Reply to Is 48 too old for foster to adopt?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]You are not too old.
However, foster to adopt is rare. The goal is reunification. If you are interesting in helping a child needing a family it would be great of you to foster.[/quote]

This poster is correct---the goal is reunification. It  isn't clear whether you are really interested in helping foster a child or are just looking for a shortcut to having a third child closer in age to your own.   Also, and I speak as someone who adopted an older child, you are being VERY naive if you think that a child you adopt from foster care (assuming you could even do that) is going to "grow up in the family" with your bio kids in the way you are perhaps envisioning.   Your bio kids have over a decade in your family structure, tradition, expectations and patterning, as well as a genetic link to you.    A foster child will come to you with the patterns they have already experienced, which may be tremendously at odds with your own family structure.  (e.g. kids in crisis situations learn very early that lying is often much safer than honesty, they may have witnessed and experienced domestic violence and think that is normal), just to give examples).  A foster child will also come with lots of needs and appointments that will take up a lot of time (if you are doing it right).  I would urge you to very carefully consider the impact that might have on your bio kids as they are entering into ages which need a lot of parental oversight (yes, middle and HS are more independent but you need to be there for them in terms of listening and attention precisely because of the growing influence of peers and culture outside the family).  I want you to think about how your bio kids would feel watching a dysregulated child hurl curses (or objects) at their parents because those kinds of behaviors are not unusual with children who may have prenatal exposures and almost certainly will have experienced trauma.

If you really want to foster (as opposed to trying to get a third child via shortcut), then I would suggest waiting until your bio kids are in college and out of the house and you can really work on helping a child in foster care heal from trauma.

[/quote]

NP here. I am my parents only bio kid, and I am what the adoption space calls an adoptive sibling. My parents adopted when I was 7 and 12. Both of my siblings were young but not newborns when my parents adopted them. Both of my siblings were categorized as "healthy" when they were adopted, but over the years it quickly became clear that they each had severe problems (not their fault obviously, and this is actually very common) and they took ALL of my parents time, energy and resources and still do (even though all of us are in our 40s).

You need to be very educated on what adoption of any child does to not only the adopted child but also the adoptive siblings (the kids already there). Are you prepared for that? Are you being honest and fair to all the potential people involved?

This is an excellent discussion of a study on this topic. 
https://adoptioncouncil.org/publications/adoption-advocate-no-147/[/quote]

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