guilt-tripped at moving away from elderly parent

[Anonymous]

We aren't quite retired yet but I like to dream about where we might go. Mom, who lives alone at this point, has explicitly told us she doesn't want us to move as long as she's alive ("not allowed" is how she put it) because she'll need our help at some point. She says she intends to leave her house feet first, so I don't think she would want to uproot herself. If you moved away from a parent, how's it going?

[Anonymous]

I sympathize with both points of view, if adult children move just when their parent might start needing some help.

I moved far away, across the Atlantic, in my early 20s, when my parents were fit and healthy and it didn't seem like such an abandonment. Indeed, my father had moved the same distance from his parents in his early 20s. Now my parents are frail and my father is seriously ill, but there's no expectation I will move back. I made my life here. They accept that.

If your move is set in stone, you have to try to sell your mother on nursing homes, if she can afford one. If you can just persuade her to join some tours of local ones, she might realize that they're actually not as bad she envisions...
My MIL also swore never to leave her home, but she can afford round the clock care in her own home, with two adult kids who are local enough to visit regularly, and the nursing homes in her area are pretty rough.

Likewise, if you mother can afford at-home care and you can agree to a set number of visits per year... maybe that can work.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. What if a move is just a tantalizing dream but not yet reality? I'm curious to hear from people who went ahead with it despite leaving elderly parents as well as those who never left (and maybe regretted it).

[Anonymous]

How old is your mom? How old are you? How financially stable/set are each of you?

[Anonymous]

Stop mentioning this her. You don’t have a plan at all. Stop stressing her out with your fairy tale. If you want to do this, you make a plan and tell her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your mom? How old are you? How financially stable/set are each of you?

Late 50s and early 80s, respectively. Pretty financially set, so flights wouldn't be a problem. I'm just grappling with expectations.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t care if they spend every dime they have on expensive nursing homes, move away now. Caring for elderly parents is grueling work with no compensation and no appreciation. My siblings got away and I did not. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I would never put this on my kids, but I wonder if I actually will when I get old and unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

What about a second/vacation homestead of moving?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. What if a move is just a tantalizing dream but not yet reality? I'm curious to hear from people who went ahead with it despite leaving elderly parents as well as those who never left (and maybe regretted it).

If it's a tantalizing dream, I would not talk about it. Like PP said, you might be stressing your mother out for nothing. Once you start making concrete plans, then there will be plenty of time to break the news. And THEN, she might be amenable to going into a home, when she sees the writing on the wall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop mentioning this her. You don’t have a plan at all. Stop stressing her out with your fairy tale. If you want to do this, you make a plan and tell her.

This. It's cruel to tell her you want to move when it is only just a dream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I would never put this on my kids, but I wonder if I actually will when I get old and unreasonable.

I've seen this with my parents and in laws. All the things they swear they will never do regarding aging looks very different when they are faced with the realities of end of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t care if they spend every dime they have on expensive nursing homes, move away now. Caring for elderly parents is grueling work with no compensation and no appreciation. My siblings got away and I did not. It sucks.

My eldest brother has my mom living with him. Both are financially well-off. My middle brother and I are very aware what it means for my brother to be responsible for my mom. So, we take turns to come and stay with him and help him with his big projects. Thankfully, my brother has a daily cook, attendant for my mom, someone to clean the house, laundry services etc. My mom oversees the management of the staff. In the end, it all works out. You need to ask for help. Your elderly parents are everybody's responsibility - you all have to give labor, time, money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We aren't quite retired yet but I like to dream about where we might go. Mom, who lives alone at this point, has explicitly told us she doesn't want us to move as long as she's alive ("not allowed" is how she put it) because she'll need our help at some point. She says she intends to leave her house feet first, so I don't think she would want to uproot herself. If you moved away from a parent, how's it going?

You need to put systems in place that will allow your mom to live independently from now onwards. Do not wait for when you are going to go away. Do it now so that she becomes used to it.

1) Medical help - make sure that she is healthy and that she has muscle and bone strength. Gym membership and you take her. Her drs contact and medications.

2) Security around and in her house. CCTV. Ring camera. Daily ritual of connecting with her on facetime - once or twice a day. Know her friends and their address.

3) House remodelling for disability and old age

4) Getting to pay her bills online - jointly. You let her do it but you sit with her and monitor.

5) Get once in two weeks - house cleaning, lawn-care, haircuts, foot care.

6) Prevent online scams from happening, monitor credit.

7) Gentle decluttering and remove the hoarding.

8) Monthly potlucks at her house with all relatives and friends. It can be as simple as pizza. Keep her well socialized.

9) Hearing test and hearing aids. Eye test and correct glasses. The decline in these senses is the beginning of dementia.

10) Bundle her care with your own care. You get a pedicure, mom gets her pedicure. You go for your immunization, then take mom along for her immunization too. You get a haircut, mom also gets her haircut. Your lawn gets mowed, get the same person to mow your mom's lawn - and you do the payment (yes, you can use her money to pay for her home/yard care, but you do the payment).

11) Remove valuables and cash from her house.

[Anonymous]

OP, she doesn't get to decide for you. And it's supremely obnoxious that she thinks she's allowed to decide where to live and you are not allowed to decide where you are going to live