freshman drinking
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Didn't think we'd have to deal with this for at least a couple of years, but a friend of DD's got ahold of vodka and a group got wasted. I feel like an idiot for not even realizing she was drunk when I picked her up the other night. I thought she'd just had fun with new friends. But - the friend who supplied the vodka posted photos on social media (seriously - how do kids not know better?); another parent found out and shared details with me.
When confronted with what I knew and had seen, DD still chose to lie to straight to my face -- and she was *good* at it. This is despite us having the longstanding rule that the truth will never get you 'in trouble' but lying will have consequences. We've always held true to that and to the best of my knowledge, this is the first time she's had alcohol. Obviously I don't know if that's true. I understand the knee-jerk reaction of fear and denial in this situation, but I gave her a few chances to come clean and she still chose lies. Phone is gone. Computer is gone. She is grounded. I will be driving her to and from school and sports for the foreseeable future. But I'm feeling at a loss here. I don't think these are solutions; they're just to give me comfort that I know what she's doing and where she is and that she's safe. We have alcoholism and substance abuse in our family. I struggled greatly with drugs as a teen (I was a young runaway and wound up in rehab; very messy) and can't drink alcohol. DD is in therapy for anxiety and is on meds for ADHD, which is a really bad combo with alcohol. Beyond that, she's straight A student and a generally very nice kid. So for those who have BTDT: - How do you address teen drinking? - How do I not let my icky past influence how I see her in the present? (I've been through a lot of therapy, but having this play in IRL is much different than in a therapist's office.) - How do we untangle this and get back to a place of trust? I think she's as confused as I am right now. |
Anonymous
|
Just exactly like you’re doing. It’s hard OP, I know.
Stay in touch with these parents. The one who tipped you off is a good person to know. Unfortunately many parents aren’t like this; many would have never mentioned it to you. Learn which ones you can trust in things like this. And keep talking to your daughter. Who are these “new friends” and what happened to her old friends? Changing friend groups is a normal part of high school but she needs to make smart choices here. |
Anonymous
|
FWIW this is pretty normal. I did the same type thing when I was a freshman. I am not an alcoholic or an addict. I also have a freshman and this is pretty common as they are getting older. My child plays on a HS sports team with older kids and they said that the older kids talk about getting wasted.
We have told our kids the same re honesty. I think you did the right thing re the lying. |
Anonymous
From what I'm seeing in a large Arlington public, many parents want their kids to be cool and will supply alcohol and a place for them to hang out. |
Anonymous
| PP again. Also refocus your thinking on your own past. That is a gift now that will provide a lot of insight. You know more about this than you hope and pray she ever will. |
Anonymous
| Solidarity. Happened with my DS too but in grade 10. I took the phone away but quickly realized that wasn't going to work. It's really hard not having control and I don't have answers. Having not had much experience with drugs/alcohol until college myself, I do think it's good that some experimentation happens in late high school, but it's still so risky. |
Anonymous
| Does she know the family history with addiction? It's at least partly genetic, so it's important she understand her risk factors. I would also make an appointment with her psychiatrist so she can learn (from someone other than you) how alcohol, ADHD, and ADHD meds interact. |
Anonymous
|
I also have alcohol and substance abuse in my family, my parent died from it. My DD is also ADHD and has anxiety, so I can relate on that level too. When my DD started drinking I was VERY triggered for obvious reasons. That being said, I decided quickly we needed open line of communication regarding drinking/drugs. They are going to find a way no matter what you take away from them. They are going to test limits just like we did as kids. Our past trauma does not reflect on the current situation BUT it can inform us.
The first time we caught her with alcohol (a can in her room) freshman year we did not ground her. e.g. What does taking a computer away have to do with drinking alcohol? Instead we had many discussions about the consequences of - inhibitions/consent/SA - drinking on school property leading to impacts to her future/college admissions (she didn't do this but its common at our HS football games) - not driving with anyone even after 1 drink, reaffirming we would drive her anywhere anytime and gave her a teen uber account The only "punishment" was that there would be no sleepovers because thats how they get away with these things easier, and I would be the one picking her up on weekend nights for a period of time to get an eye on her. Then Junior year there was a huge party and one of her friends was dangerously intoxicated. No one in the friend group wanted to call the mother because she was the punitive type, giving harsh punishments that did not match the "crime". She is a yeller and they were scared of her. They called me. I considered that a "win" in our approach. My DD did what I asked her to- she called me when she needed help. I got there as soon as I could, made sure the friend didn't need medical attention and of course called the mother. My DD had been drinking too but I did not punish her. She did the right thing, even when doing something wrong (underage drinking). Do I want her to drink? NO! Do I want her learning these lessons on her own at college, NO! Its a hard balance... |
Anonymous
| Super challenging issue. Try hard to keep communication lines open. Acknowledge that it will be around, but you are not endorsing underage drinking (particularly that young). I would also emphasize the danger of mixing medications and alcohol to your daughter. Stress that the freedom to go to events with friends where it may be around is the responsibility to say no. Tell her she can always blame her awful parents for not drinking (to push off peer pressure). Punish lying and not being honest versus mistakes. That's all I got. Still navigating these issues and there is no perfect solution and it is very kid/environment dependent. |
Anonymous
|
Found out last year that my HS sophomore had been drinking and lied about it when caught. She was grounded for a while, and the friends she drank with were banned from the house for a while too (because they snuck alcohol in). Now, they're allowed, and she is allowed to go out in a limited capacity, but DD gets breathalyzed randomly.
When she complains, I tell her that we had many conversations around trust from a very young age, and now she's finding out that once lost, it's really difficult to get it back. |
Anonymous
| Don’t tolerate it. If you don’t have connections that the dmv area has it is very easy to spin out of control. And I drank and smoked and did the typical shit from 16 up and was very lucky to not get addicted or caught |
Anonymous
| However she is still a teen and I’d keep talking to her and reiterate she can earn things back |
Anonymous
Can remember what an old teammate told me 20 years ago that half are lying |
Anonymous
|
This is hard. I think you’ve done the right things. She can’t be grounded forever though. As she gets phone and privileges back, pay attention to the friends. Spot check texts occasionally. Who’s the problem friend? Where is the alcohol coming from and where are they drinking? Limit exposure to those people/places.
Honestly, her meds and addiction history are likely not going to mean anything to her. She just isn’t going to care. But talking to her about how underage drinking can mess up her own future and career choices might be more impactful. Getting an MIP can have serious consequences years down the road. She is also at the age when you have to start thinking about driving. Both her driving and riding in the car with others. I would tell her she will not be taking drivers training or getting license if caught drinking between now and when she becomes eligible. |
Anonymous
| My friends and I drank a lot in 9th grade. I’m not sure why. Some of us got over it and scaled back, and a few of us became lushes. |