How do you split responsibilities to take care of elders?

[Anonymous]

We are all Asians, so it is terrible if one day we have to send them to nursing home

We can't help you if all you want to do is throw up your hands and say nothing can be done

First of all, you would need to start educating yourself. There are different levels of care and I bet you are using the term nursing home because you don't know.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need to plan to take them in, especially if you’re the daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are listing out who has kids, who has what obligations as though we should come up with an equation you present of a person must do. One of my kids has SN and I recall falling into this mindset. I could list for you all the things I have going on and then describe my siblings as having endless free time to take on more. It does not matter! In the end you figure out your limits and that is it.

You don't know what everyone truly has going on. You may not know who has a new cancer diagnosis or mental illness. There are endless things that go into the equation that you are not factoring so stick to your own boundaries and setting them and don't waste time feeling that a single person MUST do more than she/he is doing and all of that. Work with reality.

Nobody can dump it all on you and run without your consent. If the parents have money you figure out how to outsource. If they don't, you work with the council on aging to figure out what they can access. then you decide what you are willing to do as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are listing out who has kids, who has what obligations as though we should come up with an equation you present of a person must do. One of my kids has SN and I recall falling into this mindset. I could list for you all the things I have going on and then describe my siblings as having endless free time to take on more. It does not matter! In the end you figure out your limits and that is it.

You don't know what everyone truly has going on. You may not know who has a new cancer diagnosis or mental illness. There are endless things that go into the equation that you are not factoring so stick to your own boundaries and setting them and don't waste time feeling that a single person MUST do more than she/he is doing and all of that. Work with reality.

Nobody can dump it all on you and run without your consent. If the parents have money you figure out how to outsource. If they don't, you work with the council on aging to figure out what they can access. then you decide what you are willing to do as well.

Just wanted to add, is that OP saying you are Asians. I get it OP. My closest friends at work are Asian. They did the dutiful thing of paying for things for a while and there was no appreciation and endless manipulation. In one case they took the parent in and it caused marital issues. In 2 cases, the Asian parent got so fed up with not getting the royal treatment they felt they deserved that they went back to the home country to age and stopped speaking to their adult children.

[Anonymous]

“ I assume that we three kids (live in the same state) will split responsibilities financially when it comes to taking care of our parents when they cannot live independently”

Um, why do you assume this? That’s a big assumption. I would not count on that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they're better off moving back as they don't speak English? It's much cheaper to age elsewhere, as they seem to have no money. Your assumptions mean nothing if you've never talked about it or had agreements.

Not every culture has the mentality of snakes. People don't abandon parents or children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they're better off moving back as they don't speak English? It's much cheaper to age elsewhere, as they seem to have no money. Your assumptions mean nothing if you've never talked about it or had agreements.

Not every culture has the mentality of snakes. People don't abandon parents or children.

It looks like the OP and siblings got several sets of parents here to subsist on the taxpayer dime, none of them speaking English. Not sure what "culture" is that.