How to get through to spouse with angre problem

[Anonymous]

My spouse has anger issues and always has. Things are now at a breaking point as it's now affecting the whole family unit. I'm not at the point of issuing an ultimatum, but need them to commit to individual therapy.

If you had to have a come to Jesus on something like this, how did you do it? At home? on a walk? in a public place?

What finally got through to them? We go through these cycles of things being pretty good and then one thing will trigger and explosive and frankly scary reaction. Both children are expressing concerns for their own and my safety.

[Anonymous]

You don’t, because someone like that is already using their anger as a tool to manipulate you. If you thought you could safely issue an ultimatum or change things, you would have already.

I was in deep when I did decide to risk an ultimatum, which he never even acknowledged. Then I got an email out of the blue a few weeks later saying I was going to be served divorce papers.

Don’t worry about him anymore. Work on you and your kids. Get attorney consults and get an emergency fund and a legal retainer fund going. In the meantime, act like everything is ok so you buy yourself time to make a safety plan and a financial plan. I didn’t have any warning but it was still a priority for me to have places my kids could run to after the filing in case things escalated, updated emergency contacts expecting he will flake on pickup at school and activities, etc.

Stay safe. I know how it feels and how isolated and confused you might feel.

[Anonymous]

Nothing. It’s their issue to solve, not yours. At some point, you realize nothing you do will make them change and you leave.

[Anonymous]

He isn't going to suddenly change one fine day. You dated him, got engaged to him, married him, had one kid with him and then had another kid with him so he knows you'll put up with his issues. You find a family counselor or a clergy person and there you request a trial separation of one year where he attends therapy and meet you once a week. If you see him trying to change than you reconcile and if you don't see enough change, you file for a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Do work on your role in this equation as well. Nobody is perfect and everyone can improve.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the haters and people giving bad advice, OP.

His raging is not your fault, and I’m sure he hid his true colors very well from you during your dating years, it is not your fault for marrying him.

ChatGPT has better advice than a lot of the humans on this board.

[Anonymous]

Spouse told me if I didn't stop yelling, he would leave. I took the anger management course through PEP (Parent Encouragement Program). Life-changing

[Anonymous]

His brain is messed up. He is not choosing to be angry. There's no medicine for anger.
He should live alone and stay away from other people.

[Anonymous]

I am a female with anger issues. My anger comes from anxiety. Once I controlled my anxiety, my anger lessened. I control my anxiety through medication. My husband did give me an ultimatum and that is what it took for me to actually seek help. I am happier, he’s happier and my children are happier. He had a talk with me at home (that is my safe place), without the kids around (my sister watched them for the weekend) and he was very calm when he spoke to me.

[Anonymous]

If you are worried about physical violence, you contact a domestic violence organization to get help working through a plan.

If you are not worried about violence, then you tell him that you guys need to separate for 12 months and he needs weekly anger management therapy. Ask him to move out.

Be ready to file for divorce when he refuses to do these things. It is very, very rare for people to change something like this. Unless he realizes it is linked to anxiety/depression and he gets both medicinal and therapeutic support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing. It’s their issue to solve, not yours. At some point, you realize nothing you do will make them change and you leave.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse has anger issues and always has. Things are now at a breaking point as it's now affecting the whole family unit. I'm not at the point of issuing an ultimatum, but need them to commit to individual therapy.

If you had to have a come to Jesus on something like this, how did you do it? At home? on a walk? in a public place?

What finally got through to them? We go through these cycles of things being pretty good and then one thing will trigger and explosive and frankly scary reaction. Both children are expressing concerns for their own and my safety.

You married and procreated with a person with anger issues. I'm not sure why you're surprised now, but your number one goal is to keep your children safe. The talk isn't going to go well, you should have a contingency plan in place. Can your kids stay at a friend's or relative's over the weekend? Can you have the conversation somewhere quiet but public that you arrive at in separate cars?

What SHOULD have gotten through to them by now is the fact that they're scaring their children, but they don't seem to care. You need to understand that this person is likely never going to change. This is who you married and this is likely who you'll end up divorcing. Why on earth would you have children with someone who has anger issues?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the haters and people giving bad advice, OP.

His raging is not your fault, and I’m sure he hid his true colors very well from you during your dating years, it is not your fault for marrying him.

ChatGPT has better advice than a lot of the humans on this board.

Actually, yeah, it is. And it's definitely her fault for having children with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a female with anger issues. My anger comes from anxiety. Once I controlled my anxiety, my anger lessened. I control my anxiety through medication. My husband did give me an ultimatum and that is what it took for me to actually seek help. I am happier, he’s happier and my children are happier. He had a talk with me at home (that is my safe place), without the kids around (my sister watched them for the weekend) and he was very calm when he spoke to me.

Same. It also can be from depression And perimenopause. Wellbutrin was a miracle worker for me. I stopped yelling.

Now tables have turned and it’s my spouse who won’t do anything for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His brain is messed up. He is not choosing to be angry. There's no medicine for anger.
He should live alone and stay away from other people.

Yes. This.

He needs to stop faking his life and fix it or go be a hermit by himself.