I guess I am “low effort”

[Anonymous]

Let’s talk about how I might be “low effort” in my family.

What do I mean?

It hit me that we don’t have a lot of traditions of family gatherings. In my own family, in my extended family. If we are together, we’re happy, friendly, creative, but it’s low pressure.

Reading the comments of this video—
https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1EdRAhCccV/

—I see that people don’t think low-effort families are fun.

I have considered pouring my heart into big parties and events for holidays, but I also see it as unnecessary pressure. What should we have a tradition we HAVE to do at Christmas, at Halloween? It just means when life gets crazy (one of us parents getting hit by stomach flu), there’s that much more disappointment. Or also the pressure of “having” to do a big celebration that the work of preparing it adds to the work of life. It’s like one more way to stress out my family.

I get jealous of my friends that can pull this stuff off (streamers and balloons on the first and last days of school; annual specific gatherings that are extra/beyond regular Christmas dinner; a birthday week with like 17 different major events/gifts)

But I can’t do it, so im “low effort.”

[Anonymous]

“What should we have a tradition we HAVE to do at Christmas, at Halloween?”

This should read as “WHY should we..”

[Anonymous]

For example, this comment is either judgemental, correct, or both??

What do you think?

“It's so sad that families are this way. But not a family you want around either. More is caught than taught. Protect yourselves and your children.”

The context of this is perhaps when you’re married and you’re choosing between which in-laws, which family you hang out with.

And in another video, she talks more about this choice… I don’t have married kids, but what we are creating now.. it’s not as though we will suddenly change when our kids are older.

[Anonymous]

I hate nonsense like this. Because you don’t buy a bunch of tacky streamers from the Dollar Tree to commemorate the first day of school you somehow don’t ever buy meaningful gifts? Is that the spin?

Or is that your own video you’re trying to promote?

[Anonymous]

I didn’t really get the sense from the post that she meant big parties with all the decorations. It seems like it’s more about families like my xH’s - our kid has never even met my former FIL, and have seen my former MIL for maybe a total of 2 hours. There’s no ill will, it’s just that nobody can be bothered to go visit each other.

I don’t really understand the gifts issue she mentioned. Everybody nowadays doesn’t want gifts because it’s just more junk to clutter their house, everybody prefers cash or gift cards.

It’s totally fine to not throw a gazillion celebrations. It’s actually probably better for kids if you don’t. Do it if it brings you joy, but if it doesn’t, it’ll just cause resentment and your kids will end up complaining about you anyway.

[Anonymous]

"low effort" can also mean lazy

[Anonymous]

Based on OP’s description I think I’m low effort, too. I work full time and don’t have the time to be high effort, plus I’m not great at that stuff.

My fondest childhood memories were the everyday stuff, like running around outside with friends for hours during the summer, playing with a sibling at home for years in a fort we made out of the giant box our fridge came in.

IMHO I think the high effort stuff is great if you enjoy doing it, but for some it’s just for posting on social media.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm. I watched her clip.

I don't buy it.

I came from a family where the women did a lot of emotional and house labor at the holidays. Made everything pretty, baked, did crafts, decorated. Raised a generation of girls who enjoyed doing this stuff but they also became career women. Then those little girls all had boys. 6 of them.

So these boys...are not very interested in holiday crafts, baking, or decorating. We tried. But they really didn't care much. We moms ended up finishing the projects.

We gave our little boys Easter baskets, filled stockings, and tons of gifts. They liked these things but weren't sad to grow up and out of the phase where we did these things obligatorily. So we've kind of stopped.

We do meaningful things for each other and give meaningful gifts without tying that to holidays. We visit family at holidays and I think even that is a quality tradition.

I'll be interested to see what kind of DILs and grandkids come my way. If anyone else wants to dial up the effort, I'm game. But I don't think my family life lacks meaning or I'm low effort because I didn't duplicate my childhood holiday practices.

[Anonymous]

Some people just are low effort people. I don’t necessarily think it is for family celebrations. I’m not sure if it is a personality trait. This can be for different areas of life.

I know some women who are like super humans who seem to do everything well. They must not sleep because there just aren’t enough hours in a day.

I stopped working because I felt I was not spending enough time on my children. I don’t go all out like those people who post on social media but I put a lot of effort. I make it a point for my kids to feel special on birthdays. I do themed parties and play dates. I buy the matching pajamas. I care about making family traditions because I didn’t have those growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"low effort" can also mean lazy

NP.

I believe that is the gist of OP’s complaint.

But sure, normalize lazy now

Let’s see where that gets you.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the video is talking about people needing to make a huge deal out of every holiday or like put up streamers for the first day of school.

She's talking about families who don't invest in relationships, don't think about others, do things only out of obligation, etc. My ILs are like this and I know *exactly* what she means. I have adjusted to it at this point but yes, when we visit, they will make literally no effort -- no meals planned, they barely acknowledge we are there. If we want to do anything at all, we plan it ourselves. They are just kind of passive.

Whereas I put a lot of effort into parenting and family togetherness, but none of it takes the form of buying lots of plastic crap off Amazon to decorate. We have traditions but they are simple and meaningful, not made-for-Instagram trends. We are also good hosts and like to share holidays with others and think about how to make other people feel good in our home. We put effort into our relationships.

The video is not about having big celebrations for every holiday or making a huge deal out of the first day of school. It's about building relationships and caring about others, which you can do while still have small, intimate holidays or very simple traditions that don't cost money or involve lots of decorating.

[Anonymous]

You do you, boo. No one cares. Why worry what others think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the video is talking about people needing to make a huge deal out of every holiday or like put up streamers for the first day of school.

She's talking about families who don't invest in relationships, don't think about others, do things only out of obligation, etc. My ILs are like this and I know *exactly* what she means. I have adjusted to it at this point but yes, when we visit, they will make literally no effort -- no meals planned, they barely acknowledge we are there. If we want to do anything at all, we plan it ourselves. They are just kind of passive.

Whereas I put a lot of effort into parenting and family togetherness, but none of it takes the form of buying lots of plastic crap off Amazon to decorate. We have traditions but they are simple and meaningful, not made-for-Instagram trends. We are also good hosts and like to share holidays with others and think about how to make other people feel good in our home. We put effort into our relationships.

The video is not about having big celebrations for every holiday or making a huge deal out of the first day of school. It's about building relationships and caring about others, which you can do while still have small, intimate holidays or very simple traditions that don't cost money or involve lots of decorating.

Does every thread have to devolve into in law bashing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the video is talking about people needing to make a huge deal out of every holiday or like put up streamers for the first day of school.

She's talking about families who don't invest in relationships, don't think about others, do things only out of obligation, etc. My ILs are like this and I know *exactly* what she means. I have adjusted to it at this point but yes, when we visit, they will make literally no effort -- no meals planned, they barely acknowledge we are there. If we want to do anything at all, we plan it ourselves. They are just kind of passive.

Whereas I put a lot of effort into parenting and family togetherness, but none of it takes the form of buying lots of plastic crap off Amazon to decorate. We have traditions but they are simple and meaningful, not made-for-Instagram trends. We are also good hosts and like to share holidays with others and think about how to make other people feel good in our home. We put effort into our relationships.

The video is not about having big celebrations for every holiday or making a huge deal out of the first day of school. It's about building relationships and caring about others, which you can do while still have small, intimate holidays or very simple traditions that don't cost money or involve lots of decorating.

Does every thread have to devolve into in law bashing?

I'm not bashing my ILs, I'm factually describing what they are like. If you must know, I think they are like this due to generational trauma. My MIL, in particular, experienced a lot of abuse and neglect as a child and I think she honestly just does not know what to do. It makes me feel sad for them, but the first few years I did feel frustrated and kind of offended. Now we are just selective about when we visit and we have appropriate expectations.

Some people have limitations due to their backgrounds and circumstances. Sometimes those people are your ILs. Talking about that isn't "bashing" them. I wasn't even complaining, just explaining.

[Anonymous]

This is something most people are wise enough to share with their therapist, not an internet message board.