Mom expects us to financially support her after decades of unforced terrible decisions

[Anonymous]

How is she 70 with no place to live? Where did she live last year? Does she have SS? Medicare or Medicaid? You don’t have the obligation to help her nor do your siblings. You do not have to sacrifice your livelihood or your future. You have your own families to think about and care for. Set her up with some kind of respectable living situation, assistance, Medicaid. And that’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 70 and is allergic to not spending every single dollar that she comes into possession of. After a series of appalling decisions, she has no money, no place to live, and has failed to secure a LT partner after she dumped my dad. Now she wants her children to take care of her financially and I absolutely do not want any part in it. My siblings are also at their wits end. How can we deal with this without her destroying all of us?

How was she otherwise as a parent?

Not great. And the further I get into parenthood, the more appalled I am at her. I really can’t forgive her for things she did, or find love for her. If this were my dad, I would move him in with me to help him, or help him in whatever way I could. But no way am I doing that with my mom.

To strangers and people who don’t know her well, she comes across as charming and fun. But she was completely different as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 70 and is allergic to not spending every single dollar that she comes into possession of. After a series of appalling decisions, she has no money, no place to live, and has failed to secure a LT partner after she dumped my dad. Now she wants her children to take care of her financially and I absolutely do not want any part in it. My siblings are also at their wits end. How can we deal with this without her destroying all of us?

How was she otherwise as a parent?

Not great. And the further I get into parenthood, the more appalled I am at her. I really can’t forgive her for things she did, or find love for her. If this were my dad, I would move him in with me to help him, or help him in whatever way I could. But no way am I doing that with my mom.

To strangers and people who don’t know her well, she comes across as charming and fun. But she was completely different as a parent.

Then this about your feeling about how your mom raised you and not about her financial decisions. In order to figure out what you are willing to do, it might help to see a therapist first a few sessions to help you parse through your feelings towards your mom (and perhaps how your dad played into that).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 70 and is allergic to not spending every single dollar that she comes into possession of. After a series of appalling decisions, she has no money, no place to live, and has failed to secure a LT partner after she dumped my dad. Now she wants her children to take care of her financially and I absolutely do not want any part in it. My siblings are also at their wits end. How can we deal with this without her destroying all of us?

How was she otherwise as a parent?

Not great. And the further I get into parenthood, the more appalled I am at her. I really can’t forgive her for things she did, or find love for her. If this were my dad, I would move him in with me to help him, or help him in whatever way I could. But no way am I doing that with my mom.

To strangers and people who don’t know her well, she comes across as charming and fun. But she was completely different as a parent.

Then this about your feeling about how your mom raised you and not about her financial decisions. In order to figure out what you are willing to do, it might help to see a therapist first a few sessions to help you parse through your feelings towards your mom (and perhaps how your dad played into that).

The two things are related. While showering praise and favors on “friends”, she expected me to be an independent, responsible adult and not ask for anything. My dad felt differently but was steamrolled for a long time. It may be one of the reasons they split. There is nothing to parse through in therapy. I have plenty of other meaningful relationships in my life and I don’t need to try and fix this one. But my siblings, whose relationships I value, are not aware of all of the things that transpired between my mom and I. Maybe I need to tell them.

[Anonymous]

My MIL tried to pull this. Once she knew in no uncertain terms there would be no bailouts she bashed them to everyone she knew and stopped talking to them and she also stopped spending so much.