Do you visit the graves of your deceased loved ones? Why or why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Green burial should be the way but graves shouldn't be assigned forever, just recycle them every 5 years as without casket, that's how ling it takes for a body to fully decompose. With casket it can take 10-15 years.

In Switzerland they recycle them after 50 years I think — that seems reasonable since most of the people who truly loved you will be gone after 50 in most cases. I don’t know if they make exceptions for things like child deaths—that would also make sense.

[Anonymous]

No, because none of them have graves. Everyone—grandparents and parents were cremated.

[Anonymous]

No but I feel bad about it. Growing up we went annually but it is in a town where I don’t have relatives and it isn’t convenient to anyplace I would go. My teen is actually looking at a college in that town and I am a like psyched that I would be able to go and visit the grave. It was important to my grandmother (old school Irish — they really care about this stuff), so I’d like to kneel and say an ave there to her. (And plant some mums).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Seems very anachronistic. Should cremate everyone

Agree. I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered in the ocean. I don't even think I want a funeral.

My parents are still alive but DHs are not. We have not visited their graves unless there is a family funeral in the same cemetery. One set of grandparents are buried in Fairfax but last time I was at a funeral there I couldn't find their gravesite, and didn't try very hard. My other grandparents are buried at West Point and not even sure we could get on site if we wanted to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Green burial should be the way but graves shouldn't be assigned forever, just recycle them every 5 years as without casket, that's how ling it takes for a body to fully decompose. With casket it can take 10-15 years.

In Switzerland they recycle them after 50 years I think — that seems reasonable since most of the people who truly loved you will be gone after 50 in most cases. I don’t know if they make exceptions for things like child deaths—that would also make sense.

What does recycle mean in this context? Do they disturb the dead/excavate?

[Anonymous]

No, I’m not a grave watcher

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Green burial should be the way but graves shouldn't be assigned forever, just recycle them every 5 years as without casket, that's how ling it takes for a body to fully decompose. With casket it can take 10-15 years.

In Switzerland they recycle them after 50 years I think — that seems reasonable since most of the people who truly loved you will be gone after 50 in most cases. I don’t know if they make exceptions for things like child deaths—that would also make sense.

What does recycle mean in this context? Do they disturb the dead/excavate?

In much of Europe, graves are a sort of renewable long term lease. When no one is left who cares to renew it, the remains go to an ossuary and someone else is buried in that grave.

[Anonymous]

I remember them. I don't visit graves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad died over 35 years ago. We probably went once a year for the first few years. My mom passed about 5 years ago and buried with him and I went regularly until the cemetery got dangerous. Her body is there so that’s why I go. I also like to be sure that the plot is still there and looks right since we paid for it.

So do what you want and don’t compare to others.

How did the cemetery become dangerous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. They’re not in their graves and I’m no closer to them at the cemetery than I am anywhere else. Plus, cemeteries are depressing. I don’t want to be reminded of death.

Why not? It's coming for us all one way or the other. Better to use knowledge of your impending death as motivation to make the most of each day than to bury your head in the sand, IMHO. Momento mori and all that.

To answer the OP, I don't live on the same coast as any of my family's graves anymore, so I don't visit them. However, I live near a graveyard in New England and I like walking through it. I find it very grounding to think of all the people who lived and died here before me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Green burial should be the way but graves shouldn't be assigned forever, just recycle them every 5 years as without casket, that's how ling it takes for a body to fully decompose. With casket it can take 10-15 years.

My parents are buried in a Catholic Cemetery and we own the plot. We literally paid for it and have a deed. My mom bought it in 1978 when died died and even then almost sold out. It sold out by 1985 for plots and now only urns in a building can be put there or if you have a plot already with room.

That cemetery Holy Rood Cemetery is across street Roosvelt Field in Long Island. It is even more jam packed than by Tysons. The cemetery is one of last green spaces left.

I think great use of space. I visit every few years if I have time when in NY.

[Anonymous]

I am not in the habit as none of my close relatives were buried in the US.

When I visit the country of my ancestors, I will stop by but I am not there that often. However, some relatives I never met such as certain grandparents are they died before I was born, it was more to stop by and wish I knew them better and pay respects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both sets of grandparents, my parents, and my older sister are deceased. When my mother died 11 years ago, I went to her grave and put down flowers the first year on her birthday, Mother's Day, and Christmas more because it seemed customary, and I didn't really know what to do; it was new.

I loved her dearly, but never felt anything at the grave, and talking to her felt pointless. I made the Christmas visit my last. My dad passed two years ago, and they are buried together, along with my sister. I don't feel any draw to visit because they aren't "there."

After my dad’s passing, I took all of their houseplants and have devoted a lot of effort to caring for them. This is how I choose to honor their memory: by nurturing something living.

I have relatives who frequently visit graves, and I've noticed that their grief seems to linger. I'm not sure if this is connected, but I can't help but wonder how others approach grave visits and what benefits they derive from them. Also, if you go, how long do you plan to continue?

No I don’t visit graves but I do keep photos of loved ones who have passed near my home altar.

[Anonymous]

We have a family graveyard that goes back about 6 generations now. It was important to my great grandparents and grandparents that whenever we were in town we would go visit. There are perennial flowers and on occasions like decoration day and Christmas all of the graves get a wreath.

There are benches and it is really pretty. For family members cremated or buried elsewhere there are plaques.

As a kid I enjoyed connecting great aunt whoever to her actual grave. It gave a nice sense of connection and continuity.

So even now when I’m in town to see family- we usually walk out to the cemetery. It’s a nice walk and it’s a good way to catch up on family news.

But I don’t feel guilt when I can’t go, and I am not creeped out by cemeteries.

[Anonymous]

We did one of those things where we put a bench with a plaque up in my grandmother's favorite park and to be honest I visit that more than her actual grave. We spent a lot of time in that park together, she would walk there every day in all sorts of weather.