Is it abnormal to seek emotional support from adult child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an adult. My mother is very supportive of me, and I don't mind supporting her when she needs it.
She was nervous about something recently, and I gave her a pep talk and tried to make her feel more confident.
And we comforted each other when an older relative passed away recently.

That just sound like a relationship between you and your mom that morphed into something like an adult female friendship over time. Not the kind of relationship where your mother counted on you as her best friend or used you as a sounding board for issues with your father, that kind of thing.

You're lucky.

[Anonymous]

I unfortunately went thru a horrific divorce and went through counseling but my children had separate therapists. I tried not to talk about the abuse that went on but as adults we sometimes do talk about it.
Of course their dad did no therapy and continues his abuse to this day. They have limited contact with him. They do tell me his BS and I wish they would not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, mom did that and I hated it. She told me I was her best friend, which I told her was sad. It was cruel of me to say, but it was wrong of her to put some of that sh*t on me.

I'm sorry about that. These days, it grosses me out when people say their mom is their best friend. Then, I figure they are enmeshed.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s normal for parents to seek emotional support from their (adult) children, but I do think it’s normal for (adult) children to offer some emotional support when their parents are experiencing trying times. I don’t go to my children with my problems, but they should give a damn about my welfare.

Yes, this makes sense. My fear is that I will go too far toward not seeking or sharing any problems. I know that I won't go too far in the direction of relying on my adult children since that was done to me.

Thanks for your answer. I am going to ponder these answers and learn from what everyone said.

OP

[Anonymous]

I don't need or expect emotional support. But downright callousness and lack of empathy is pretty frightening.

When my parents were advanced in age, one with serious terminal issues, they were scared. To act as if they should still act like parents is absurd. Sometimes the child needs to provide the comfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, yes it is. Because it implies that the parent has no-one else to get emotional support from. Nobody starts demanding emotional support from adult children who has a functioning network of about same-aged friends and relatives/siblings, with whom they have kept up functional relationships. Sure, when there's an illness or grieving, it's normal to reach out short-term. The problem becomes when it's expected long-term and/or there's literally nobody else the parent can turn to. Also agree with PP and felt it myself (as did my siblings), that when we lost our dad, it all became about mom's grief. She didn't even realize (at least never verbalized) that we, the adult kids, were also grieving.

The bolded is too severe. It can be hard to maintain a network of same-age emotionally, supportive friends and family as you age. What if your sister has Alzheimer's? What if your closest friends move away to be near their grandkids? People die, get sick, become more distant as they care for a declining spouse or a sick child, etc. Sometimes people wind up somewhat isolated through no fault of their own, especially as they age.

I'm not saying this would justify dumbing all your problems on your adult child, but I don't think it's unreasonable for functional adult children to be PART of an emotional support network, especially for people in their 60s, 70s, and 80s. Not doing all the heavy lifting, but being present, providing companionship, sometimes listening to troubles and providing validation and support. The idea that a person is going to be able to maintain a separate support system of same-age people their entire life is just not realistic.

I am sorry your mom has been unable or unwilling to support you in your grief. I have seen a similar dynamic with my MIL and my DH -- she never acknowledges that DH lost his dad and is grieving too. But in her case, she absolutely has siblings nearby and friends who can support her. She's just never been particularly emotionally supportive of DH, even when he was a child, and I think has narcissistic tendencies that lead to her always centering her pain and her experiences. It's not about her being isolated or failing to maintain relationships, it's about how she approaches her relationship with DH, specifically, and the dysfunction in that dynamic.

I don't think it's unrealistic at all to keep or develop your own support system. What if you don't have kids? We all move around and have to find things to do and meet new people and develop new support systems throughout our lives. It's not like you made friends in elementary school and that's it. From my experience the ones who heavily rely on their adult children for emotional support have exhausted their other relationships with their unpleasant or personality disordered or somewhat narcissistic behavior: meaning everybody else has walked away and/or is not picking up the phone. Then the adult kids are there, because they are the last ones to walk away, and as some say, the phone gets blown up because they have no coping skills themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't need or expect emotional support. But downright callousness and lack of empathy is pretty frightening.

When my parents were advanced in age, one with serious terminal issues, they were scared. To act as if they should still act like parents is absurd. Sometimes the child needs to provide the comfort.

I think with serious medical issues and related fears one needs professional support. Most of us are not trained in psychology, therapy, medical science etc. etc. Sometimes adult kids start avoiding a parent because they don't know what to do. The elderly parent has high expectations and expects the adult child to solve all their problems and take away the pain... and realistically, it's simply impossible. Then the guilt-tripping starts, making it even more impossible. Unfortunately a lot of elders have not made peace with their mortality and turn excessively selfish and demanding as the end nears.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it’s abnormal to seek emotional support from a child, adult or not.
I am low contact with my mom for this reason. I won’t have a phone conversation with her because all she wants is support for her problems. When I was a child, it was about getting support due to her issues with my dad, or complaints about my siblings. It was very dysfunctional and definitely did a number on me. As an adult, it become long one sided phone calls where she just talked incessantly about her issues.

One day when I was having a lot of challenges of my own, in my 20s, I asked her on a phone call why she never inquired about my life.
I don’t recall the answer but it didn’t lead to any changes. It seemed very foreign to her that she should ask how her child was doing.

I’m so much happier and content, at peace, now that I am low contact.

[Anonymous]

Giving emotional support to anyone at a difficult time is fine, as long as you keep boundaries in mind. If it something you would do for a friend, it's probably fine. With some parents in particular, watch out for the emotional support turning into emotional blackmail . attempts to control things --" I will feel better if you just do X" where X could be anything from coming to dinner every week to raising your child in their preferred religion, and is likely to be followed by other demands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, yes it is. Because it implies that the parent has no-one else to get emotional support from. Nobody starts demanding emotional support from adult children who has a functioning network of about same-aged friends and relatives/siblings, with whom they have kept up functional relationships. Sure, when there's an illness or grieving, it's normal to reach out short-term. The problem becomes when it's expected long-term and/or there's literally nobody else the parent can turn to. Also agree with PP and felt it myself (as did my siblings), that when we lost our dad, it all became about mom's grief. She didn't even realize (at least never verbalized) that we, the adult kids, were also grieving.

The bolded is too severe. It can be hard to maintain a network of same-age emotionally, supportive friends and family as you age. What if your sister has Alzheimer's? What if your closest friends move away to be near their grandkids? People die, get sick, become more distant as they care for a declining spouse or a sick child, etc. Sometimes people wind up somewhat isolated through no fault of their own, especially as they age.

I'm not saying this would justify dumbing all your problems on your adult child, but I don't think it's unreasonable for functional adult children to be PART of an emotional support network, especially for people in their 60s, 70s, and 80s. Not doing all the heavy lifting, but being present, providing companionship, sometimes listening to troubles and providing validation and support. The idea that a person is going to be able to maintain a separate support system of same-age people their entire life is just not realistic.

I am sorry your mom has been unable or unwilling to support you in your grief. I have seen a similar dynamic with my MIL and my DH -- she never acknowledges that DH lost his dad and is grieving too. But in her case, she absolutely has siblings nearby and friends who can support her. She's just never been particularly emotionally supportive of DH, even when he was a child, and I think has narcissistic tendencies that lead to her always centering her pain and her experiences. It's not about her being isolated or failing to maintain relationships, it's about how she approaches her relationship with DH, specifically, and the dysfunction in that dynamic.

I don't think it's unrealistic at all to keep or develop your own support system. What if you don't have kids? We all move around and have to find things to do and meet new people and develop new support systems throughout our lives. It's not like you made friends in elementary school and that's it. From my experience the ones who heavily rely on their adult children for emotional support have exhausted their other relationships with their unpleasant or personality disordered or somewhat narcissistic behavior: meaning everybody else has walked away and/or is not picking up the phone. Then the adult kids are there, because they are the last ones to walk away, and as some say, the phone gets blown up because they have no coping skills themselves.

Until you die? And what happens when the members of your same-age support group start to die?

People who don't have kids do have to create other support networks, yes. They also do not spend 20+ years raising kids and don't have relationships with adult kids. So they devote the energy they would have put into parenting into other relationships, and ideally those relationships blossom into a support network. But for people who *do* spend a significant portion of their adult lives raising kids, and especially if they continue to provide emotional and other support to not only their kids but grand kids even after their kids are grown, it may be harder to create a broad network of other relationships to meet 100% of their emotional needs.

I think we all agree it is not okay to expect minor children to support their parents emotionally, and that no adult child should be the primary or sole emotional support for their parents. But I know plenty of functional, healthy families where the adult kids provide some amount of emotional support for parents, especially in their 70s and beyond, in part because it gets harder and harder for people to maintain support like that outside their families as they age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, yes it is. Because it implies that the parent has no-one else to get emotional support from. Nobody starts demanding emotional support from adult children who has a functioning network of about same-aged friends and relatives/siblings, with whom they have kept up functional relationships. Sure, when there's an illness or grieving, it's normal to reach out short-term. The problem becomes when it's expected long-term and/or there's literally nobody else the parent can turn to. Also agree with PP and felt it myself (as did my siblings), that when we lost our dad, it all became about mom's grief. She didn't even realize (at least never verbalized) that we, the adult kids, were also grieving.

The bolded is too severe. It can be hard to maintain a network of same-age emotionally, supportive friends and family as you age. What if your sister has Alzheimer's? What if your closest friends move away to be near their grandkids? People die, get sick, become more distant as they care for a declining spouse or a sick child, etc. Sometimes people wind up somewhat isolated through no fault of their own, especially as they age.

I'm not saying this would justify dumbing all your problems on your adult child, but I don't think it's unreasonable for functional adult children to be PART of an emotional support network, especially for people in their 60s, 70s, and 80s. Not doing all the heavy lifting, but being present, providing companionship, sometimes listening to troubles and providing validation and support. The idea that a person is going to be able to maintain a separate support system of same-age people their entire life is just not realistic.

I am sorry your mom has been unable or unwilling to support you in your grief. I have seen a similar dynamic with my MIL and my DH -- she never acknowledges that DH lost his dad and is grieving too. But in her case, she absolutely has siblings nearby and friends who can support her. She's just never been particularly emotionally supportive of DH, even when he was a child, and I think has narcissistic tendencies that lead to her always centering her pain and her experiences. It's not about her being isolated or failing to maintain relationships, it's about how she approaches her relationship with DH, specifically, and the dysfunction in that dynamic.

I don't think it's unrealistic at all to keep or develop your own support system. What if you don't have kids? We all move around and have to find things to do and meet new people and develop new support systems throughout our lives. It's not like you made friends in elementary school and that's it. From my experience the ones who heavily rely on their adult children for emotional support have exhausted their other relationships with their unpleasant or personality disordered or somewhat narcissistic behavior: meaning everybody else has walked away and/or is not picking up the phone. Then the adult kids are there, because they are the last ones to walk away, and as some say, the phone gets blown up because they have no coping skills themselves.

You seem to be projecting. Whatever crap happened to you is not a universal experience.

Oh, and those who don’t have kids have way more time, money and emotional bandwidth to invest in their other relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't need or expect emotional support. But downright callousness and lack of empathy is pretty frightening.

When my parents were advanced in age, one with serious terminal issues, they were scared. To act as if they should still act like parents is absurd. Sometimes the child needs to provide the comfort.

I think with serious medical issues and related fears one needs professional support. Most of us are not trained in psychology, therapy, medical science etc. etc. Sometimes adult kids start avoiding a parent because they don't know what to do. The elderly parent has high expectations and expects the adult child to solve all their problems and take away the pain... and realistically, it's simply impossible. Then the guilt-tripping starts, making it even more impossible. Unfortunately a lot of elders have not made peace with their mortality and turn excessively selfish and demanding as the end nears.

Your parents aren’t trained in psychology, etc. either, and yet, I bet you have a long list of what they could have done better.

[Anonymous]

Enmeshment sounds like a bunch of psych BS. First they promoted attachment parenting and then they call it enmeshed when actually are attached. WT ever living F? Which is it?

[Anonymous]

There is a fine line between being their emotional support and being there during a difficult time or bad day.

If you never show emotions to your kids and have them learn listening and empathy that is also bad parenting but… if they are your support system that is also bad.

I will call my son and just say hey just distracting myself today since I’m bummed looking for a new job after lay offs. We’ll discuss the weekend or the Olympics or something. Or hey I’m gonna take some space today and watch tv and order food because I had a bad day. I expect something like oh bummer. That’s cool that must suck type of comments, I’m not expecting a full blown sit down support session.

[Anonymous]

Of all are adults and emotionally healthy, support can certainly go both ways. Especially as parents age and their own supports (ir their parents and siblings and spouses) die.