Need help with man-splaining co-worker who is not a man :)

[Anonymous]

Apologies for using a gendered term, but this expression was an easy short cut.

So how do you gracefully handle people like this? My company is very into a nice, graceful/professionalism culture so an overly snarky retort is NOT an option here. Passive aggressive seems to be acceptable, as long as its very subtle.

This co worker in particular really gets to me because she is quite junior to me in hierarchy (2 levels down), younger (which I know shouldn't matter but sure, I guess I'm a bit touchy) and I typically don't find any of her info useful or helpful. Most of what comes out of her mouth is obvious/pointless information which most people would understand I already know. I think this also gets me because it makes me feel insecure because I know I am not as confident when I present my own ideas, and I sit there wondering, "how does she have the gall to confidently drone on like this?' But I also know that part is my issue.

When it's harmless/useless info, I tend to let it go, but occasionally she will cross into lecturing about areas where she clearly has little to no knowledge, and where I do have experience. Recently, in one of those moments, I clapped back.

No flames please. But thoughtful advice appreciated.

[Anonymous]

My thoughtful advice is that your sensitivity is high. The "no flames please" is a sign of weakness. Do you send signals or vibes like this at work? If so, this is an open door for an assertive or aggressive junior to fill your space with herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apologies for using a gendered term, but this expression was an easy short cut.

So how do you gracefully handle people like this? My company is very into a nice, graceful/professionalism culture so an overly snarky retort is NOT an option here. Passive aggressive seems to be acceptable, as long as its very subtle.

This co worker in particular really gets to me because she is quite junior to me in hierarchy (2 levels down), younger (which I know shouldn't matter but sure, I guess I'm a bit touchy) and I typically don't find any of her info useful or helpful. Most of what comes out of her mouth is obvious/pointless information which most people would understand I already know. I think this also gets me because it makes me feel insecure because I know I am not as confident when I present my own ideas, and I sit there wondering, "how does she have the gall to confidently drone on like this?' But I also know that part is my issue.

When it's harmless/useless info, I tend to let it go, but occasionally she will cross into lecturing about areas where she clearly has little to no knowledge, and where I do have experience. Recently, in one of those moments, I clapped back.

No flames please. But thoughtful advice appreciated.

OP are you speaking of group settings, such as in meetings? Or is she speaking to you this way one on one?

If in group setting, I would cut her off mid paragraph and say, "Janet, thank you for these thoughts; I think we're all aware of blah blah blah. In the interest of respecting everyone's time here, I would like to keep this conversation on track and go back to discussing real solutions for this problem."

She won't say another word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My thoughtful advice is that your sensitivity is high. The "no flames please" is a sign of weakness. Do you send signals or vibes like this at work? If so, this is an open door for an assertive or aggressive junior to fill your space with herself.

Agreed.

I would say that you should pick your battles. Take one time when she's talking about something where you have experience. Say something like, "Yes. This is something I dealt with last year when I did X with Y client." Or, "True. Our dealings with Z gave me a lot of experience with this."

Don't do it every time she opens her mouth. Just when it matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologies for using a gendered term, but this expression was an easy short cut.

So how do you gracefully handle people like this? My company is very into a nice, graceful/professionalism culture so an overly snarky retort is NOT an option here. Passive aggressive seems to be acceptable, as long as its very subtle.

This co worker in particular really gets to me because she is quite junior to me in hierarchy (2 levels down), younger (which I know shouldn't matter but sure, I guess I'm a bit touchy) and I typically don't find any of her info useful or helpful. Most of what comes out of her mouth is obvious/pointless information which most people would understand I already know. I think this also gets me because it makes me feel insecure because I know I am not as confident when I present my own ideas, and I sit there wondering, "how does she have the gall to confidently drone on like this?' But I also know that part is my issue.

When it's harmless/useless info, I tend to let it go, but occasionally she will cross into lecturing about areas where she clearly has little to no knowledge, and where I do have experience. Recently, in one of those moments, I clapped back.

No flames please. But thoughtful advice appreciated.

OP are you speaking of group settings, such as in meetings? Or is she speaking to you this way one on one?

If in group setting, I would cut her off mid paragraph and say, "Janet, thank you for these thoughts; I think we're all aware of blah blah blah. In the interest of respecting everyone's time here, I would like to keep this conversation on track and go back to discussing real solutions for this problem."

She won't say another word.

It's both. She will do this in meetings, but also one on one. And it drives me NUTS

[Anonymous]

Just grow a spine and cut her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My thoughtful advice is that your sensitivity is high. The "no flames please" is a sign of weakness. Do you send signals or vibes like this at work? If so, this is an open door for an assertive or aggressive junior to fill your space with herself.

Op here. Yes, I think you're right. As I mentioned, I worry I come across as not confident and so someone like her moves in to fill the space. Admittedly she does this in groups as well, so it's not entirely personal to me.

I posted 'no flames' because I've noticed there are some cranks (one crank?) on this job board and people who give genuinely terrible, unrealistic advice. Guess that's DCUM in general but the stakes are higher here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologies for using a gendered term, but this expression was an easy short cut.

So how do you gracefully handle people like this? My company is very into a nice, graceful/professionalism culture so an overly snarky retort is NOT an option here. Passive aggressive seems to be acceptable, as long as its very subtle.

This co worker in particular really gets to me because she is quite junior to me in hierarchy (2 levels down), younger (which I know shouldn't matter but sure, I guess I'm a bit touchy) and I typically don't find any of her info useful or helpful. Most of what comes out of her mouth is obvious/pointless information which most people would understand I already know. I think this also gets me because it makes me feel insecure because I know I am not as confident when I present my own ideas, and I sit there wondering, "how does she have the gall to confidently drone on like this?' But I also know that part is my issue.

When it's harmless/useless info, I tend to let it go, but occasionally she will cross into lecturing about areas where she clearly has little to no knowledge, and where I do have experience. Recently, in one of those moments, I clapped back.

No flames please. But thoughtful advice appreciated.

OP are you speaking of group settings, such as in meetings? Or is she speaking to you this way one on one?

If in group setting, I would cut her off mid paragraph and say, "Janet, thank you for these thoughts; I think we're all aware of blah blah blah. In the interest of respecting everyone's time here, I would like to keep this conversation on track and go back to discussing real solutions for this problem."

She won't say another word.

Why so aggressive? If she is a jr employee that just seems rude and petty and like you lack confidence. There are much better ways to address and out of place comment (including having some grace for a younger employee who may not understand she is overstepping.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologies for using a gendered term, but this expression was an easy short cut.

So how do you gracefully handle people like this? My company is very into a nice, graceful/professionalism culture so an overly snarky retort is NOT an option here. Passive aggressive seems to be acceptable, as long as its very subtle.

This co worker in particular really gets to me because she is quite junior to me in hierarchy (2 levels down), younger (which I know shouldn't matter but sure, I guess I'm a bit touchy) and I typically don't find any of her info useful or helpful. Most of what comes out of her mouth is obvious/pointless information which most people would understand I already know. I think this also gets me because it makes me feel insecure because I know I am not as confident when I present my own ideas, and I sit there wondering, "how does she have the gall to confidently drone on like this?' But I also know that part is my issue.

When it's harmless/useless info, I tend to let it go, but occasionally she will cross into lecturing about areas where she clearly has little to no knowledge, and where I do have experience. Recently, in one of those moments, I clapped back.

No flames please. But thoughtful advice appreciated.

OP are you speaking of group settings, such as in meetings? Or is she speaking to you this way one on one?

If in group setting, I would cut her off mid paragraph and say, "Janet, thank you for these thoughts; I think we're all aware of blah blah blah. In the interest of respecting everyone's time here, I would like to keep this conversation on track and go back to discussing real solutions for this problem."

She won't say another word.

It's both. She will do this in meetings, but also one on one. And it drives me NUTS

Why does it drive you nuts? Is she incorrect or going on a tangent?

[Anonymous]

Years ago, I did this to a boss. Everything was so new to me and it felt like my head was exploding with so much information. I felt so smart and assumed these things had to be new to people, especially those who didn't appear as confident as me. I shudder with embarrassment just remembering. I was young, naive, and thought my little bit of new information that made my world crack open in awe was old news to this particular boss.

The boss handled it with grace, but I was quickly moved to another position where I was in over my head and put through the paces by someone who was professional, but far less patient than that first boss.

I would do as the PP suggested, re: cut her off.

[Anonymous]

Flatter her and listen. Compliment her ideas. You will win a follower at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologies for using a gendered term, but this expression was an easy short cut.

So how do you gracefully handle people like this? My company is very into a nice, graceful/professionalism culture so an overly snarky retort is NOT an option here. Passive aggressive seems to be acceptable, as long as its very subtle.

This co worker in particular really gets to me because she is quite junior to me in hierarchy (2 levels down), younger (which I know shouldn't matter but sure, I guess I'm a bit touchy) and I typically don't find any of her info useful or helpful. Most of what comes out of her mouth is obvious/pointless information which most people would understand I already know. I think this also gets me because it makes me feel insecure because I know I am not as confident when I present my own ideas, and I sit there wondering, "how does she have the gall to confidently drone on like this?' But I also know that part is my issue.

When it's harmless/useless info, I tend to let it go, but occasionally she will cross into lecturing about areas where she clearly has little to no knowledge, and where I do have experience. Recently, in one of those moments, I clapped back.

No flames please. But thoughtful advice appreciated.

OP are you speaking of group settings, such as in meetings? Or is she speaking to you this way one on one?

If in group setting, I would cut her off mid paragraph and say, "Janet, thank you for these thoughts; I think we're all aware of blah blah blah. In the interest of respecting everyone's time here, I would like to keep this conversation on track and go back to discussing real solutions for this problem."

She won't say another word.

Why so aggressive? If she is a jr employee that just seems rude and petty and like you lack confidence. There are much better ways to address and out of place comment (including having some grace for a younger employee who may not understand she is overstepping.)

Then what would you have OP do? I agree with the PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Flatter her and listen. Compliment her ideas. You will win a follower at work.

Yeah, no. That personality had to be reined in. Otherwise she will think she is getting confirmation that she is smarter than the boss, and potentially everyone else.

[Anonymous]

I would tune her out for the generalist concepts and for my areas of expertise, I would remind her that I have specific knowledge of that topic and don't need a refresher.

My guess, OP, is that she has autism and cannot read people. This is will hurt her all her life, whereas you are already successful and established.

[Anonymous]

Does she have a supervisor or mentor you’d be comfortable sharing this constructive feedback with? Obviously you wouldn’t frame it as you being overly sensitive or not confident.

Otherwise, just politely but definitively say, “Yes, Larla, I know” when she does this. You can cut her off or you can wait til she’s done. Say it like you’d say it to an enthusiastic toddler who thinks they’re breaking some exciting info to you that’s really just news to them. Occasionally you can add, “I’m glad you know about that” or “It’s good you know about that.” Like you’re patting her on the head for the bone she brought you.

In the meantime, work on your confidence!