I guess I am “low effort”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the video is talking about people needing to make a huge deal out of every holiday or like put up streamers for the first day of school.

She's talking about families who don't invest in relationships, don't think about others, do things only out of obligation, etc. My ILs are like this and I know *exactly* what she means. I have adjusted to it at this point but yes, when we visit, they will make literally no effort -- no meals planned, they barely acknowledge we are there. If we want to do anything at all, we plan it ourselves. They are just kind of passive.

Whereas I put a lot of effort into parenting and family togetherness, but none of it takes the form of buying lots of plastic crap off Amazon to decorate. We have traditions but they are simple and meaningful, not made-for-Instagram trends. We are also good hosts and like to share holidays with others and think about how to make other people feel good in our home. We put effort into our relationships.

The video is not about having big celebrations for every holiday or making a huge deal out of the first day of school. It's about building relationships and caring about others, which you can do while still have small, intimate holidays or very simple traditions that don't cost money or involve lots of decorating.

Does every thread have to devolve into in law bashing?

I'm not bashing my ILs, I'm factually describing what they are like. If you must know, I think they are like this due to generational trauma. My MIL, in particular, experienced a lot of abuse and neglect as a child and I think she honestly just does not know what to do. It makes me feel sad for them, but the first few years I did feel frustrated and kind of offended. Now we are just selective about when we visit and we have appropriate expectations.

Some people have limitations due to their backgrounds and circumstances. Sometimes those people are your ILs. Talking about that isn't "bashing" them. I wasn't even complaining, just explaining.

Uh. Huh.

You could have explained this in your first post. You didn't. Now that you're called out you're backtracking.

Whatever.

[Anonymous]

If you can’t be bothered to step up your game for your nuclear family then you’re low effort as well. It’s not the extended family’s job to do it for you. We never see inlaws on holidays. Ever. We see my family some of the time. I make the holidays happen for my kids. I make the traditions, we do them year after year. I don’t have to, I want to. And the family appreciates what I do some of the time? Most of the time? I don’t know but they would surely notice if I stopped. Are people just sitting around waiting for someone to make the magic happen for them?

[Anonymous]

I totally get what the lady means even though my family does not have over the top traditions. I live with my husband and kids in a different state from my parents, who are divorced. My mom sends my kids cards for major holidays, sends Christmas gifts which we open on a video call with her on Christmas Eve, and plans visits specifically to see us. My dad will drop by if he happens to be passing through our area and will come see us at my mom's house if we are visiting my hometown, but has never sent my kids a card or gift. He talks in a abstract way about planning a vacation with his kids and grandkids, but never takes action to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the video is talking about people needing to make a huge deal out of every holiday or like put up streamers for the first day of school.

She's talking about families who don't invest in relationships, don't think about others, do things only out of obligation, etc. My ILs are like this and I know *exactly* what she means. I have adjusted to it at this point but yes, when we visit, they will make literally no effort -- no meals planned, they barely acknowledge we are there. If we want to do anything at all, we plan it ourselves. They are just kind of passive.

Whereas I put a lot of effort into parenting and family togetherness, but none of it takes the form of buying lots of plastic crap off Amazon to decorate. We have traditions but they are simple and meaningful, not made-for-Instagram trends. We are also good hosts and like to share holidays with others and think about how to make other people feel good in our home. We put effort into our relationships.

The video is not about having big celebrations for every holiday or making a huge deal out of the first day of school. It's about building relationships and caring about others, which you can do while still have small, intimate holidays or very simple traditions that don't cost money or involve lots of decorating.

Does every thread have to devolve into in law bashing?

The whole point of the video is in-law bashing. No one describes themselves as “low effort.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the video is talking about people needing to make a huge deal out of every holiday or like put up streamers for the first day of school.

She's talking about families who don't invest in relationships, don't think about others, do things only out of obligation, etc. My ILs are like this and I know *exactly* what she means. I have adjusted to it at this point but yes, when we visit, they will make literally no effort -- no meals planned, they barely acknowledge we are there. If we want to do anything at all, we plan it ourselves. They are just kind of passive.

Whereas I put a lot of effort into parenting and family togetherness, but none of it takes the form of buying lots of plastic crap off Amazon to decorate. We have traditions but they are simple and meaningful, not made-for-Instagram trends. We are also good hosts and like to share holidays with others and think about how to make other people feel good in our home. We put effort into our relationships.

The video is not about having big celebrations for every holiday or making a huge deal out of the first day of school. It's about building relationships and caring about others, which you can do while still have small, intimate holidays or very simple traditions that don't cost money or involve lots of decorating.

Does every thread have to devolve into in law bashing?

The whole point of the video is in-law bashing. No one describes themselves as “low effort.”

Np. OP is describing herself as low effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let’s talk about how I might be “low effort” in my family.

What do I mean?

It hit me that we don’t have a lot of traditions of family gatherings. In my own family, in my extended family. If we are together, we’re happy, friendly, creative, but it’s low pressure.

Reading the comments of this video—
https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1EdRAhCccV/

—I see that people don’t think low-effort families are fun.

I have considered pouring my heart into big parties and events for holidays, but I also see it as unnecessary pressure. What should we have a tradition we HAVE to do at Christmas, at Halloween? It just means when life gets crazy (one of us parents getting hit by stomach flu), there’s that much more disappointment. Or also the pressure of “having” to do a big celebration that the work of preparing it adds to the work of life. It’s like one more way to stress out my family.

I get jealous of my friends that can pull this stuff off (streamers and balloons on the first and last days of school; annual specific gatherings that are extra/beyond regular Christmas dinner; a birthday week with like 17 different major events/gifts)

But I can’t do it, so im “low effort.”

Just know, that your low effort is someone else’s big effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the video is talking about people needing to make a huge deal out of every holiday or like put up streamers for the first day of school.

She's talking about families who don't invest in relationships, don't think about others, do things only out of obligation, etc. My ILs are like this and I know *exactly* what she means. I have adjusted to it at this point but yes, when we visit, they will make literally no effort -- no meals planned, they barely acknowledge we are there. If we want to do anything at all, we plan it ourselves. They are just kind of passive.

Whereas I put a lot of effort into parenting and family togetherness, but none of it takes the form of buying lots of plastic crap off Amazon to decorate. We have traditions but they are simple and meaningful, not made-for-Instagram trends. We are also good hosts and like to share holidays with others and think about how to make other people feel good in our home. We put effort into our relationships.

The video is not about having big celebrations for every holiday or making a huge deal out of the first day of school. It's about building relationships and caring about others, which you can do while still have small, intimate holidays or very simple traditions that don't cost money or involve lots of decorating.

Does every thread have to devolve into in law bashing?

The whole point of the video is in-law bashing. No one describes themselves as “low effort.”

Np. OP is describing herself as low effort.

She is saying that other people would describe her that way.
It’s definitely a pejorative term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the video is talking about people needing to make a huge deal out of every holiday or like put up streamers for the first day of school.

She's talking about families who don't invest in relationships, don't think about others, do things only out of obligation, etc. My ILs are like this and I know *exactly* what she means. I have adjusted to it at this point but yes, when we visit, they will make literally no effort -- no meals planned, they barely acknowledge we are there. If we want to do anything at all, we plan it ourselves. They are just kind of passive.

Whereas I put a lot of effort into parenting and family togetherness, but none of it takes the form of buying lots of plastic crap off Amazon to decorate. We have traditions but they are simple and meaningful, not made-for-Instagram trends. We are also good hosts and like to share holidays with others and think about how to make other people feel good in our home. We put effort into our relationships.

The video is not about having big celebrations for every holiday or making a huge deal out of the first day of school. It's about building relationships and caring about others, which you can do while still have small, intimate holidays or very simple traditions that don't cost money or involve lots of decorating.

Does every thread have to devolve into in law bashing?

The whole point of the video is in-law bashing. No one describes themselves as “low effort.”

Np. OP is describing herself as low effort.

She is saying that other people would describe her that way.
It’s definitely a pejorative term.

Right, not her in-laws.