AITA Asking family to accommodate

[Anonymous]

I am probably in the wrong but I’m at a loss. I’ve posted before.

DD has major SN. Autism plus a list of other things including physical disabilities that make normal kid things hard. We are doing Everything possible and one of those things are knowing when to push, accommodate, or decline.

Extended family including grandparents don’t get it. We ask for small accommodations like 1-on-1 or small group quiet activities so that we can see them. But, no - everything is on their terms to meet them in a place, activity, or party that will guarantee meltdown and set backs.

So, they stopped.DD hasn’t seen her aunt and uncle in 5 years. She can’t identify them in a picture. They won’t call or anything like that. Grandparents are aging which I get, and we used to visit them but they won’t respect kids boundaries like not touching without warning, getting in her face, or insisting that she act in a neurotypical way. (Eye contact and handshakes are the least of my concerns right now.)

So,I’m pissed. There are big family events coming up. Adults will divide and conquer. But I asked for minor accommodations so that DD can see certain important family members in a lower stress environment between festivities and were met with No.

I’m the AH for being upset and asking for accommodations? I feel abandoned.

[Anonymous]

You are doing the right thing. It is them not you. People who don’t have kids with disabilities can struggle to understand reality.

I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

It can be really hard. Lots of folks experience the same thing. I only know one family that has a truly supportive extended family (at least from an outsider perspective). They live closeby to parents and siblings so there is a lot of interaction. I'm guessing this is easier than those of us who are far away, and we only have a few times a year that we interact during chaotic times like holidays. You are definitely not alone!

If you don't have a friend that you can vent to about this stuff, a therapist could help. Wishing you the best.

[Anonymous]

They are wrong. But DD may not feel she is missing anything good?

[Anonymous]

You are doing the right thing. Your duty is to your child, not the adults in your extended family. If they aren't willing to budge even an inch to make your DD a part of the family, I wouldn't feel guilty at all not going to family events.

[Anonymous]

They aren't going to accommodate, so I think it's up to you to figure out what you can do. Can she wear headphones? Can you leave with her after 15 min or give her small chunks of time that she can handle?

Are these people local? Can grandparents just come over for dinner?

[Anonymous]

Your family sucks. You have to do what is best for your child. It doesn’t sound like these people will be positive influences in her life anyways.

[Anonymous]

You're not the AH but at a certain point it's time to accept that they're not going to change.

If you do want to keep trying, pick the single most approachable person and work with just them. And I think it's worth considering if your conversations with them are so full of modern SN parent buzzwords that people don't actually understand what you mean. When we are immersed in the language it feels normal, but to others it can be hard to comprehend.

[Anonymous]

If YOU want to see your family, do so without your child and spouse stays home (or get a babysitter if your child has a trusted adult). Your child couldn't possibly care less about recognizing her relatives. It's not important, OP.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. None of which you mention is unreasonable. We could easily accommodate that.

[Anonymous]

They should accommodate so they can see your child, of course! Even if your accommodations are “too much” (as in a professional would probably advise accommodating less over time-not saying this is the case) they should do because you are her parent and it’s up to you to manage things like that!

[Anonymous]

Your child is not missing out here. Stop trying to force this. They aren’t going to change. Don’t spend any mental bandwidth on this. Focus on people that matter (and it isn’t them). See them on your own.

[Anonymous]

That makes me sad that they aren’t willing to bend at all.

[Anonymous]

You are NTA. I'm very sorry, but it sounds like your daughter is just not that important to your family. If this was my daughter, I would decline these big family events. My daughter is more important to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That makes me sad that they aren’t willing to bend at all.

I hit send too soon.

Here’s what I want to add. They may be refusing to accommodate because they think she needs to learn how to deal with real life. You know and I know that it’s not that simple, but they don’t. If this is very important to you, you could try framing it like “can we meet one on one at first so that she gets to know you, then we can move up to bigger groups and hopefully a family party” so they believe you aren’t going to always ask them to bend their precious lives. It’s worth asking, and if they refuse again; then forget them. Their loss.