Social Class Considerations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's like consideration #100. There are so many other things that cause problems.

I disagree. If you’re looking for a life partner, and potentially someone to raise children with, there are *some* more important things than social class, but it’s not that far down the list. Social class is very intertwined with money, and all kinds of marriage stressors pop up around money. Lack of, spending priorities, lifestyle expectations, retirement goals, etiquette norms, family of origin expectations…

My husband and I have all of these issues, but if I tell you our class backgrounds, you’d never guess which is which. I come from a blue color union family; my parents were and are extremely prudent with money, always lived within their means and placed a high priority on education. My husband is a son of a college professor and a book editor, and he hen don’t believe in talking about money - you spend and then figure it out later, because YOLO and all achievements are measured in spending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything is a consideration, but you cant generalize - it really depends on the people. Where this match is most likely to have problems that aren’t obvious until it’s too late is kids, like if the UMC partner wants private school, golf lessons, SAT tutor, etc., and the LMC one thinks its a waste of money because they turned out fine without it. Money issues with parents too - go to the family forum for plenty of those stories.

All of this. My ex-DH envies all the ways I have given our kids a headstart in life. I don't think he realized just how early the upbringings of UMC kids diverge from that of LMC kids until he saw all the ways I strategize our kids' success. It's really weird how resentful he gets about it. Almost as if he doesn't want the kids to do better than him on a very deep level that he denies to himself. I think even the sincere desire to have your kids do better and the willingness to work to ensure that (not just vaguely hope for it) also differs among the classes.

This just made me vomit in my mouth

It’s TRUE though. Poster is correct and a good parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Methinks the Lady of the Manor is considering having relations with the yardman again.

No, it's the mother or sister who is concerned.

[Anonymous]

I honestly find this difference difficult when the woman is from a LMC background. In my circle of top earners (7 & 8 figure earning men-finance, BigLaw) the most successful ones are always married to woman who come from a professional background and have class. Some of them have had serious careers at one point, some of them not, but they always hailed from a family that did well. I notice at corporate events, the wives of men who hail from these backgrounds are extremely comfortable regardless of their own resume. They can speak to travel, real estate and various lifestyle chit chat with an ease that someone from a LMC could never be able to.
Women respect men who come from blue collar roots or LMC backgrounds, but not the other way.

[Anonymous]

I know one wealthy woman who married a blue collar worker. She inherited nothing, but they lived a love story until he died. One daughter went to boarding school mom. The other is an animal trainer. Boarding school daughter became wealthy herself. The family is very loving.

Another umc woman married a blue collar worker. Single daughter. Loving, happy family. By all accounts a very happy bedroom life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything is a consideration, but you cant generalize - it really depends on the people. Where this match is most likely to have problems that aren’t obvious until it’s too late is kids, like if the UMC partner wants private school, golf lessons, SAT tutor, etc., and the LMC one thinks its a waste of money because they turned out fine without it. Money issues with parents too - go to the family forum for plenty of those stories.

All of this. My ex-DH envies all the ways I have given our kids a headstart in life. I don't think he realized just how early the upbringings of UMC kids diverge from that of LMC kids until he saw all the ways I strategize our kids' success. It's really weird how resentful he gets about it. Almost as if he doesn't want the kids to do better than him on a very deep level that he denies to himself. I think even the sincere desire to have your kids do better and the willingness to work to ensure that (not just vaguely hope for it) also differs among the classes.

This just made me vomit in my mouth

It’s TRUE though. Poster is correct and a good parent.

YOU might think it's true. Of course I make decisions that I think are in my kids' best interests, including where they go to school, etc., but I would never, in a million years, say that I am strategizing their success. I think basic parenting requires that you teach kids about good sleep, hygiene, healthy eating, exercise, education, and pursuing interests. But if someone said the above to me in real life I would have zero interest in being friends with them. Sounds like some kind of SAHM BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you consider the social class background of someone when you’re dating them?

I really wonder if a harmonious match can be made in a cross-class union. An UMC woman married to a LMC man? That wouldn’t end so well!

It depends on people and circumstances but odds are always better for compatibility. Just like same age or education group tend to have better odds, similar financial background makes it easier. Obviously lots of similar backgrounds marriages fail or suffer so no guarantees, just improved odds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you consider the social class background of someone when you’re dating them?

I really wonder if a harmonious match can be made in a cross-class union. An UMC woman married to a LMC man? That wouldn’t end so well!

Elaborate. Do you mean, had UMC and LMC family background or UMC and LMC due to their own net-worth difference currently?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you consider the social class background of someone when you’re dating them?

I really wonder if a harmonious match can be made in a cross-class union. An UMC woman married to a LMC man? That wouldn’t end so well!

I guess JD and Usha are making it work.

Melania and DT also making it work. Obama and Michelle are also from different backgrounds.

[Anonymous]

It depends. Some people are always dragged down by problems of their LMC family members and that makes it complicated. They often have their own debt as well. Even if they are earning well, most of their income goes toward their debt and their birth family, they can't contribute much to new household.

[Anonymous]

If they themselves are also not earning well then basically you end up paying for their ddebt and obligations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything is a consideration, but you cant generalize - it really depends on the people. Where this match is most likely to have problems that aren’t obvious until it’s too late is kids, like if the UMC partner wants private school, golf lessons, SAT tutor, etc., and the LMC one thinks its a waste of money because they turned out fine without it. Money issues with parents too - go to the family forum for plenty of those stories.

All of this. My ex-DH envies all the ways I have given our kids a headstart in life. I don't think he realized just how early the upbringings of UMC kids diverge from that of LMC kids until he saw all the ways I strategize our kids' success. It's really weird how resentful he gets about it. Almost as if he doesn't want the kids to do better than him on a very deep level that he denies to himself. I think even the sincere desire to have your kids do better and the willingness to work to ensure that (not just vaguely hope for it) also differs among the classes.

This just made me vomit in my mouth

It’s TRUE though. Poster is correct and a good parent.

YOU might think it's true. Of course I make decisions that I think are in my kids' best interests, including where they go to school, etc., but I would never, in a million years, say that I am strategizing their success. I think basic parenting requires that you teach kids about good sleep, hygiene, healthy eating, exercise, education, and pursuing interests. But if someone said the above to me in real life I would have zero interest in being friends with them. Sounds like some kind of SAHM BS.

All smart and involved parents try to strategize for success of their children as best as they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything is a consideration, but you cant generalize - it really depends on the people. Where this match is most likely to have problems that aren’t obvious until it’s too late is kids, like if the UMC partner wants private school, golf lessons, SAT tutor, etc., and the LMC one thinks its a waste of money because they turned out fine without it. Money issues with parents too - go to the family forum for plenty of those stories.

All of this. My ex-DH envies all the ways I have given our kids a headstart in life. I don't think he realized just how early the upbringings of UMC kids diverge from that of LMC kids until he saw all the ways I strategize our kids' success. It's really weird how resentful he gets about it. Almost as if he doesn't want the kids to do better than him on a very deep level that he denies to himself. I think even the sincere desire to have your kids do better and the willingness to work to ensure that (not just vaguely hope for it) also differs among the classes.

This just made me vomit in my mouth

It’s TRUE though. Poster is correct and a good parent.

+1. We all strategize our kids futures on DCUM— big 3 or bust; travel sports; regional/national competitions in science, art, and music; colleges to apply to.

I’m curious why this comment made the pp vomit in their mouth.

[Anonymous]

Differences (such as personality, preferences, health, education, religion, and class) matter to some extent in relationships, but you're almost never going to match perfectly on all of them.

[Anonymous]

20 years ago I would have said that all of this discussion was classist and elitist and you should judge each person on their own merit. And now I've spent 20 years with a man who's family didn't graduate high school, save anything, or stay in a marriage for more than a few angry years. We have worked really hard to come to agreements on spending priorities, whether to send the kids to private school, savings goals, how to handle conflict without anger or threats to leave, etc. It would have been much easier to be with someone who had the same type of family to begin with and I hope my kids marry into a family with similar values.