How do you split responsibilities to take care of elders?

[Anonymous]

I am the oldest in my family, and I have 2 ES special need kids that are high functioning and high chance they could live independently. One younger brother is married and SIL is a stay home mom. They have a preschooler. SIL has an older brother. Another younger brother is single. I assume that we three kids (live in the same state) will split responsibilities financially when it comes to taking care of our parents when they cannot live independently. My parents are old school, and they do not speak any English.

For my DH, he has an older brother. He has a ES kid and SIL is the only child. Well, SIL has no choice but takes the responsibilities to take care of her parents when they are too old. My question is how about our MIL/FIL? DH is not in good relationship with MIL/FIL because they favor BIL the whole time. Do you think BIL will push the full or majority responsibility to ours because they have to take care of SIL parents?

Everyone we are talking about live in the same state, and all elders (3 sets of elders) are in late 60s/70s with Medicare living at their separate own house now.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Forgot to mention that my brother and his wife has been 50 percent helping out to care her mid 70s parents. They do not speak English and they could not drive. They also live in the same state. He is super busy and overwhelmed with one income and SIL does not drive at all. Her brother live nearby, but he does not help out much. All responsibilities are on his shoulders. That means I may have to share a bit more responsibility to take care of my parents.

[Anonymous]

So, who will qualify for Medicaid? Know it. "Helping' is dependent on knowing their finances, completely. If they are low on money, the most important thing will be that they eventually move to place that accepts Medicaid. They move where they can afford.

[Anonymous]

A lot of elderly won't need extensive help, so don't borrow trouble. None of my grandparents, nor DH's needed help until their last 6 months really. And all lived independently until the end. My 95 year old grandma just sold her sfh and moved into an apartment at an active adult community. We help deliver her groceries and doctors appts.

Our parents have plans for their future. Have you asked yours about their plans?

[Anonymous]

Maybe they're better off moving back as they don't speak English? It's much cheaper to age elsewhere, as they seem to have no money. Your assumptions mean nothing if you've never talked about it or had agreements.

[Anonymous]

Move far away leave no contact info.

[Anonymous]

I think you assume wrong with regard to your parents. You will be doing everything. Sorry and good luck. It’s killing me.

[Anonymous]

Op here. We are all Asians, so it is terrible if one day we have to send them to nursing home. When I say "take care", it means take them to move in our home or/and support them and pay bills financially.

My parents cannot speak English, and they do not have much savings. They are on medicare. I would say we three children get along really well, so there should be no issue when it comes down to spliting eldercare responsibilities physically or financially when they get too old. They already pay for funeral costs and life savings with us as beneficiaries.

MIL/FIL can speak English. MIL & BIL have marriage crisis, but they would never divorce. FIL has no savings, but MIL has some savings. Both are on medicare. It will come down to either or both BIL & DH to take both in or separate them to take them in. DH does not like them (not my fault), and I cannot imagine they live with us together. Our 2 kids are special needs which have been driving me nuts and crazy and DH is not helping me much on taking care of children. He has no problem support financially, but I hesitate on taking them in to live with us. MIL does not like me or my 2 children that much as well because my 2 kids are not well behaved compared to BIL's kid.

My SIL parents do not speak English, and they are on Medicaid and medicaid. They can drive. Her parents are not my problem, but BIL may have to share the responsibility to take care of them ultimately because his wife is the only child.

My younger brother's wife parents cannot speak English or drive, and they are on medicaid and Medicare. My younger brother has been taking care of them 50 percent by driving them to all appointments or errands etc on solo income. SIL cannot drive and not working. Her parents are not my problem.

[Anonymous]

My siblings and I will take care of our parents. We financially support my in-laws, but they live pretty far away, between a plane trip and a drive, it's at least 6 hours to get to them. He has 2 siblings there that don't offer any financial support, but they do appointments and other logistical tasks. I am totally disengaged from my in-laws' care. I've always viewed that as DH's thing. It's not like he's involved in my parents' care.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but how did they all end up here without speaking English? If you invited them on a dependent visa then yes, you'll be responsible for whatever comes. I'm surprised they all qualify for social programs.

[Anonymous]

Your children come first. You decide what you can do based on your children. Then you communicate with DH and get on the same page. Pull whatever you have to and get him on board. Then you meet with the respective families and you explain what you are able to do and you don’t budge from that.

You have special needs children who have a shot at independence. That absolutely must be your priority.

[Anonymous]

There is no cookie cutter answer for this and it’s unlikely that anyone involved will think how things are split is “fairly” (including your parents who will likely have expectations that far exceed what is reasonable).

Each child/nuclear family will decide how much (or how little) and how they help care your parents and in-laws.

Echo what others have said to making your help contingent on financial transparency (eg, if they are sitting on a load of cash they can hire some help and if they aren’t that gives you/them the opportunity to do some advanced planning and info gathering).

Have clear boundaries around what you can realistically handle that protects your health, your kids, and your own retirement.

When the time comes, have a real conversation with your siblings about what they are willing to do/contribute - and be prepared that what you think they should help with and what you expect are not going to be the same and vice versa. You can’t force anyone to help, but you can ask.

[Anonymous]

If your parents are poor and are eligible for Medicaid (I think you are confusing it with Medicare), you can even benefit from them. Get caregiving hrs from the state and get paid to “care” for them. Lots of spry Asian seniors whose kids get free money and do very little. Or they subcontract other Asians for cash to do all the heavy lifting like cleaning and cooking and keep the rest of the hrs for themselves. Not exclusively Asians but you get the point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, who will qualify for Medicaid? Know it. "Helping' is dependent on knowing their finances, completely. If they are low on money, the most important thing will be that they eventually move to place that accepts Medicaid. They move where they can afford.

This, its not fair to expect a sibling who isn't super wealthy to contribute as much as you are saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your parents are poor and are eligible for Medicaid (I think you are confusing it with Medicare), you can even benefit from them. Get caregiving hrs from the state and get paid to “care” for them. Lots of spry Asian seniors whose kids get free money and do very little. Or they subcontract other Asians for cash to do all the heavy lifting like cleaning and cooking and keep the rest of the hrs for themselves. Not exclusively Asians but you get the point

You sound racist.

Medicaid doesn’t just give anyone in-home support. You have to qualify based on an assessment by the state or its delegate. In most states it is a drawn out process and the bar to qualify (medically) is very high.

One of the few states that has a lower bar to qualify is California. If your experience is based on living in California, it’s not like that in almost any other state.