Give up learning heritage language or not
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Anonymous
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I and DH speak 95% English at home, and Mandarin Chinese is our 2nd or 3rd languages. Our ES Kids do not really understand or speak Mandarin Chinese. They are not really interested in the culture,language or food. Both sides of grandparents do not speak Mandarin Chinese, but they speak different Chinese dialects. I have been debating if I should be the one calling it to give up learning Mandarin Chinese. There is a Chinese communities nearby, and my kids are the only non-chinese speaking kids there.
If I want to give it the last try, I have to send them to Chinese language school on weekend or split them and pay for online 1:1 tutor. They have to give up some sports or skip scout meetings because their games & scout meetings are all over the place on weekends. I think DH speaks better Mandarin Chinese than I do, but DH cannot read or write. I can read or write, but I am terrible at pinyin and I have no patience. Is it bad if our kids just become Asian Americans who cannot speak or understand Mandarin Chinese & their heritage? I have mom guilt here. |
Anonymous
| Considering you can’t help strengthen the language learner in the home yourself, which is extremely helpful, I would drop it. |
Anonymous
Same, for this reason. |
Anonymous
| Why aren’t you teaching them the dialects spoken by their grandparents? |
Anonymous
| I am in a very similar spot and was just having this debate with myself for the nth time this morning. I can speak mandarin at about 1st grade level but DH does not. My parents speak mandarin but don't with the kids. Some days it makes me extremely sad that my kids do not speak any Chinese, and really have no culturally connection to my entire heritage, and I want to sign them up for classes immediately. But that means dragging them somewhere they don't want to go on weekends and giving up something else they do want to do. And at the end of the day, not even sure efforts would amount to much since we don't speak Chinese at home. No answers, just commiserating. |
Anonymous
It's natural to feel guilt. To decide what to do though, you need to put the guilt aside and see the situation clearly. What would it take for you to ensure your kids learn your heritage language? Do you want them to be fluent? What would that involve? Can you commit to it? Try to look at this objectively and see what you can do. It may be that you cannot do it, but that doesn't mean you can't expose your kids to your heritage in other ways. And you never know what might happen...my husband (who is not Chinese) fell in love with Mandarin in college, became fluent, and lived in China for years afterward. All to say, it's a difficult language to learn, but not impossible, especially if you love it. Your kids may fall in love with it themselves...you never know. |
Anonymous
| Why not try Duolingo if they have nanderin Chinese available? It's fun, free and and can be done anywhere and anytime? |
Anonymous
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Through some combination of events, we have one Chinese language speaker kid and one nonspeaker, in the same household. So far it has not really affected either kid's life that much. The nonspeaker kid will start taking Mandarin in high school.
The only thing I'll say is that it takes consistency and constant effort to maintain language skills, it's something that can disappear right quick even despite years of effort, if you don't maintain it. Honestly? I wished that the grandparents would be more involved with Mandarin (which they do speak, though their first language is another Chinese language), but they were not really involved, so I'm not sure you should shoulder all of that guilt, there is plenty of people to share it. 
Is there an opportunity to travel to your family's place of origin? I find that for my kids, it helps them to be from a specific place, rather than generically Asian American, even if they cannot communicate when we go there. |
Anonymous
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I am a first-generation immigrant and English is my second language. My child does not speak my language. He just wasn't interested at all.
When I go to visit family in another state where they have a huge community of people from my country, all of the kids speak and understand our native language. However, as soon as the parents leave the room, they start speaking English to each other. It does make me feel sad, but not enough to give up my weekends or to force him to do something he sees no value in doing. |
Anonymous
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I would argue if you're at the point of needing to go to school to learn it, it's not a heritage language anymore. The grandparents don't speak it, the parents don't speak it as a primary language, so it's not going to naturally be passed down to your kids.
The only concern would be that if they want to learn it later, it's better to have basic familiarity with the cadence and pronunciation, but they may have that already from their prior exposure. |
Anonymous
This!!! |
Anonymous
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Fluency requires immersion, which you can’t provide. They will need to engage fluently for the rest of their lives, and they cannot with you or any other relatives, and will likely not choose to engage with each other. The only benefit I could see is it being a potential positive depending on their chosen career, but otherwise, what’s the benefit? It seems like a sacrifice more than anything else (their interests and desires, family time, etc.)
Are there other ways you could encourage heritage that aren’t language-based? Food? Culture? Travel? I’d drop the guilt, give your kids the life and experience your parents moved here for you all to receive, and let it go! |
Anonymous
| I’m Chinese American and think this will inevitably happen to many kids, this generation and next. My daughter is learning another heritage language at school and is close to her Chinese grandparents, but she doesn’t know more than a few Chinese words. She is interested in the language and we will encourage her to take it once it’s available in school, but we don’t have any illusion about her becoming fluent just at home. It’s hard and there is definitely a loss. I feel you. |
Anonymous
| Read Crying in H Mart. Your children will be fine without the language aspect of their heritage. |
Anonymous
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Op here. My first language is cantonese, and it is more HARDER to learn compared to Mandarin Chinese. I grew up learning it without using phonics, but just pure memorization word by word onto my brain. What you read is not what you speak, and that is the hardest part of learning cantonese which I cannot even know how to explain.
First language for my parents are not even Cantonese or Mandarin Chinese. First language for my in-laws are also not Cantonese or Mandarin Chinese. First language for my DH is English, and he does not speak or understand Cantonese. My kids find it hard to learn Mandarin Chinese, and there is no way that they can learn Cantonese. |