Post Infidelity Anger

[Anonymous]

If your spouse cheated- How did you put the anger and hatred in the rear view mirror to actually smile and live again?

It’s been years and multiple counselors, but I still resent life. I hate myself, my WW, the AP that was close-ish to our family, God and the acquaintances that were just fine keeping the secret. I need it to end, because I am sick of it defining my life. Every day is a painful reminder that my life has been and continues to be a long list of responsibilities and a loveless, lonely, waste of 52 years.

[Anonymous]

One day at a time. Consciously forgive all the people you're angry with. Not because what they did was okay (it wasn't), or because you want to be in some kind of relationship with/to them still (you don't have to do that at all), but so that you can break the connections and ties you have to them and move on with your life without resentments.

This is a daily practice you'll get better at, not a one-and-done. You will need to catch yourself ruminating, validate your feelings, and consciously choose to let it/them go. "It makes sense that I'm furious Steve broke his vows, and I choose to forgive Steve so that I'm no longer tied to these bad memories." Rinse and repeat. You may need to do this 100 times a day at first, but it gets easier with time and the resentments get lighter. They'll still be around if you want to pick them up later, but you can change the habit of clinging to your anger and rehashing the pain.

If you want the kicker, pray for good things for them. If you can't do that, rejoice in the fact that idiots curse themselves with their crapass behavior. Somedays I do both.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes these things can’t be fixed. If you can’t get over this you may want to consider divorce. No one would blame you.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, it doesnt go away until you leave. Then the anger, anxiety, cynicism, despair lifts and you start feeling good things- happy, relaxed, hopeful, positivity. But because you havent felt them in so long, they all feel amplified in such a beautiful way you cant believe you let your baseline get so low and out of whack. Im 4.5 years post discovery, 2 years from leaving and life is GOOD

[Anonymous]

If it really has been years and multiple counselors, it may be time to leave. Leaving a broken marriage is not a tragedy, especially since you are not the one who irrevocably broke it. You are so hurt and in so much pain op but I hope that you can find peace and a path forward.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if you are angry with yourself for staying, OP? I’m sure you had good reason to stay initially, but now that you have tried and tried to make it work and you are still angry (for good reason!) I feel like some of this is anger turned inward. Especially if you feel your whole life is wasted because your spouse is a cheating PoS.

That doesn’t mean that YOU are a failure and that our life is over. It’s jus going to look very different than you thought it would. Go get that better life. You can do it.

[Anonymous]

It happened with me because I didn't treat my ex-bf in a good way and before meeting him, someone like him is all I prayed for. I thought I was angry at him but it was more towards myself and how I treated him. It has been more than 4+ years, I have dated but noone comes close to him. I didn't see it while we were together but what I did was very toxic and abusive and it wasn't infidelity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, it doesnt go away until you leave. Then the anger, anxiety, cynicism, despair lifts and you start feeling good things- happy, relaxed, hopeful, positivity. But because you havent felt them in so long, they all feel amplified in such a beautiful way you cant believe you let your baseline get so low and out of whack. Im 4.5 years post discovery, 2 years from leaving and life is GOOD

+100
This is your only viable option OP.

If you have not removed yourself from the situation & are still married to the person who hurt you, etc. then you will not heal.

Healing emotionally means removing that toxic person from your daily life and moving your focus on something else…..or someONE else ▶️ Y-O-U!

By remaining complacent however will disable you from getting ahead.

[Anonymous]

Divorce
You won’t be able to get over that betrayal.

[Anonymous]

Cheat on him and then leave. Forget what people say about getting even not fixing anything. You're going to feel a lot better when you hit this ball back over the net into his side of the court and then end the game.

[Anonymous]

Because I was relieved to have a real reason to end it.

I did not look at it as cheating on me, I looked at it as this person has issues and they act out by cheating and that is not about me and nothing I can change... just like addiction.

I actually wasn't mad it was like the missing piece that explained other unexplainable things.

I have my job, my kids, my friends, my hobbies and my family. These things are not meaningless or loveless.

I'm beyond happy, happier than most my married friends.

Those people have issues, hold them at an arm's length and take the opening as room for better people in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheat on him and then leave. Forget what people say about getting even not fixing anything. You're going to feel a lot better when you hit this ball back over the net into his side of the court and then end the game.

I always wonder about the logic of these dumb revenge cheat boosters.

What kind of person do you think is willing to sleep with a depressed married man?
Why would you drag a third party into all of your baggage?
Why would you prolong the inevitable when you have already wasted years of your life in this marriage?
And what are you going to tell a future partner when you explain how your marriage ended?
Do you think a high quality person will want to be with a vengeful cheater after OP is ready to be in a relationship again?

Get out of the marriage with your integrity and your head held high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because I was relieved to have a real reason to end it.

I did not look at it as cheating on me, I looked at it as this person has issues and they act out by cheating and that is not about me and nothing I can change... just like addiction.

I actually wasn't mad it was like the missing piece that explained other unexplainable things.

I have my job, my kids, my friends, my hobbies and my family. These things are not meaningless or loveless.

I'm beyond happy, happier than most my married friends.

Those people have issues, hold them at an arm's length and take the opening as room for better people in your life.

The bolded- yes. Not once did I blame myself or get blamed. I make my own $, I’m kind, funny, beautiful and we were still having sex multiple times a week. I am a great mother, was a great wife, friend, etc.

It was a “him” issue. Fully dysfunctional upbringing/childhood, drinking issues, inner self-esteem issues….needed extraordinary amounts of validation from someone he considered “beneath him”- hero complex.

I don’t do “forgive the betrayal/cheaters.” I never would forgive that- it feels like condoning it. I also enjoy massive schaudenfreude watching the bad things happen to the cheaters as a result of their poor character.

Time. Time. Lots of time.

And no- cheating yourself would sink you to their level. It’s not in my bones or character. And NOT having cheated or stooped to that level allows one to keep that head held high.

There are serious mental and/or character issues that allow someone to continually lie to someone’s face or help destroy another person’s family. Period.

[Anonymous]

You hold an ace in your pocket. You now have the upper hand in the marriage. You have zero fkks to give. Own it and enjoy it !!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You hold an ace in your pocket. You now have the upper hand in the marriage. You have zero fkks to give. Own it and enjoy it !!

Get a solid post-nup agreement while you are at it !