How to stop being the nag?

[Anonymous]

I hear you. I also hate being the drill sergeant while DH gets to be Fun Sports Guy.

I’m learning to at least grip the rope less tightly, even if sometimes it’s hard for me to drop it completely. And it really does make a difference.

In your case, ask yourself why you drove your son back to school. If he came home on his bike, then surely he can go right back out the door and pedal back to school for whatever tutoring time his teacher has left. Let his teacher read him the riot act about wasting his/her time.

[Anonymous]

I agree with dropping the rope and delegating to dad. Also you both should be on the same page moving forward.

Find some time for yourself and prioritize you daily when you do t

[Anonymous]

You and your husband are not a team. Your son is getting mixed messages about his responsibilities: too much from you, not enough from your husband.

To be clear I blame your husband. I don't agree with posters saying you need to chill out. Your husband needs to help, your son needs an organizational strategy and some agency.

But I'd start with your H. "Happy to help" my @ss. Dude needs to be a parent. He's not your assistant.

[Anonymous]

It is TOUGH. Following along for advice. In a similar boat with my 8th grade DS ... same dynamic.

[Anonymous]

What worked with my ds was sending him text reminders that literally said: "Reminder: Band Practice at 4pm *heart emoji*." Beyond that, I would not address whatever the reminder was about at all, ever. I would do this in the am, and then again before the activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your husband are not a team. Your son is getting mixed messages about his responsibilities: too much from you, not enough from your husband.

To be clear I blame your husband. I don't agree with posters saying you need to chill out. Your husband needs to help, your son needs an organizational strategy and some agency.

But I'd start with your H. "Happy to help" my @ss. Dude needs to be a parent. He's not your assistant.

+1000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your husband are not a team. Your son is getting mixed messages about his responsibilities: too much from you, not enough from your husband.

To be clear I blame your husband. I don't agree with posters saying you need to chill out. Your husband needs to help, your son needs an organizational strategy and some agency.

But I'd start with your H. "Happy to help" my @ss. Dude needs to be a parent. He's not your assistant.

THIS.

You have a spouse problem not a kid problem.

[Anonymous]

The OP knows she has a spouse problem. A lot of us do. But this doesn't help! These dads are not able/willing to put in more, if anything, they throw the balance even more off when they get irritated with DS. Why do you think the OP does most of the things?

Hang in there, OP. Ask your DS how he'd like to deal with him missing stuff. Maybe sending text messages is a good idea and would work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you brainstormed with him about things that would make this less stressful? For example, my daughter has told me that I absolutely cannot ask her how her day was. She actually sent me a funny video about a teenager talking about how her parents were attacking her every day after school by asking this question. She wants to come home and watch 15-20 minutes of a show with me and only after that can we discuss school. I can then go through with her class by class and help her make a list of all she needs to get done that night. Sometimes we agree that she will just take an extra day to get something done (she has this accommodation). If there aren’t penalties for turning things in late, you might just decide to save them for the weekend.

Also, I went on cymbalta for pain management during peri and middle school. It took the edge off how angry I got. I also have a wonderful husband in many ways, but they are both ADHD and doing homework together is a total disaster.

I also have a kid for whom my negativity just makes things a million times slower. She is going to do better and go faster if I’m like “that’s great, you did three math problems already. Let’s see if you can get through the next 7 and then I will bring up some popcorn” instead of “OMG how have you only done three math problems in 30 minutes” (which is what I want to say).

You also can take a step back and see what happens. Last quarter of freshman year isn’t a terrible one to let the balls drop. And really try to do fun stuff with your kid. Watch a movie, play minigolf, let him teach you a video game, etc. In fact, letting him teach you something that he is good at and you are not good at might be a really good experience for both of you.

I’m not the OP but I’m mentally taking notes on some of the ideas in this informative response - you sound like a really responsive parent!

[Anonymous]

Family therapy for all is needed so you can all talk about what you all want and need. Executive functioning coach to help with setting reminders and task lists.

[Anonymous]

Your husband has to do more of the hard, nagging stuff. Figure out what you can lop off and hand over to him. Make sure you, DH, and DS have a shared phone calendar so everyone knows what’s on the schedule.

Getting an executive functioning coach is a good idea. It’ll take some pressure off you and make it clear to your son that this is his thing to work on, not your thing to chase him around about.

[Anonymous]

This is me! I feel you all the way. Totally me with ADHD but something else besides dyslexia. I do the IEP and advocating. I do sports and other activities. Same for my other child (minus the IEP).

It is so hard and exhausting.

I have no answers. I don’t want him to fail. I want to teachers to notice him.

I try to speak calmly but I not super good at it all the time. He talks back to me.

I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. I am leaning more into the hands off. It’s SO frustrating, and you put in so much freaking work. And that work is somehow simultaneously invisible AND resented.
It’s not fair. Not fair at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dynamic between my freshman son and me is all stress -- meanwhile his dad is mr. fun/coach/sports guy. I am the one who fields academic stuff, paperwork, deals with his tutor, camp or sports sign-ups, reminds him when he has 10 missing assignments in powerschool, manages his IEP (he is dyslexic/adhd). Today he forgot he was staying for extra help for math and came in bewildered on his bike. His teacher emailed me asking where he was. I lost it. I just got so frustrated and screamed at him while driving him back to school.
I try to do less and let him fail on his own but it also does result in worse grades, missed deadlines, etc. My husband says he's "happy to help" but that will take delegation and direction - he's not the default logistician and point of contact. My son then told me he associates our whole relationship with stress, that I need to care less, and that his dad makes everyhting fun and I just began crying and crying because I do so much - work hard - try to give my kids a good life nad I feel like I failed at my one job. I am 47, perimenopausal, work full time, have an elderly mother in need of assisted living, I have another kid, I am just DONE and feel taken for granted.

I can tell you that you are not alone. We have the same dynamic. It's really hard. I have to do breath work to get through some days with my ADHD high school boy. On the outside, he looks like he is thriving, but in reality, he has a very involved mom who doesn't let him forget his schoolwork, and who literally has to supervise him making his bed and brushing his teeth every morning. I'm sooooo tired. I kind of want to get a divorce after he leaves and just live happily ever after in peaceful solitude for the rest of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You think your freshman son isn't also hormonal? You think he appreciates being screamed at? Has it occurred to you that he spends all day surrounded by OTHER hormonal teens and then comes home to his stressed out perimenopausal mother who is stressed about his grandparent? Why aren't you letting him fail? Get the bad grades? Because he won't get into a good college? But you can't go with him to college. Let him get into an easier college where he can succeed. Tell his teachers to STOP reaching out to you when he doesn't show up for his extra help. They can reach out to him or call him out for it when they see him the next day

Teach him when his schedule will be out of the norm (like staying late for extra help) to set an alarm on his phone that reminds him what he's supposed to do. And then drop that rope.

I agree with this. Well said.