see him the next day

Teach him when his schedule will be out of the norm (like staying late for extra help) to set an alarm on his phone that reminds him what he's supposed to do. And then drop that rope.

Yikes!

[Anonymous]

50 yo menopausal mom here - I hear you. First of all - Start watching the We Do Not Care videos. You will find your people and need them the next few years as you start menopause.

Second, breathe. Relax a little. If he doesn't stay after, do not drive him back. It is okay. You don't have to reply to the teacher right away. They shouldn't have emailed you, your kid is in HS. The only reason to do this was if they were covering and you either email a lot, your kid is in danger of failing or the teacher is high maintence. It is Q4.

It is time to back off a little. You can remind him but don't nag for every little thing. He needs some space and might let some things go. It is how he will learn. Start checking in every few days, not multiple times each day. He might even respond better to this. He is trying to figure out a new sense of independence.

You are both changing with menopause and puberty and it will get worse before better. Give each other space.

- HS teacher and mom of 2 teens.

[Anonymous]

BTDT, OP. Big hugs.

I had to stay on top of all that stuff with my severely ADHD teen (+ ASD, low processing, learning disabilities) until he left for college. There was no margin for error. In college, a burden was lifted off both our shoulders, because he had fewer demands on his time, fewer classes, fewer structured activities outside of school and blessedly, he could sleep in instead of waking up before dawn to commute to his school. He still has accommodations for final exams, and this resulted in messy situations where he forgot to schedule a special time to take his exams, etc... but he resolved those on his own, and survived. He didn't have to juggle a hundred balls in the air like in high school, and therefore, could do it all without us! So don't be too concerned for college. All you have to do is get him in there.

Since I had no option but to be his scheduler and issue reminders all the damn time in high school... I made sure to reiterate that I was doing this because I loved him, and that I did not want him to close doors for himself before college. That in college, he was perforce going to be dealing with a lot of this stuff himself. But until then, I was going to be the administrative side of his life. And occasionally yell at him.

My husband drove him to school and tutored him in math for a year (after which he threw up his hands and paid for a tutor). That was the extent of his involvement.

[Anonymous]

I think you need more clarity on exactly what you're expecting him to remember versus what you're remembering for him. He needs to know what he's responsible for, and have a plan for those responsibilities. Pick just a few things for him and build it up gradually. Ambiguity about who is responsible for what is only going to lead to problems.

Read That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week-- it's an oldie but a goodie-- and try to get him to see that life will be so much easier and he will have MORE free time if he gets a handle on organizational skills.

It sounds like you have way too much on your plate and should consider what you can remove. Figure out something your husband can "own" and make him own it-- choose carefully something where you're willing to let him drop the ball.

And your son also has more than he can handle, and you should consider what you can eliminate from his life. Can he take a half credit class in the summer, for example?

[Anonymous]

Executive Function coach, stat. This is when you throw $ at the problem to save the relationship.

Ask the school counselor for names, ask all your friends, ask on the school list serv - I promise you, more kids have them than you know about

[CareDream]

Anonymous wrote:Executive Function coach, stat. This is when you throw $ at the problem to save the relationship.

Ask the school counselor for names, ask all your friends, ask on the school list serv - I promise you, more kids have them than you know about[/quote

That’s what we did! It took a while but we found one. This was the second coach we’ve tried - she’s amazing! I love the “throw $ at the problem to save relationship”. That is very true. We did. And it has. The cost isn’t bad compared to some we’ve heard. And the coaching has had a big impact on al of us. It’s been great. Stay strong. It will get better.

[Anonymous]

Eh, I would drop most of the scheduled activities and have a talk about trade school with him.
Because that is actually not a bad option. Seriously, even after he gets through college, what then with this organization skills deficit?
The licensed skilled trades pay very well actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, I would drop most of the scheduled activities and have a talk about trade school with him.
Because that is actually not a bad option. Seriously, even after he gets through college, what then with this organization skills deficit?
The licensed skilled trades pay very well actually.

Huh?

[Anonymous]

Sports goes under the umbrella of school. Doesn't he have to pass to play sports? Dh needs to be fully in charge of school. They can sit together in the evening, study, go over all deadlines and enter things in the calendar, all before they start on sports. Or do it after practice but if they don't do it when they get home then no practice next day and he risks getting dropped unless he has a handle on school.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, it’s so so so hard to bear the mental load while working full time.

It’s okay for him to make mistakes. It’s okay if he doesn’t make perfect grades. It’s your job to guide, not run his life. Maybe you do need to take a step back for a month and he can see how much you do for him and you can see how well he can handle things on his own. Figure out systems (phone reminders, etc) and check in once a week and that’s it. Give yourself a break and also consider talking to your doctor about hormone replacement or anti anxiety meds or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sports goes under the umbrella of school. Doesn't he have to pass to play sports? Dh needs to be fully in charge of school. They can sit together in the evening, study, go over all deadlines and enter things in the calendar, all before they start on sports. Or do it after practice but if they don't do it when they get home then no practice next day and he risks getting dropped unless he has a handle on school.

This can backfire. If sports is the one arena where he feels confident and comfortable, taking it away can make him think “I suck at everything so I might as well stop trying,” plus the usual detrimental effects of stopping exercise.

Your reaction is telling you that you’re doing too much, OP. Let him fail and get bad grades - you will both see that it will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Have you brainstormed with him about things that would make this less stressful? For example, my daughter has told me that I absolutely cannot ask her how her day was. She actually sent me a funny video about a teenager talking about how her parents were attacking her every day after school by asking this question. She wants to come home and watch 15-20 minutes of a show with me and only after that can we discuss school. I can then go through with her class by class and help her make a list of all she needs to get done that night. Sometimes we agree that she will just take an extra day to get something done (she has this accommodation). If there aren’t penalties for turning things in late, you might just decide to save them for the weekend.

Also, I went on cymbalta for pain management during peri and middle school. It took the edge off how angry I got. I also have a wonderful husband in many ways, but they are both ADHD and doing homework together is a total disaster.

I also have a kid for whom my negativity just makes things a million times slower. She is going to do better and go faster if I’m like “that’s great, you did three math problems already. Let’s see if you can get through the next 7 and then I will bring up some popcorn” instead of “OMG how have you only done three math problems in 30 minutes” (which is what I want to say).

You also can take a step back and see what happens. Last quarter of freshman year isn’t a terrible one to let the balls drop. And really try to do fun stuff with your kid. Watch a movie, play minigolf, let him teach you a video game, etc. In fact, letting him teach you something that he is good at and you are not good at might be a really good experience for both of you.