Is it abnormal to seek emotional support from adult child?

[Anonymous]

Yes. It’s enmeshment; a form of emotional abuse.

[Anonymous]

I don't think a young adult child should be an emotional support for a single or divorced parent.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s normal for parents to seek emotional support from their (adult) children, but I do think it’s normal for (adult) children to offer some emotional support when their parents are experiencing trying times. I don’t go to my children with my problems, but they should give a damn about my welfare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s normal for parents to seek emotional support from their (adult) children, but I do think it’s normal for (adult) children to offer some emotional support when their parents are experiencing trying times. I don’t go to my children with my problems, but they should give a damn about my welfare.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. It’s enmeshment; a form of emotional abuse.

Enmeshment is its own thing.

Healthy adult children and their parents can have a more reciprocal and mutually supportive relationship than children have with parents. So many posters are describing unhealthy dynamics in childhood in this thread. I am so thankful that most of the elders in my family lived long and that I had the opportunity to know them well into my adulthood. Having a more equal relationship and one in which I could provide support was meaningful and satisfying to me.

[Anonymous]

Wow I had no idea this wasn't normal.

Ive been the main source of emotional support for my mom since I was 17

[Anonymous]

Not normal beyond an occasional “I’ve had a rough day” and not too often!
Even the old people conplaints are not normal.
My childhood was spent feeling sorry for my father being abused by mother, my teen years were the constant pushback on my mother’s complaints about my “useless” father.

[Anonymous]

No. Not normal

[Anonymous]

Yes normal to an extent.

[Anonymous]

I'm an adult. My mother is very supportive of me, and I don't mind supporting her when she needs it.
She was nervous about something recently, and I gave her a pep talk and tried to make her feel more confident.
And we comforted each other when an older relative passed away recently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. It’s enmeshment; a form of emotional abuse.

Enmeshment is its own thing.

Healthy adult children and their parents can have a more reciprocal and mutually supportive relationship than children have with parents. So many posters are describing unhealthy dynamics in childhood in this thread. I am so thankful that most of the elders in my family lived long and that I had the opportunity to know them well into my adulthood. Having a more equal relationship and one in which I could provide support was meaningful and satisfying to me.

Exactly this.

[Anonymous]

My mother required me to be her emotional support pacifier from about age 3 through much of adulthood. We are not low contact for that reason and many other. I had to agree with her and soothe her exactly how she wanted to be soothed and if I tried to provide another perspective, I would be insulted and/or told off by her. She never learned basic coping skills.

Even if adulthood there is a power differential. I do think in adulthood it might be OK with boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. It’s enmeshment; a form of emotional abuse.

Enmeshment is its own thing.

Healthy adult children and their parents can have a more reciprocal and mutually supportive relationship than children have with parents. So many posters are describing unhealthy dynamics in childhood in this thread. I am so thankful that most of the elders in my family lived long and that I had the opportunity to know them well into my adulthood. Having a more equal relationship and one in which I could provide support was meaningful and satisfying to me.

Agree with this. I have always been close with my parents and siblings and also with my mother's entire family. As adults, we rally around each other when someone is having a tough time. Right now we are all helping each other through the recent loss of my dad.

[Anonymous]

There is a level to this. Some emotional support is normal but it shows in normal interactions with someone you care about. Then there is the level that I bet your parents (and my mom) are like. I would have to talk her down from panic attacks because she has major health anxiety and if I didn't answer, she would blow up my phone. Whenever there is an issue with a friend, she calls me. When my dad was extremely ill, she tried to use me as her emotional support person to vent to about him. I had to shut that one down and she was incredibly angry about that.

I don't go to my mom for any emotional support and I haven't since grade school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, yes it is. Because it implies that the parent has no-one else to get emotional support from. Nobody starts demanding emotional support from adult children who has a functioning network of about same-aged friends and relatives/siblings, with whom they have kept up functional relationships. Sure, when there's an illness or grieving, it's normal to reach out short-term. The problem becomes when it's expected long-term and/or there's literally nobody else the parent can turn to. Also agree with PP and felt it myself (as did my siblings), that when we lost our dad, it all became about mom's grief. She didn't even realize (at least never verbalized) that we, the adult kids, were also grieving.

The bolded is too severe. It can be hard to maintain a network of same-age emotionally, supportive friends and family as you age. What if your sister has Alzheimer's? What if your closest friends move away to be near their grandkids? People die, get sick, become more distant as they care for a declining spouse or a sick child, etc. Sometimes people wind up somewhat isolated through no fault of their own, especially as they age.

I'm not saying this would justify dumbing all your problems on your adult child, but I don't think it's unreasonable for functional adult children to be PART of an emotional support network, especially for people in their 60s, 70s, and 80s. Not doing all the heavy lifting, but being present, providing companionship, sometimes listening to troubles and providing validation and support. The idea that a person is going to be able to maintain a separate support system of same-age people their entire life is just not realistic.

I am sorry your mom has been unable or unwilling to support you in your grief. I have seen a similar dynamic with my MIL and my DH -- she never acknowledges that DH lost his dad and is grieving too. But in her case, she absolutely has siblings nearby and friends who can support her. She's just never been particularly emotionally supportive of DH, even when he was a child, and I think has narcissistic tendencies that lead to her always centering her pain and her experiences. It's not about her being isolated or failing to maintain relationships, it's about how she approaches her relationship with DH, specifically, and the dysfunction in that dynamic.