Social Class Considerations

[Anonymous]

Do you consider the social class background of someone when you’re dating them?

I really wonder if a harmonious match can be made in a cross-class union. An UMC woman married to a LMC man? That wouldn’t end so well!

[Anonymous]

Don't put people in categories

[Anonymous]

This is dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you consider the social class background of someone when you’re dating them?

I really wonder if a harmonious match can be made in a cross-class union. An UMC woman married to a LMC man? That wouldn’t end so well!

It sounds like you already have a firm opinion and aren’t really wondering.

[Anonymous]

It really depends on the individuals and where they are in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Everything is a consideration, but you cant generalize - it really depends on the people. Where this match is most likely to have problems that aren’t obvious until it’s too late is kids, like if the UMC partner wants private school, golf lessons, SAT tutor, etc., and the LMC one thinks its a waste of money because they turned out fine without it. Money issues with parents too - go to the family forum for plenty of those stories.

[Anonymous]

That's like consideration #100. There are so many other things that cause problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's like consideration #100. There are so many other things that cause problems.

I disagree. If you’re looking for a life partner, and potentially someone to raise children with, there are *some* more important things than social class, but it’s not that far down the list. Social class is very intertwined with money, and all kinds of marriage stressors pop up around money. Lack of, spending priorities, lifestyle expectations, retirement goals, etiquette norms, family of origin expectations…

[Anonymous]

Family values and money priorities usually come from one's upbringing and experience. So it's a consideration but not the only one.

[Anonymous]

Do you both like/appreciate/wear hats? Old hats, new hats, borrowed hats, whatever hats. Now make it work!

[Anonymous]

I come from an UMC background. My DH is from another country. His parents come from working class backgrounds and were the first of their families to get formal education. They had decent and stable government jobs in their country but never had much money. DH got a scholarship to come to the US for college which is where we met. His family’s lack of resources was not a consideration. They are good people with solid values. It helps that my family is also not into status symbols. We’ve been very happy together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you consider the social class background of someone when you’re dating them?

I really wonder if a harmonious match can be made in a cross-class union. An UMC woman married to a LMC man? That wouldn’t end so well!

I guess JD and Usha are making it work.

[Anonymous]

Methinks the Lady of the Manor is considering having relations with the yardman again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you consider the social class background of someone when you’re dating them?

I really wonder if a harmonious match can be made in a cross-class union. An UMC woman married to a LMC man? That wouldn’t end so well!

Don't do it. I married what I thought was a striver from a LMC background. I thought we'd have similar values since we were both white collar professionals and he claimed to want better than he had been shown growing up. Well, I learned that people revert to their hardwired upbringing regardless of what they profess.

The class envy and gnawing insecurities over what others have, the refusal to live within his means, the inability to value skills-building activities over consumerism (he'd fight me to the death over weekend language classes for the kids, but thought nothing of dropping $10k we didn't have on a three-day Disney trip), the pound foolish mentality (refused to buy higher quality clothes that fit well and lasted a long time and thought he was saving by buying cheaper clothes that he would then pay a fortune to have tailored only for them not to last more than a few months)...all of it was so tiring and ruinous.

I left the marriage a lot poorer but finally understood why my parents' "elitism" was actually just wisdom. The values that different SES families pass on truly are VERY different and they do explain why some people will never get ahead. My younger "progressive" self didn't see that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everything is a consideration, but you cant generalize - it really depends on the people. Where this match is most likely to have problems that aren’t obvious until it’s too late is kids, like if the UMC partner wants private school, golf lessons, SAT tutor, etc., and the LMC one thinks its a waste of money because they turned out fine without it. Money issues with parents too - go to the family forum for plenty of those stories.

All of this. My ex-DH envies all the ways I have given our kids a headstart in life. I don't think he realized just how early the upbringings of UMC kids diverge from that of LMC kids until he saw all the ways I strategize our kids' success. It's really weird how resentful he gets about it. Almost as if he doesn't want the kids to do better than him on a very deep level that he denies to himself. I think even the sincere desire to have your kids do better and the willingness to work to ensure that (not just vaguely hope for it) also differs among the classes.