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[quote=Anonymous]I also have alcohol and substance abuse in my family, my parent died from it. My DD is also ADHD and has anxiety, so I can relate on that level too. When my DD started drinking I was VERY triggered for obvious reasons. That being said, I decided quickly we needed open line of communication regarding drinking/drugs. They are going to find a way no matter what you take away from them. They are going to test limits just like we did as kids. Our past trauma does not reflect on the current situation BUT it can inform us.

The first time we caught her with alcohol (a can in her room) freshman year we did not ground her. e.g. What does taking a computer away have to do with drinking alcohol? Instead we had many discussions about the consequences of 
- inhibitions/consent/SA
- drinking on school property leading to impacts to her future/college admissions (she didn't do this but its common at our HS football games)
- not driving with anyone even after 1 drink, reaffirming we would drive her anywhere anytime and gave her a teen uber account

The only "punishment" was that there would be no sleepovers because thats how they get away with these things easier, and I would be the one picking her up on weekend nights for a period of time to get an eye on her.

Then Junior year there was a huge party and one of her friends was dangerously intoxicated. No one in the friend group wanted to call the mother because she was the punitive type, giving harsh punishments that did not match the "crime". She is a yeller and they were scared of her. They called me. I considered that a "win" in our approach. My DD did what I asked her to- she called me when she needed help.  I got there as soon as I could, made sure the friend didn't need medical attention and of course called the mother. My DD had been drinking too but I did not punish her. She did the right thing, even when doing something wrong (underage drinking).  Do I want her to drink? NO! Do I want her learning these lessons on her own at college, NO! Its a hard balance...

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