Need help with man-splaining co-worker who is not a man :)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Flatter her and listen. Compliment her ideas. You will win a follower at work.

Disagree. I think this will inflate her ego even more and make the situation worse. (NP)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I would tune her out for the generalist concepts and for my areas of expertise, I would remind her that I have specific knowledge of that topic and don't need a refresher.

My guess, OP, is that she has autism and cannot read people. This is will hurt her all her life, whereas you are already successful and established.

Oh, please.

No, she is young and inexperienced. That is not a medical condition that requires the diagnosis of a DCUM keyboard warrior.

Tuning her out will not help. The PP gave good language. OP needs to step up, speak out and nicely remind her of her place. OP even said passive aggressive language is welcome.

[Anonymous]

When it's one on one, just smile at her like she's stupid but well-meaning and say "Yes McKenzie, I've worked on CSS for several years now, but thanks." And then turn away or walk away or redirect the conversation.

[Anonymous]

You are between a rock and a hard place. You have to either learn to let it go OR accept that if you try to correct she will think you are a bitter older lady who is jealous of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Years ago, I did this to a boss. Everything was so new to me and it felt like my head was exploding with so much information. I felt so smart and assumed these things had to be new to people, especially those who didn't appear as confident as me. I shudder with embarrassment just remembering. I was young, naive, and thought my little bit of new information that made my world crack open in awe was old news to this particular boss.

The boss handled it with grace, but I was quickly moved to another position where I was in over my head and put through the paces by someone who was professional, but far less patient than that first boss.

I would do as the PP suggested, re: cut her off.

Yes me too. Many people have a "puppy" phase. You learn from people cutting you off - if you have EQ. This is what I call "corporate kabuki". What irritates you may or may not bother other people.

Don't be rude, but it's generally harmless for older employees to rein in younger employees.

If you can't stand glossy yammering people getting ahead, re-read some Dilbert and face reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologies for using a gendered term, but this expression was an easy short cut.

So how do you gracefully handle people like this? My company is very into a nice, graceful/professionalism culture so an overly snarky retort is NOT an option here. Passive aggressive seems to be acceptable, as long as its very subtle.

This co worker in particular really gets to me because she is quite junior to me in hierarchy (2 levels down), younger (which I know shouldn't matter but sure, I guess I'm a bit touchy) and I typically don't find any of her info useful or helpful. Most of what comes out of her mouth is obvious/pointless information which most people would understand I already know. I think this also gets me because it makes me feel insecure because I know I am not as confident when I present my own ideas, and I sit there wondering, "how does she have the gall to confidently drone on like this?' But I also know that part is my issue.

When it's harmless/useless info, I tend to let it go, but occasionally she will cross into lecturing about areas where she clearly has little to no knowledge, and where I do have experience. Recently, in one of those moments, I clapped back.

No flames please. But thoughtful advice appreciated.

OP are you speaking of group settings, such as in meetings? Or is she speaking to you this way one on one?

If in group setting, I would cut her off mid paragraph and say, "Janet, thank you for these thoughts; I think we're all aware of blah blah blah. In the interest of respecting everyone's time here, I would like to keep this conversation on track and go back to discussing real solutions for this problem."

She won't say another word.

Why so aggressive? If she is a jr employee that just seems rude and petty and like you lack confidence. There are much better ways to address and out of place comment (including having some grace for a younger employee who may not understand she is overstepping.)

Then what would you have OP do? I agree with the PP.

Ignore it or gently redirect if it is off topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Flatter her and listen. Compliment her ideas. You will win a follower at work.

Yeah, no. That personality had to be reined in. Otherwise she will think she is getting confirmation that she is smarter than the boss, and potentially everyone else.

Huh? Why do you care what she thinks about herself? That is none of your business unless you have a personality disorder of your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Flatter her and listen. Compliment her ideas. You will win a follower at work.

Yeah, no. That personality had to be reined in. Otherwise she will think she is getting confirmation that she is smarter than the boss, and potentially everyone else.

Huh? Why do you care what she thinks about herself? That is none of your business unless you have a personality disorder of your own.

Are you the young employee OP is referring to? You sound like a lot.

[Anonymous]

I worked with someone like this and it's incredibly annoying. Also a woman. It was such an issue that my husband and I actually started referring to this behavior as [her name]-splaining instead of mansplaining because she's the worst offender I've ever encountered.

In my case this person was senior to me, though, so I could say nothing. Even when the stuff she was "explaining" were totally unrelated to work (they were rarely related to work).

I still don't know how to deal with this other than to just try and ignore it. That's what I did, and then eventually changed jobs (for other reasons but I was very happy to get away from this behavior).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Years ago, I did this to a boss. Everything was so new to me and it felt like my head was exploding with so much information. I felt so smart and assumed these things had to be new to people, especially those who didn't appear as confident as me. I shudder with embarrassment just remembering. I was young, naive, and thought my little bit of new information that made my world crack open in awe was old news to this particular boss.

The boss handled it with grace, but I was quickly moved to another position where I was in over my head and put through the paces by someone who was professional, but far less patient than that first boss.

I would do as the PP suggested, re: cut her off.

Yes me too. Many people have a "puppy" phase. You learn from people cutting you off - if you have EQ. This is what I call "corporate kabuki". What irritates you may or may not bother other people.

Don't be rude, but it's generally harmless for older employees to rein in younger employees.

If you can't stand glossy yammering people getting ahead, re-read some Dilbert and face reality.

I think the subtext could also be that OP is legitimately threatened by a younger woman acting in ways she does not permit herself to act. It would be pretty toxic to try to hurt a younger coworker for that reason, for what really is (at worst) a faux pas.

I have empathy for her because I have always worked in knowledge-intensive environments where learning an immense amount in a short time is required. Some people learn and process information by talking about it and by having conversations that may seem naive or presumptuous to others. But this is how they are getting their arms around the issue. And I have often also found that many people who have been around for longer than me or are above me actually have big gaps in their knowledge - because it is impossible to know everything in these fields and also sometimes because they have not kept up. Yes I have also had to learn how to keep these discussions to where they belong, but silencing and humiliating a young new female jr employee trying to learn seems like a frankly sh*t maneuver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Flatter her and listen. Compliment her ideas. You will win a follower at work.

Yeah, no. That personality had to be reined in. Otherwise she will think she is getting confirmation that she is smarter than the boss, and potentially everyone else.

Huh? Why do you care what she thinks about herself? That is none of your business unless you have a personality disorder of your own.

Are you the young employee OP is referring to? You sound like a lot.

No, I’m just not a psychopath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Flatter her and listen. Compliment her ideas. You will win a follower at work.

Disagree. I think this will inflate her ego even more and make the situation worse. (NP)

+1, this will just encourage it.

She needs to realize that she is literally explaining basic things to more experienced people, wasting her time and theirs. She doesn't yet realize this, which is embarrassing for her. She needs to be gently made to understand this so that she shuts up and actually learns something instead of wandering around thinking she's some kind of savant instead of what she actually is -- an extremely green recent grad with limited self-awareness.

One day she will look back on this behavior and cringe incredibly hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Years ago, I did this to a boss. Everything was so new to me and it felt like my head was exploding with so much information. I felt so smart and assumed these things had to be new to people, especially those who didn't appear as confident as me. I shudder with embarrassment just remembering. I was young, naive, and thought my little bit of new information that made my world crack open in awe was old news to this particular boss.

The boss handled it with grace, but I was quickly moved to another position where I was in over my head and put through the paces by someone who was professional, but far less patient than that first boss.

I would do as the PP suggested, re: cut her off.

Yes me too. Many people have a "puppy" phase. You learn from people cutting you off - if you have EQ. This is what I call "corporate kabuki". What irritates you may or may not bother other people.

Don't be rude, but it's generally harmless for older employees to rein in younger employees.

If you can't stand glossy yammering people getting ahead, re-read some Dilbert and face reality.

I think the subtext could also be that OP is legitimately threatened by a younger woman acting in ways she does not permit herself to act. It would be pretty toxic to try to hurt a younger coworker for that reason, for what really is (at worst) a faux pas.

I have empathy for her because I have always worked in knowledge-intensive environments where learning an immense amount in a short time is required. Some people learn and process information by talking about it and by having conversations that may seem naive or presumptuous to others. But this is how they are getting their arms around the issue. And I have often also found that many people who have been around for longer than me or are above me actually have big gaps in their knowledge - because it is impossible to know everything in these fields and also sometimes because they have not kept up. Yes I have also had to learn how to keep these discussions to where they belong, but silencing and humiliating a young new female jr employee trying to learn seems like a frankly sh*t maneuver.

Why would OP be threatened by a young coworker who lacks the self-awareness to realize she is explaining basic information to people with lots more experience?

I'm sure OP has gaps in her knowledge but she is unlikely to fill them by wasting time listening to someone who knows even less.

I work in an extremely "knowledge-intensive" job and this would drive me nuts because it's a waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just grow a spine and cut her off.

Or better yet, grow some balls you wuss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologies for using a gendered term, but this expression was an easy short cut.

So how do you gracefully handle people like this? My company is very into a nice, graceful/professionalism culture so an overly snarky retort is NOT an option here. Passive aggressive seems to be acceptable, as long as its very subtle.

This co worker in particular really gets to me because she is quite junior to me in hierarchy (2 levels down), younger (which I know shouldn't matter but sure, I guess I'm a bit touchy) and I typically don't find any of her info useful or helpful. Most of what comes out of her mouth is obvious/pointless information which most people would understand I already know. I think this also gets me because it makes me feel insecure because I know I am not as confident when I present my own ideas, and I sit there wondering, "how does she have the gall to confidently drone on like this?' But I also know that part is my issue.

When it's harmless/useless info, I tend to let it go, but occasionally she will cross into lecturing about areas where she clearly has little to no knowledge, and where I do have experience. Recently, in one of those moments, I clapped back.

No flames please. But thoughtful advice appreciated.

OP are you speaking of group settings, such as in meetings? Or is she speaking to you this way one on one?

If in group setting, I would cut her off mid paragraph and say, "Janet, thank you for these thoughts; I think we're all aware of blah blah blah. In the interest of respecting everyone's time here, I would like to keep this conversation on track and go back to discussing real solutions for this problem."

She won't say another word.

It's both. She will do this in meetings, but also one on one. And it drives me NUTS

Why does it drive you nuts? Is she incorrect or going on a tangent?

DP but I also find this behavior aggravating, because it's condescending to have someone explains something basic to you. I think this problem has gotten worse in recent years because YouTube, TikTok, and social media generally encourages people to style themselves as "explainer experts." Lots of lay people explaining very basic crap with enormous confidence and authority, and this leaks out into real life where a lot of people adopt this same posture. People want to be praised for knowing literally anything.