Do you visit the graves of your deceased loved ones? Why or why not?

[Anonymous]

Both sets of grandparents, my parents, and my older sister are deceased. When my mother died 11 years ago, I went to her grave and put down flowers the first year on her birthday, Mother's Day, and Christmas more because it seemed customary, and I didn't really know what to do; it was new.

I loved her dearly, but never felt anything at the grave, and talking to her felt pointless. I made the Christmas visit my last. My dad passed two years ago, and they are buried together, along with my sister. I don't feel any draw to visit because they aren't "there."

After my dad’s passing, I took all of their houseplants and have devoted a lot of effort to caring for them. This is how I choose to honor their memory: by nurturing something living.

I have relatives who frequently visit graves, and I've noticed that their grief seems to linger. I'm not sure if this is connected, but I can't help but wonder how others approach grave visits and what benefits they derive from them. Also, if you go, how long do you plan to continue?

[Anonymous]

We are Muslims and religiously we are encouraged to go to graves of our loved ones to pray for their eternal peace and forgiveness of their sins, as well as to be reminded of life's temporary nature and absurdity of materialism.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I feel peaceful in cemeteries and distressed in estate sales. They highlight life's fragility and materialism's absurdity rather well for me.

[Anonymous]

No. My loved ones are not there. My sister loves to visit our parent’s graves and I understand her thoughts.

[Anonymous]

No. I used to go as a child with my mother. We would take flowers, especially at holidays. I don’t do it now. I’d be doing it alone, not as a family ritual. I try to honor my deceased ancestors and relatives in other ways. I have pictures out at home, and often put flowers by the pictures.

[Anonymous]

Nope. They aren’t there. I also don’t really make anything of the day they died. It is the least consequential day of their existence. I don’t keep track of how long they’ve been gone either. I remember them on their birthdays, the day they were given to the world, and how long they were here and the wonderful moments we shared.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Seems very anachronistic. Should cremate everyone

[Anonymous]

No. I don't understand the point. Going to the place where they're decomposing is of no comfort or interest to me.

[Anonymous]

I'm not anywhere near my loved ones graves so it seems like a moot point. I did visit my Grandparents when we were near them but mostly because I had not seen where they were laid to rest. They are in a very lovely spot.

I did visit a friend that died young too. I had a hard time with that one because I thought she'd want her asked all over the world instead, but they were very Catholic and it makes her Mom happy which is all that matters.

I, personally, don't want to be buried. But I think it's a nice idea to have a bench or a tree that's your memorial. So I'd rather have that than a grave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. They aren’t there. I also don’t really make anything of the day they died. It is the least consequential day of their existence. I don’t keep track of how long they’ve been gone either. I remember them on their birthdays, the day they were given to the world, and how long they were here and the wonderful moments we shared.

At a certain point, highlighting birthdays seems unnecessary as well. For example, my grandmother died many years ago, but I have a cousin who goes out of her way to flag her birthday each year, sending group chat messages like, "Did you guys forget what today is?" Granny would've been 187!" "Let's all wish her a happy 187th heavenly birthday!"

[Anonymous]

No, never. I find graveyards creepy. I prefer to look through old photos, and I feel like in certain ways my loved ones send me signals that they are with me and I even talk to them in my head on a walk at a garden, but never at their grave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. They aren’t there. I also don’t really make anything of the day they died. It is the least consequential day of their existence. I don’t keep track of how long they’ve been gone either. I remember them on their birthdays, the day they were given to the world, and how long they were here and the wonderful moments we shared.

At a certain point, highlighting birthdays seems unnecessary as well. For example, my grandmother died many years ago, but I have a cousin who goes out of her way to flag her birthday each year, sending group chat messages like, "Did you guys forget what today is?" Granny would've been 187!" "Let's all wish her a happy 187th heavenly birthday!"

True! I hate the heavenly birthday thing. It’s so juvenile.

[Anonymous]

No. They're in NY, and I'm in California. But even when I lived in NY, it wasn't something we'd do. We'd just see their graves when we were at the cemetery for someone else who'd recently died and were having a funeral.

[Anonymous]

I'm middle-aged and got into genealogy during the pandemic.

As a result of this, plus travel that brought me nearby, my nuclear family and I visited the graves of my maternal grandparents for the first and perhaps last time.

I also visited my paternal grandparents who are buried somewhere I had visited a lot as a child and may return to.

I also visited a graveyard where one set of great-grandparents are located.

My father-in-law used to own the cemetery where he is buried. I haven't been back since he was buried. My MIL maintains it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. They aren’t there. I also don’t really make anything of the day they died. It is the least consequential day of their existence. I don’t keep track of how long they’ve been gone either. I remember them on their birthdays, the day they were given to the world, and how long they were here and the wonderful moments we shared.

At a certain point, highlighting birthdays seems unnecessary as well. For example, my grandmother died many years ago, but I have a cousin who goes out of her way to flag her birthday each year, sending group chat messages like, "Did you guys forget what today is?" Granny would've been 187!" "Let's all wish her a happy 187th heavenly birthday!"

Your second death is the day you are forgotten.