Worried

[Anonymous]

My 24 year old daughter is recently engaged to a very nice young man (28). He’s finished law school, seems responsible, and his parents are great—so in many ways I feel lucky about who she’s chosen.

That said, I have a concern I can’t quite shake, and I’m wondering if I’m overthinking it. For years—really since she was a teenager—I’ve tried to encourage her to get a job, but she never has. She’s very stubborn and has just never been interested in working.

She does have skills and abilities, so it’s not that I think she can’t work. I’m just worried that she’s never actually had to support herself or build any kind of independence, and she doesn’t seem to have a backup plan. I’m especially worried about her financial independence and what would happen down the line if she doesn’t have anything to fall back on.

While her fiancé seems like a solid partner, life is unpredictable, and I can’t help but think about what could happen if circumstances changed.

I don’t want to come across as negative or make her feel less than, especially during an exciting time in her life. I just feel uneasy and want her to have some level of independence and security.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? Did you say something, or let it go?

Thanks for any perspective.

[Anonymous]

What has she been doing since college?

[Anonymous]

A prenup.

[Anonymous]

What does she do?

[Anonymous]

Well that is quite concerning whether she is getting married or not. It’s not like she can’t get a job now. Why doesn’t she want to work to support herself?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she is working.

[Anonymous]

Is she not working? Yes this is a big problem. but it will be an issue no matter who she marries.

[Anonymous]

She must be very pretty.

[Anonymous]

She’s not working right now, but she does stay busy. She has a lot of hobbies and interests she’s really engaged in, and she’s involved in community volunteering and local events. She’s definitely not just sitting around—she just hasn’t pursued a traditional job path, which is where my concern about long-term independence comes in. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s not working right now, but she does stay busy. She has a lot of hobbies and interests she’s really engaged in, and she’s involved in community volunteering and local events. She’s definitely not just sitting around—she just hasn’t pursued a traditional job path, which is where my concern about long-term independence comes in. -OP

Have you been funding her hobbies and lifestyle? That’s odd to me that suddenly now you’re worried, but you have been enabling her this whole time?

[Anonymous]

Yes you should be worried, but you can help her make a plan.

-Career path, even if partially employed, something she can go full time if needed later.

-Separate savings not commingled with his finances. She and you can contribute to over the years. Hopefully you both have a trusting enough relationship that it can be in your name only, so it can't be traced to her.

I know the above sounds extreme, but it is very dangerous to be under/unemployed on a marriage. My mom did this for me and even on a small scale (40k) it made a big difference when my 20 yr marriage went south from his financial shenanigans.

[Anonymous]

So you set up a trust for her, to be used for health-education-medical, and it’s only for her. Tell her it’s her emergency fund and not to be used unless needed.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess. She’s fully independent but you pay all her bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes you should be worried, but you can help her make a plan.

-Career path, even if partially employed, something she can go full time if needed later.

-Separate savings not commingled with his finances. She and you can contribute to over the years. Hopefully you both have a trusting enough relationship that it can be in your name only, so it can't be traced to her.

I know the above sounds extreme, but it is very dangerous to be under/unemployed on a marriage. My mom did this for me and even on a small scale (40k) it made a big difference when my 20 yr marriage went south from his financial shenanigans.

+1

[Anonymous]

Who pays her bills? You?