Is it abnormal to seek emotional support from adult child?

[Anonymous]

I grew up with weird parents, so there are "normal" things I don't know.

Is it abnormal or normal to seek emotional support from a young adult child? In general, I do not since one of my parents sought too much from me.

[Anonymous]

Yes it is. Generally the flow of support goes from Parent to Child. Even when the child becomes an adult. If you need support, ask your friends and peers, not your kids.

[Anonymous]

Not normal. Unless the parent is nearing
Senior years and struggling. The tables do turn at some point, and the adult child should step in and assist when possible.

[Anonymous]

Depends on individuals, given circumstances and nature of mutual relationship.

[Anonymous]

Mostly yes, unless you are going through a health issue.

[Anonymous]

My parents would never at that age. We are in our 40s and they still do not. I plan to be the same way. Not making my problems theirs.

[Anonymous]

OP, both of my parents relied on me for emotional support throughout my childhood and into adulthood. I definitely think that was dysfunctional.

However, I think in a healthy family, everyone can give and receive support. For adults in a family, it doesn't have to just go one way (parent to child) forever -- once the child is an adult and if they feel comfortable, it would be natural to sometimes offer emotional support to a parent. For instance comforting a parent during an illness or while they are grieving.

However there should always be a balance. Adult kids should not be expected to just set aside their own emotional needs to focus on serving their parents' needs. Ideally both parent and child will have other sources of support (spouses, friends, other family, if necessary therapy) so no one is the other person's soul source of support.

I think especially when one parent dies, it's important for the surviving parent to understand that their adult children are also grieving the loss, and to not expect their child to set aside their grief in order to support the surviving parent entirely. Both should support each other and also reach outside the family for support to get through it.

[Anonymous]

Yes. In addition to being "abnormal," it is problematic. See enmeshment.

[Anonymous]

It depends. Given a decent relationship, I’d expect to give to a parent about the same amount of support I’d give to a friend. Heck, when my aunt was going through some tough stuff (and not of her own making), I called her every day for months.

[Anonymous]

Yes, mom did that and I hated it. She told me I was her best friend, which I told her was sad. It was cruel of me to say, but it was wrong of her to put some of that sh*t on me.

[Anonymous]

Both of my parents do, I remember being a sounding board since I was 6 years old. They tried to do this with my brother, who refused listen and told them he's their child, not their therapist.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t advise it unless it’s a very situation situation, I had to a lot as an kid, and while I was young, I don’t think it was inappropriate during these times.

The first time I was 11, I had to step in as my mother’s caregiver after she lost her young mom. I came home to find her sobbing on the floor after hearing that her mom was in critical condition. She’d scream, cry on the floor, and I had to comfort and hold her. She fell unconscious so I had to call an ambulance. When she woke up, she was in pain, screaming, and crying, and I held her and reassured her that everything would be okay. She would sometimes say she didn’t want to live, or ask me to do things like grab a bra so she could run into the street. I had to stop her and lock doors, or prevent her from driving to pick up my siblings from school because it was tooo unsafe.

This happened several times throughout my tween and teen years. I would cook for her, care for her, and comfort her, and while it hurt me, I was able to handle it at that age. I think an adult child can manage this type of support, but it’s important to be mindful because it’s emotionally heavy work.

[Anonymous]

Yes, yes it is. Because it implies that the parent has no-one else to get emotional support from. Nobody starts demanding emotional support from adult children who has a functioning network of about same-aged friends and relatives/siblings, with whom they have kept up functional relationships. Sure, when there's an illness or grieving, it's normal to reach out short-term. The problem becomes when it's expected long-term and/or there's literally nobody else the parent can turn to. Also agree with PP and felt it myself (as did my siblings), that when we lost our dad, it all became about mom's grief. She didn't even realize (at least never verbalized) that we, the adult kids, were also grieving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t advise it unless it’s a very situation situation, I had to a lot as an kid, and while I was young, I don’t think it was inappropriate during these times.

The first time I was 11, I had to step in as my mother’s caregiver after she lost her young mom. I came home to find her sobbing on the floor after hearing that her mom was in critical condition. She’d scream, cry on the floor, and I had to comfort and hold her. She fell unconscious so I had to call an ambulance. When she woke up, she was in pain, screaming, and crying, and I held her and reassured her that everything would be okay. She would sometimes say she didn’t want to live, or ask me to do things like grab a bra so she could run into the street. I had to stop her and lock doors, or prevent her from driving to pick up my siblings from school because it was tooo unsafe.

This happened several times throughout my tween and teen years. I would cook for her, care for her, and comfort her, and while it hurt me, I was able to handle it at that age. I think an adult child can manage this type of support, but it’s important to be mindful because it’s emotionally heavy work.

I'm very sorry you had to go through all that. A child should definitely not be put into this position.

[Anonymous]

My husband and his brothers are currently supporting their adult parents through their divorce and it is horrific. The "kids" are in their late 30s-early 50s.