Mom expects us to financially support her after decades of unforced terrible decisions

[Anonymous]

My mom is 70 and is allergic to not spending every single dollar that she comes into possession of. After a series of appalling decisions, she has no money, no place to live, and has failed to secure a LT partner after she dumped my dad. Now she wants her children to take care of her financially and I absolutely do not want any part in it. My siblings are also at their wits end. How can we deal with this without her destroying all of us?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 70 and is allergic to not spending every single dollar that she comes into possession of. After a series of appalling decisions, she has no money, no place to live, and has failed to secure a LT partner after she dumped my dad. Now she wants her children to take care of her financially and I absolutely do not want any part in it. My siblings are also at their wits end. How can we deal with this without her destroying all of us?

You say no and refuse. You connect her to a social worker who will get her on lists for low income housing for seniors. It’s hard but she will burn through whatever you provide to her and end up in the same position.

[Anonymous]

Say no. Consequences have choices. Pray she finds another dude.

[Anonymous]

She has no control over it. You can try to help a sick person or you can stay out.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother had the bright idea of sueing her children for financial support, after losing her significant wealth to scammy lawyers and hangers-on after her husband's early death. She had never once helped her children out financially after they turned 18, except her one and only son, who was bailed out multiple times in his life. The daughters were left to fend for themselves. My mother, as a young adult living on her own, was dirt poor.

My mother and her siblings ended up selling my Grandma's luxury apartment in Switzerland, with all its valuable antiques, and used the proceeds to set her up in a much smaller apartment, furnished modestly, in a less expensive area. Everyone pooled their money to pay for an aide, because my Grandma had never set foot in a kitchen in her life, and didn't know the first thing about feeding herself.

All the finances were controlled by the siblings, not my Grandma.

You don't need to go that far, OP. Maybe start by contacting senior services in her area and ask what they can do for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 70 and is allergic to not spending every single dollar that she comes into possession of. After a series of appalling decisions, she has no money, no place to live, and has failed to secure a LT partner after she dumped my dad. Now she wants her children to take care of her financially and I absolutely do not want any part in it. My siblings are also at their wits end. How can we deal with this without her destroying all of us?

You say no and refuse. You connect her to a social worker who will get her on lists for low income housing for seniors. It’s hard but she will burn through whatever you provide to her and end up in the same position.

This. If you can afford it, you can pay the rent (directly) so she won’t be homeless and the everything else is up to her.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar situation and no longer will provide funds. All of my holiday gifts are grocery cards and things like toilet paper and laundry soap. Your mom presumably gets social security and can apply for subsidized housing or get an apartment with a roommate in a low cost area.

[Anonymous]

I am a firm believer that financial support flows down the generations, not up. And for a senior who has made "unforced terrible decisions" there is absolutely no way I would give to them at the expense of giving to my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 70 and is allergic to not spending every single dollar that she comes into possession of. After a series of appalling decisions, she has no money, no place to live, and has failed to secure a LT partner after she dumped my dad. Now she wants her children to take care of her financially and I absolutely do not want any part in it. My siblings are also at their wits end. How can we deal with this without her destroying all of us?

You say no and refuse. You connect her to a social worker who will get her on lists for low income housing for seniors. It’s hard but she will burn through whatever you provide to her and end up in the same position.

This. If you can afford it, you can pay the rent (directly) so she won’t be homeless and the everything else is up to her.

+1

[Anonymous]

I would only support someone who fell on hard times, not of their own doing. And they’d better be the kindest old person ever. Just say no. She will still get social security and will have to just live on that. Maybe it means moving somewhere cheaper. Dhs relatives all live off social security and don’t have any issues in their low cost area.

[Anonymous]

She can move into senior housing.

[Anonymous]

As long as helping does not threaten your nuclear family in any way (your retirement, your children's college find), you help. Find a small, one story condo, one bedroom or studio, in a safe neighborhood, and get the mortgage in your name, give her a food allowance - set the funds up to auto transfer to her weekly or monthly and call it a day. Mom can take it or leave it, but you've done your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as helping does not threaten your nuclear family in any way (your retirement, your children's college find), you help. Find a small, one story condo, one bedroom or studio, in a safe neighborhood, and get the mortgage in your name, give her a food allowance - set the funds up to auto transfer to her weekly or monthly and call it a day. Mom can take it or leave it, but you've done your part.

If I were to do this, I would order the groceries, staples and toilet paper and dish soap myself so that there is no fkkery. Just have a recurring monthly order on Instacart to be delivered. Bath soap, toothpaste, paper towel, towels, toilet paper, and very basic grocery staples that might be shelf stable.

[Anonymous]

Why would you help? She’s an adult who has made poor decisions. You can also be an adult who makes poor decisions and give her $$ or you can set a healthy boundary and say NO.

[Anonymous]

Nope.
Can see my own mother pulling this w my three siblings who still put up w her.