guilt-tripped at moving away from elderly parent
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Anonymous
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I agree that it is pointless to speculate now.
I understand your mother's point of view, but her insisting on staying in her house is unreasonable. The whole "carried out feet first" thing is fine, but expecting you to alter your life plans so she can stay in her house is not something a parent should require of her children. Not that that this helps your dilemma, OP . . . |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| Op, don’t stress. You will throw her under the bus. This is what happens IRL. |
Anonymous
+1 Your mom is not the audience for your dreams of moving away. If you actually decide to do it, then talk about it. |
Anonymous
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I don't think it is pointless to plan now and announce it to your parents.
OP's mom needs to plan now that there won't be a child at her beck and call and should be moving into an independent/assisted living /retirement type community now when she can enjoy it. |
Anonymous
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If she only had a year or 2 to live, then I might suggest you focus on sticking around, but I stayed and it has been many years, and the controlling behavior gets worse and, in my case, she became abusive so i had to outsource.
This is not her choice to make and it's not worth setting off unneeded dramatics even mentioning it to her again until it's carved in stone now that's it clear she will be controlling. You planted the seed. Once you are actually moving, you focus the conversation on getting supports in place for her for aging in place if she refuses to go into residential. She will need a case worker to check on her regularly and manage all care systems so you can simply fly back and check on things and not have to arrange care. There will be times you cannot fly back due to your own emergency or a national emergency. She needs a system in place relying on paid professionals, not taking advantage of the kindness of others. If she cannot afford professionals, I'd talk to APS and the council on aging on what supports can be put in place. |
Anonymous
| We bought a retirement house in Florida. My plan is to keep our house in MD at least until my mom passes. I will travel back and forth as needed. Her plan is to stay in her house until she dies. I know it is unrealistic. She can barely go up and down the stairs to do laundry. She can barely go up the two steps to get into her house. When I mention making her house more accessible it is always met with 'no, I don't think I will do that.' So, when she needs me round the clock, I will respond 'no, I don't think I will do that.' I am just waiting for a crisis to happen to force her hand. Not much else I can do. |
Anonymous
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You should have moved away long ago, honestly. It’s easier when they are relatively young and still tired from raising you so they don’t mind and sometimes don’t care.
I am happy I moved away and only had to get my dad when he got super old and he didn’t mind moving. You are going to have a problem OP. Good luck |
Anonymous
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I’m about to do this. I retire this week (63), husband is 64 and retired in December. Mom is 92 and moved into an independent living community in the DMV 5 years ago from out of state. She is extremely happy in her new place; I think it has and will continue to contribute her good health and mental state. She’s in excellent shape for 92 and could easily make it to 100 at this rate. We now own a house out of state (have been renting here all these years, bought out the heirs from my deceased FIL’s estate), and moving there is the dream. My husband’s health isn’t great… life is short… the DC vibes are bad… so we’re making the move.
Thankfully mom is supportive. She wants me to live my life, to be happy, and is excited for us about our house and new location. But I know she will miss me. We’ll do all we can to check in daily — she’s quite tech savvy for her age — and I’ll visit regularly. All these years I’ve been the hands-on sibling — my brother lives overseas, living his life — so he’s going to step up more. I also have a daughter in the area if there is indeed a crisis. She’ll hold the fort until I arrive (And yes, daughter is also supportive of our move.) Finally for those who are thinking “why not take her with us?” there is no comparable independent living community where we’re going that my mom could afford. Also, the region we’re moving to is so different from the east coast that it would be like moving to the moon. She did one move in her late 80s, but another one across the country would be bad on lots of levels. There is no right way to do this aging with aging parents thing, but we’re going for it. |
Anonymous
| I'm the OP and I'm excited for you! Also intrigued--can you say where you're headed? |
Anonymous
Southern Rockies. |
Anonymous
| Either way it’s time to have some real conversations with your mother about the future and how to plan for her increasing needs. |
Anonymous
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I did this. I was already about 1.5-2 hrs from my parents but we could still spend every holiday, birthday, and my dcs events together.
With remote work options, we moved 9-10 hrs away to our dream location that we were going to do at retirement- so about 10 years earlier. Now, almost 5 years later, we are moving back to be closer to my parents, and soon to be married ds. It’s not so much my parents issue but mine. I feel a lot of guilt and sadness that I am not there to help them when they need me most. No right answer. Just sharing my experience. |
Anonymous
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A lot depends on your relationship with your mom and her relationship with grandchildren, if any.
If you honestly want to see her, then move closer away and include her in some vacations. If you will breathe easy without seeing her, then move far and rely on others to care for her ($$) and plan on being with her for major life events, like her birthday and favorite holidays. |
Anonymous
+1 including life extending surgeries in mid 80s with anesthesia risks of not emerging as the same person and a different end of life path. I hope I can see clearly at that age but I wonder. |