Reply to Is co parenting a woke male trap?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]No one can make you overcompensate for a lazy parent. it’s a choice. Divorce is better because you get free from the emotional abuse. You compartmentalize and do your best to raise your kids well on your time and let the rest go.

This is my approach and my kid is thriving. I also put my kid in therapy. She can process her dad’s laziness further when she’s an adult, but Mom will not be playing martyr. It’s unhealthy and sets a very poor example.[/quote]

I think it's really a case by case basis and what worked for you won't work for everyone. A woman who chooses not to get divorced is not agreeing to be a martyr, and I think most women who decide to stay in the marriage and make it work are doing EXACTLY what you are doing: compartmentalizing, doing their best to raise their kids, and letting the rest go.

I've forced more equality into our marriage as well. I don't just shoulder it all and suffer in silence. DH won't plan anything. Not for himself, not for the family, not for our DC. So I plan it all, but that means I make all the choices. If he complains, I tell him that he's welcome to plan himself. He never does. So I hold outsized power over decision making in our house, because I'm the one who executes everything. Early on I worked harder to incorporate him into choices, but when I realized how little initiative he would take, that changed. For the last decade, I mostly do what I want and he mostly goes alone with it. Is it equal? No. Is it the marriage I imagined for myself? Also no. Does it allow me a better lifestyle overall, because of the efficiencies of a two-income household, and is it conducive to a better relationship between DC and DH? Yes. So it's worth it for me. I am not powerless. I chose this for myself and am reasonably happy and feel I'm doing right by myself and my child.

There was definitely a juncture (well, realistically, many junctures) where this deal I made for myself might have headed towards martyrdom and misery. DH absolutely used to fight me on decision making, while expecting to sit back and do nothing because "you're better at planning" or "you'll just yell at me if I make mistakes" and it did feel manipulative and I felt very resentful. Those are the times we've been closest to divorce. I think being willing to walk out the door, and I was, helped me stand up for myself so I didn't get walked all over.

The interesting thing is that it became very obvious DH was much more afraid of divorce than I was. And that makes sense -- if you are inherently lazy and constantly shirking responsibility for everything, the idea of being on your own, having to parent alone and take care of your own household, must be terrifying. That doesn't scare me at all. The only part I don't like is the money part, what it means to separate our households. But just taking care of DC on my own, running my own house? I know I could do that and that in some ways it would be easier than what I do now. Realizing that divorce scared him and didn't scare me helped me find more agency in our marriage. I know what my best alternative to staying married is, and it's really not that bad. But I've always found a way to make it work while staying married. [/quote]

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