AITA Asking family to accommodate

[Anonymous]

I do not have a child with special needs. I can't imagine not helping a family member, no less, make it easier on their child, or wanting to get to know their child. Full stop. I'm sorry OP>

[Anonymous]

OP how old is your DD? How far away does the family live?

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. You are not the A. here.

[Anonymous]

I would not go. A big family event is not the time to ask for 1-1 time.

[Anonymous]

I do not think you in the wrong at all. But they don't understand. Try to come at it from they don't get it and no one has taught them. It isn't their fault.

They also probably think in some way they can fix her and she needs to figure it out. My son is not typical. And I think he is fine and great they way he is. The world will not bend for him. The therapist gently told me this when I was resisting extra help - cause I think he is fine, but she isn't wrong. He does have to figure out how to work in this world that isn't built for him.

[Anonymous]

No, you're not. Our DD was the only family member not invited to her first cousin's bat mitzvah because she thought DD might act weird. The rest of the family supported that and thought we should attend without DD.

[Anonymous]

I get the frustration. Like many or even most of us, we've dealt with relatives who don't get it and think our kid should just suck it up and act normal. And that I'm being ridiculous to think that my kid shouldn't be expected to act normal. (Normal meaning the way they expect my kid should act). But, I'm not sure that big family events are where you should be asking for accommodations. Typically big family events revolve around a particular event or purpose - like a wedding or a significant birthday celebration or an anniversary. Depending on the type of event and depending on what you are asking for, your requests might not be reasonable for those circumstances.

One other thing. I'm not sure that my family cares if they see my kid (they love the others, but not my one with SN). Maybe this is also something you are experiencing. Honestly, I just got over that because you can't make someone like or love your child just because you do.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry Op. We stopped seeing my BIL and my inlaws because they would bully DD and zero in on her challenges (she has autism and OCD) and needle her about them. For example, BIL knows she had social struggles and was working really hard and he asked her loudly in front of a room of people if she had any friends yet. DD wanted to wash her hands before dinner and MIL told her she needed more therapy. She was stunned, we were so saddened for her.

Is your spouse on the same page as you in not seeing them and putting DD first? Not wanting to see my inalws caused a lot of stress in my marriage and even though DH sees the bad behavior, he still has a hard time choosing our family over them.

[Anonymous]

Stand up for your child but understand that many others, including family, may not understand. Just do what’s best for your child. Arrange small gatherings on your own instead of trying to change big group gatherings.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to take the initiative to plan things yourself and invite them one at a time. Invite them to your home, invite them to a low stress activity for your child, but YOU need to do the planning with accommodations built in rather than asking them to make those accommodations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to take the initiative to plan things yourself and invite them one at a time. Invite them to your home, invite them to a low stress activity for your child, but YOU need to do the planning with accommodations built in rather than asking them to make those accommodations.

Sounds like those efforts are rebuffed. OP said "everything is on their terms to meet them in a place, activity, or party that will guarantee meltdown and set backs."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to take the initiative to plan things yourself and invite them one at a time. Invite them to your home, invite them to a low stress activity for your child, but YOU need to do the planning with accommodations built in rather than asking them to make those accommodations.

Sounds like those efforts are rebuffed. OP said "everything is on their terms to meet them in a place, activity, or party that will guarantee meltdown and set backs."

If this is the case and they won’t participate in events you plan either then I don’t think I’d bother seeing them on my own, either. It’s hard to realize your family sucks OP, I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. There is really no reason a visit can't take place at your house. The road works both ways.

Maybe consider exactly how disruptive your child is, but also your own behavior. If you're picking at everyone's language because it isn't the fluent SPED-speak you're used to from professionals, or if they feel like no amount of accommodation would ever be enough for you, then they'll give up.

If there is physical aggression, especially towards other children or the elderly, that's a different situation.

[Anonymous]

That's really tough. I would continue to hold the line at no unwanted touching. That is so important to enforce.

Otherwise for big family events think about what accommodations you can make that don't require others to change behaviors. E.g. let let people know that when child gets overstimulated you will be going with them to xyz room or will take a break with headphones or whatever. If it works for your child's temperament, you can say that if one or two people want to join you in the break room, you'd welcome someone to chat with if that's the case.

In between the big gatherings, can you invite select people for smaller low-let get togethers? Like just the grandparents for coffee?

I think it's hard for older generations to turn off the "tough it out" attitude. They may be inclined to think that we're just coddling our kids and making things worse. Some may be receptive to psychological education, or just a statement like "I used to think that accommodations would make things worse, but I was taught that actually they
... etc etc." statements like that show your relatives that you're not just blindly coddling but that there's evidence behind your approach.

As I'm writing this I'm feeling anxiety about an upcoming family reunion. The location is at a pretty remote family farm, so I'm worried that it'll be hard to escape if the weather makes it hard to be outdoors.

[Anonymous]

Do you think they're nervous about having to support your child in adulthood, or their own children being pressured to do so?

I think it can be hard to tell accommodating from enabling, even for us experienced SN parents. If you're going hard on the "autism is never a problem, my child is perfect as they are and should never have to mask (which means make an effort or do anything challenging)" then yeah, a lot of people don't go for that.

Another reason this can be difficult is that the family members are themselves on the spectrum.