Give up learning heritage language or not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a first-generation immigrant and English is my second language. My child does not speak my language. He just wasn't interested at all.

When I go to visit family in another state where they have a huge community of people from my country, all of the kids speak and understand our native language. However, as soon as the parents leave the room, they start speaking English to each other.

It does make me feel sad, but not enough to give up my weekends or to force him to do something he sees no value in doing.

Why are most people so vague about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I and DH do speak Mandarin Chinese if one do not judge our pronunciation and tone. Native chinese can tell that our Mandarin Chinese is not our first language, but it is good enough that they understand what we speak.

My parents, my in-laws and DH all expect me to be the one teaching our kids Mandarin Chinese because I am the mom and I can read and write even though my pronunciation in Mandarin Chinese is worse than my DH. It is a lot of work on me. I have tried to teach my kids simple chinese vocabularies, they forgot. I have tried to speak to them in Mandarin Chinese, they completely ignore me because they do not understand. My kids seem quite stupid when it comes to forenign language learning part. I do not have any strategies to teach them at home unless someone can share. They do not have the passion to learn it, so the only way is me pushing and forcing them to learn it.

My mother grew up with a French speaking mother. She had no choice but to learn how to understand it. Don’t ask me how it all worked, I can’t figure it out. She lived in a small coastal town where some people spoke English, some spoke French, some spoke both.

You don’t have to “teach” them, just speak it. They don’t need passion. It is best to do it from birth but hopefully they can pick up basic terms if you repeat them often.

[Anonymous]

It's incredibly easy to teach your children your language. You speak it at home from birth. My parents never spoke English at home or when we were out. My grandparents spoke very limited english. DH and I don't even speak the same language other than English, but our kids are still fluent in both of our languages. Cantonese, and Tagalog. We never did Chinese school for them. I'm fluent in 3 different languages, as are my parents. You can do this. No English at home. It's very important they know their culture and language well. All of my kids Asian friends are fluent in their language. Some go to Chinese school and 2 go to a Hindi school on Saturday. But, we all taught our kids from birth. It is not difficult if you are fluent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's incredibly easy to teach your children your language. You speak it at home from birth. My parents never spoke English at home or when we were out. My grandparents spoke very limited english. DH and I don't even speak the same language other than English, but our kids are still fluent in both of our languages. Cantonese, and Tagalog. We never did Chinese school for them. I'm fluent in 3 different languages, as are my parents. You can do this. No English at home. It's very important they know their culture and language well. All of my kids Asian friends are fluent in their language. Some go to Chinese school and 2 go to a Hindi school on Saturday. But, we all taught our kids from birth. It is not difficult if you are fluent.

I think this is the way. I only spoke my language to my DD from birth and she is fluent and has no accent. But OP can't turn back time, so it's not very helpful. Language school, cartoons, exposure to traditions and culture can still work! Also the interest can come later in kids life, may be they will be more enthusiastic and motivated when they are a bit older.
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[Anonymous]

Not true. I spoke to my DD my native language for one year, then she went to American day care, and English started to compete with the other language. She didn't speak until age 2, so when she started speaking in English, I started responding in kind. She didn't forget the other language until later, and that's because DH didn't speak it, either, and there was limited exposure to it "in the wild." She does say she wishes she still remembered it, but she definitely wouldn't have been willing to put in the effort, and I'm just not the type to force little kids. Plus I feel ambivalent about my native language because, similarly to Mandarin for a Cantonese speaker, it is not actually my heritage language, but I do not know my own heritage language (Yiddish).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not true. I spoke to my DD my native language for one year, then she went to American day care, and English started to compete with the other language. She didn't speak until age 2, so when she started speaking in English, I started responding in kind. She didn't forget the other language until later, and that's because DH didn't speak it, either, and there was limited exposure to it "in the wild." She does say she wishes she still remembered it, but she definitely wouldn't have been willing to put in the effort, and I'm just not the type to force little kids. Plus I feel ambivalent about my native language because, similarly to Mandarin for a Cantonese speaker, it is not actually my heritage language, but I do not know my own heritage language (Yiddish).

You stopped speaking to her in your language that why forgot the language. It was you who needed to put in the effort not her. She would have just continued to listen to you speak it, she would probably answer in English but at least she would continue to hear it and understand it. If as a teen she wanted to speak it she would have been way ahead in learning it.

[Anonymous]

Without two (or at least one) parent fluent in the native language, it is nearly impossible to give fluency to a child. Even then, it’s hard and requires dedication. My German friend tried for many years with her kids but eventually gave up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Without two (or at least one) parent fluent in the native language, it is nearly impossible to give fluency to a child. Even then, it’s hard and requires dedication. My German friend tried for many years with her kids but eventually gave up.

And sometimes only one of the kids is into it, they don't even have a sibling to help reinforce.

[Anonymous]

This whole situation can be tough. College acquaintance born and raised in US had parents who only really spoke or understood Cantonese.

The kids understood Cantonese, but only could say simple words and sentences.

By college, there were huge communication gaps. Kids did not have advanced vocabulary in Cantonese. Parents never were able to learn much English. She reported that everyone ended up frustrated about the inability to communicate between parents and kids.

Also, written Cantonese has some characters that Mandarin just does not have. Northerners who go to HK have to learn them to read GK newspapers (or at least has to until the Communists demolished all freedom in HK).

[Anonymous]

I really empathize with the dilemma. We’re in a somewhat similar situation with German. We’ve been taking weekend classes (parents included), and I strongly recommend the Concordia Summer programs mentioned earlier (03/04/2026, 15:09). For us, that’s been the real rocket fuel—not just for learning, but for making it enjoyable, which in turn helps sustain the rest of the effort. Without that element of fun, I think it would be much harder to keep going.

Another tip that’s helped us: if your child already has a hobby or passion, try to connect it to experiences in the target-language country when budget and travel allow. For example, if they love castles, visit castles. Finding ways to make the language part of something they already enjoy can make a big difference.

Once they reach a certain level, it also becomes easier to reinforce things through fun things—movies, songs, and other media in the target language. Don't know if this is the answer but it's how we've been making our way along. Highschool will be hard when another language is required in earnest. That gives me heartburn. But we are fairly committed as long as our kid is reasonably game which she is thanks to the summer program. We watch and reevaluate every year.

[Anonymous]

To get better fluency and enjoyment the kids have to speak it with other kids. Hence weekend school where there is language instruction and often clubs and electives. That's what my kids do. They are fluent speakers, I've spoken with them since birth, DH is American. They had a nanny and then immersion daycare. Limited English until K. The real impact though is having friends and being to speak with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really empathize with the dilemma. We’re in a somewhat similar situation with German. We’ve been taking weekend classes (parents included), and I strongly recommend the Concordia Summer programs mentioned earlier (03/04/2026, 15:09). For us, that’s been the real rocket fuel—not just for learning, but for making it enjoyable, which in turn helps sustain the rest of the effort. Without that element of fun, I think it would be much harder to keep going.

Another tip that’s helped us: if your child already has a hobby or passion, try to connect it to experiences in the target-language country when budget and travel allow. For example, if they love castles, visit castles. Finding ways to make the language part of something they already enjoy can make a big difference.

Once they reach a certain level, it also becomes easier to reinforce things through fun things—movies, songs, and other media in the target language. Don't know if this is the answer but it's how we've been making our way along. Highschool will be hard when another language is required in earnest. That gives me heartburn. But we are fairly committed as long as our kid is reasonably game which she is thanks to the summer program. We watch and reevaluate every year.

Do you have a program you can enroll in and study for a NEWL type test in HS?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really empathize with the dilemma. We’re in a somewhat similar situation with German. We’ve been taking weekend classes (parents included), and I strongly recommend the Concordia Summer programs mentioned earlier (03/04/2026, 15:09). For us, that’s been the real rocket fuel—not just for learning, but for making it enjoyable, which in turn helps sustain the rest of the effort. Without that element of fun, I think it would be much harder to keep going.

Another tip that’s helped us: if your child already has a hobby or passion, try to connect it to experiences in the target-language country when budget and travel allow. For example, if they love castles, visit castles. Finding ways to make the language part of something they already enjoy can make a big difference.

Once they reach a certain level, it also becomes easier to reinforce things through fun things—movies, songs, and other media in the target language. Don't know if this is the answer but it's how we've been making our way along. Highschool will be hard when another language is required in earnest. That gives me heartburn. But we are fairly committed as long as our kid is reasonably game which she is thanks to the summer program. We watch and reevaluate every year.

So dramatic Jfc. Heartburn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole situation can be tough. College acquaintance born and raised in US had parents who only really spoke or understood Cantonese.

The kids understood Cantonese, but only could say simple words and sentences.

By college, there were huge communication gaps. Kids did not have advanced vocabulary in Cantonese. Parents never were able to learn much English. She reported that everyone ended up frustrated about the inability to communicate between parents and kids.

Also, written Cantonese has some characters that Mandarin just does not have. Northerners who go to HK have to learn them to read GK newspapers (or at least has to until the Communists demolished all freedom in HK).

I’m similarly situated with my mother. Now that I’m an adult we can’t really talk or discuss anything deeper than small talk. It makes me so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really empathize with the dilemma. We’re in a somewhat similar situation with German. We’ve been taking weekend classes (parents included), and I strongly recommend the Concordia Summer programs mentioned earlier (03/04/2026, 15:09). For us, that’s been the real rocket fuel—not just for learning, but for making it enjoyable, which in turn helps sustain the rest of the effort. Without that element of fun, I think it would be much harder to keep going.

Another tip that’s helped us: if your child already has a hobby or passion, try to connect it to experiences in the target-language country when budget and travel allow. For example, if they love castles, visit castles. Finding ways to make the language part of something they already enjoy can make a big difference.

Once they reach a certain level, it also becomes easier to reinforce things through fun things—movies, songs, and other media in the target language. Don't know if this is the answer but it's how we've been making our way along. Highschool will be hard when another language is required in earnest. That gives me heartburn. But we are fairly committed as long as our kid is reasonably game which she is thanks to the summer program. We watch and reevaluate every year.

Do you have a program you can enroll in and study for a NEWL type test in HS?

Replying to: Do you have a program you can enroll in and study for a NEWL type test in HS?

Truthfully I don't know. The German school offers various exams that are recognized for various levels of fluency abroad. Concordia offers highschool credit in some of its programs though not all highschools take them. My understanding is that German AP exams are limited but a student could find and take one outside of highschool. I suspect given the exposure DD would do OK on an AP test but we're not in or aware of a program preparing for it.