Mom expects us to financially support her after decades of unforced terrible decisions

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm in a very similar boat. I don't know what else to add to this - it is very hard for me and SO to help in a major way as we have one DC going to college in another year and another a couple years later. I have been sending grocery gift cards and occasional small dollar amounts to help them get by.

All I can do is commiserate - it's not a great situation to be in, for sure. Very stressful on the kids of the irresponsible party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 70 and is allergic to not spending every single dollar that she comes into possession of. After a series of appalling decisions, she has no money, no place to live, and has failed to secure a LT partner after she dumped my dad. Now she wants her children to take care of her financially and I absolutely do not want any part in it. My siblings are also at their wits end. How can we deal with this without her destroying all of us?

Let her move in with you so that she can have rent taken care of.

[Anonymous]

If you can comfortably afford it, you help and pay the bills directly with minimal allowance to her. If you can’t afford it, you try to help navigate resources available to her (they’re getting more and more scarce), and collaborate with your siblings. Unless you truly feel ok throwing her to the wolves, those are your options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 70 and is allergic to not spending every single dollar that she comes into possession of. After a series of appalling decisions, she has no money, no place to live, and has failed to secure a LT partner after she dumped my dad. Now she wants her children to take care of her financially and I absolutely do not want any part in it. My siblings are also at their wits end. How can we deal with this without her destroying all of us?

You say no and refuse. You connect her to a social worker who will get her on lists for low income housing for seniors. It’s hard but she will burn through whatever you provide to her and end up in the same position.

What? Be serious. You should realize that some people might think you are giving legitimate advice and actually follow it rather than just talking out of your ass.

OP, you have no choice. OF COURSE you and your siblings have to help your mother. Seriously, what are the alternatives? Do you expect a 70 year old to learn a trade or do you want to run into your mom working at Trader Joe's or panhandling outside the metro? Be realistic. This is not a work of fiction, it's real life. You have to help her. The alternative is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can comfortably afford it, you help and pay the bills directly with minimal allowance to her. If you can’t afford it, you try to help navigate resources available to her (they’re getting more and more scarce), and collaborate with your siblings. Unless you truly feel ok throwing her to the wolves, those are your options.

+1 Thank you for being the voice of reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can comfortably afford it, you help and pay the bills directly with minimal allowance to her. If you can’t afford it, you try to help navigate resources available to her (they’re getting more and more scarce), and collaborate with your siblings. Unless you truly feel ok throwing her to the wolves, those are your options.

+1 Thank you for being the voice of reason.

+2, with the caveat that YOU pick the apartment to rent for her, or you give her options within a certain price range. My mom may be in the same situation as OP's mom, and I plan to support her in the safe but modest housing of my choice. It won't be the Ritz, that's for sure. We could afford to do more for her, but we won't. She blew through millions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 70 and is allergic to not spending every single dollar that she comes into possession of. After a series of appalling decisions, she has no money, no place to live, and has failed to secure a LT partner after she dumped my dad. Now she wants her children to take care of her financially and I absolutely do not want any part in it. My siblings are also at their wits end. How can we deal with this without her destroying all of us?

You say no and refuse. You connect her to a social worker who will get her on lists for low income housing for seniors. It’s hard but she will burn through whatever you provide to her and end up in the same position.

What? Be serious. You should realize that some people might think you are giving legitimate advice and actually follow it rather than just talking out of your ass.

OP, you have no choice. OF COURSE you and your siblings have to help your mother. Seriously, what are the alternatives? Do you expect a 70 year old to learn a trade or do you want to run into your mom working at Trader Joe's or panhandling outside the metro? Be realistic. This is not a work of fiction, it's real life. You have to help her. The alternative is ridiculous.

You be serious. Helping her find an affordable, safe place to live isn’t easy and would be incredibly helpful, both now and in the longterm.

You can’t give people like this money - they won’t use it on necessary items, so it’s like giving it to a black hole. You can love them and help them in other ways like finding resources, but it sounds like OP’s mom could drain Bill Gates dry and have nothing to show for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 70 and is allergic to not spending every single dollar that she comes into possession of. After a series of appalling decisions, she has no money, no place to live, and has failed to secure a LT partner after she dumped my dad. Now she wants her children to take care of her financially and I absolutely do not want any part in it. My siblings are also at their wits end. How can we deal with this without her destroying all of us?

You say no and refuse. You connect her to a social worker who will get her on lists for low income housing for seniors. It’s hard but she will burn through whatever you provide to her and end up in the same position.

What? Be serious. You should realize that some people might think you are giving legitimate advice and actually follow it rather than just talking out of your ass.

OP, you have no choice. OF COURSE you and your siblings have to help your mother. Seriously, what are the alternatives? Do you expect a 70 year old to learn a trade or do you want to run into your mom working at Trader Joe's or panhandling outside the metro? Be realistic. This is not a work of fiction, it's real life. You have to help her. The alternative is ridiculous.

You be serious. Helping her find an affordable, safe place to live isn’t easy and would be incredibly helpful, both now and in the longterm.

You can’t give people like this money - they won’t use it on necessary items, so it’s like giving it to a black hole. You can love them and help them in other ways like finding resources, but it sounds like OP’s mom could drain Bill Gates dry and have nothing to show for it.

+1. Would you give an addict dope? It's the same thing. Wasteful spending and shopping is is usually an addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 70 and is allergic to not spending every single dollar that she comes into possession of. After a series of appalling decisions, she has no money, no place to live, and has failed to secure a LT partner after she dumped my dad. Now she wants her children to take care of her financially and I absolutely do not want any part in it. My siblings are also at their wits end. How can we deal with this without her destroying all of us?

So what is her current situation at the moment? Where does she live? How is she eating?

What is her specific ask of you and your siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 70 and is allergic to not spending every single dollar that she comes into possession of. After a series of appalling decisions, she has no money, no place to live, and has failed to secure a LT partner after she dumped my dad. Now she wants her children to take care of her financially and I absolutely do not want any part in it. My siblings are also at their wits end. How can we deal with this without her destroying all of us?

How was she otherwise as a parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 70 and is allergic to not spending every single dollar that she comes into possession of. After a series of appalling decisions, she has no money, no place to live, and has failed to secure a LT partner after she dumped my dad. Now she wants her children to take care of her financially and I absolutely do not want any part in it. My siblings are also at their wits end. How can we deal with this without her destroying all of us?

You say no and refuse. You connect her to a social worker who will get her on lists for low income housing for seniors. It’s hard but she will burn through whatever you provide to her and end up in the same position.

What? Be serious. You should realize that some people might think you are giving legitimate advice and actually follow it rather than just talking out of your ass.

OP, you have no choice. OF COURSE you and your siblings have to help your mother. Seriously, what are the alternatives? Do you expect a 70 year old to learn a trade or do you want to run into your mom working at Trader Joe's or panhandling outside the metro? Be realistic. This is not a work of fiction, it's real life. You have to help her. The alternative is ridiculous.

Why shouldn't a 70 year old take a job at Trader Joe's if they're healthy? I see plenty of older people working at TJ's, Costco, and other places. OP doesn't say if Mom is healthy or not, but has she even considered a job? Has she ever had a job? Seventy is not dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 70 and is allergic to not spending every single dollar that she comes into possession of. After a series of appalling decisions, she has no money, no place to live, and has failed to secure a LT partner after she dumped my dad. Now she wants her children to take care of her financially and I absolutely do not want any part in it. My siblings are also at their wits end. How can we deal with this without her destroying all of us?

You say no and refuse. You connect her to a social worker who will get her on lists for low income housing for seniors. It’s hard but she will burn through whatever you provide to her and end up in the same position.

What? Be serious. You should realize that some people might think you are giving legitimate advice and actually follow it rather than just talking out of your ass.

OP, you have no choice. OF COURSE you and your siblings have to help your mother. Seriously, what are the alternatives? Do you expect a 70 year old to learn a trade or do you want to run into your mom working at Trader Joe's or panhandling outside the metro? Be realistic. This is not a work of fiction, it's real life. You have to help her. The alternative is ridiculous.

You be serious. Helping her find an affordable, safe place to live isn’t easy and would be incredibly helpful, both now and in the longterm.

You can’t give people like this money - they won’t use it on necessary items, so it’s like giving it to a black hole. You can love them and help them in other ways like finding resources, but it sounds like OP’s mom could drain Bill Gates dry and have nothing to show for it.

+1 And OP absolutely has the choice to help or not help at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 70 and is allergic to not spending every single dollar that she comes into possession of. After a series of appalling decisions, she has no money, no place to live, and has failed to secure a LT partner after she dumped my dad. Now she wants her children to take care of her financially and I absolutely do not want any part in it. My siblings are also at their wits end. How can we deal with this without her destroying all of us?

You say no and refuse. You connect her to a social worker who will get her on lists for low income housing for seniors. It’s hard but she will burn through whatever you provide to her and end up in the same position.

What? Be serious. You should realize that some people might think you are giving legitimate advice and actually follow it rather than just talking out of your ass.

OP, you have no choice. OF COURSE you and your siblings have to help your mother. Seriously, what are the alternatives? Do you expect a 70 year old to learn a trade or do you want to run into your mom working at Trader Joe's or panhandling outside the metro? Be realistic. This is not a work of fiction, it's real life. You have to help her. The alternative is ridiculous.

This tells me you don't know what the heck you're talking about.

[Anonymous]

What does she spend the money you have given her on?

Its ok not to feed bad habits like gambling or pyramid schemes. Its ok to say no, you won't be a bad person. Try to see your situation from an outside perspective and how would you advise that person in your place.

[Anonymous]

I’m confused. Are you blaming her for dumping her husband? And for not finding another man to take care of her? Was the money spent on lawyers? How does she not have a place to live? Where was she living before? If you don’t want to help her, that’s on you but don’t put the lady down. She is still your mother.