Boyfriend’s sister keeps taking my belongings

[Anonymous]

I’m 25, my boyfriend is 27, and his 19 year old sister, who attends college in state often likes coming to mine or my boyfriend’s house on weekends.

We do have fun and generally get along but She very often borrows items of mine (mostly doesn’t bring them back) & takes things without permission. After a visit to my house, I noticed my coat missing; no one else had taken it (we wear the same size) and I later found out she took it. This isn’t isolated — she regularly takes my belongings without asking and doesn’t return them unless prompted, and there are multiple items she still hasn’t given back. If I leave anything she likes at my boyfriend’s house, she takes and uses it without permission. She’s taken my perfume (eventually returned, mostly used), some very nice shampoo/conditioner, and once took a bag without permission. She’s also taken an entire case of *alcoholic drinks without asking. When I’ve asked about these things, she lies. We’re currently on vacation with my boyfriend’s family since New Year’s Eve and this same behavior is happening on this trip.

I talked to my boyfriend about this, and he said this might just be a misunderstanding and to not make it a bigger issue because it’s not a very big deal. Im less upset about the items, than the pattern of taking things & lying. I’m don’t know how to handle this appropriately, whether this should be addressed with her, whether my boyfriend should be the one to handle it, or if his minimizing of this is the bigger concern and what I should do about it.

[Anonymous]

You need to break up with him. He's minimizing theft of your stuff. He's minimizing how you feel about it. This will be your future. Imagine having kids with a man like that. Dump him and it solves the sister issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I’m 25, my boyfriend is 27, and his 19 year old sister, who attends college in state often likes coming to mine or my boyfriend’s house on weekends.

We do have fun and generally get along but She very often borrows items of mine (mostly doesn’t bring them back) & takes things without permission. After a visit to my house, I noticed my coat missing; no one else had taken it (we wear the same size) and I later found out she took it. This isn’t isolated — she regularly takes my belongings without asking and doesn’t return them unless prompted, and there are multiple items she still hasn’t given back. If I leave anything she likes at my boyfriend’s house, she takes and uses it without permission. She’s taken my perfume (eventually returned, mostly used), some very nice shampoo/conditioner, and once took a bag without permission. She’s also taken an entire case of *alcoholic drinks without asking. When I’ve asked about these things, she lies. We’re currently on vacation with my boyfriend’s family since New Year’s Eve and this same behavior is happening on this trip.

I talked to my boyfriend about this, and he said this might just be a misunderstanding and to not make it a bigger issue because it’s not a very big deal. Im less upset about the items, than the pattern of taking things & lying. I’m don’t know how to handle this appropriately, whether this should be addressed with her, whether my boyfriend should be the one to handle it, or if his minimizing of this is the bigger concern and what I should do about it.

This is a thing for GenZ. They just see stuff as communal.

[Anonymous]

Red Flag.

Move on and end this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to break up with him. He's minimizing theft of your stuff. He's minimizing how you feel about it. This will be your future. Imagine having kids with a man like that. Dump him and it solves the sister issue.

If you can’t muster up the backbone to say “Joanna, don’t take or borrow and of my things.” Then yes, break up. +1

[Anonymous]

WHAT? What is NOT OK. My daughter takes my stuff just like I took stuff from my mother, but this is tolerated good-humoredly in our family. She would never take stuff without permission from anyone else.

I think you need to move on from this relationship and tell him exactly why.

[Anonymous]

She's probably got some sort of problem...really selfish, a klepto, envies you, etc.

I don't think it's totally your boyfriend's issue because you are treating her like a friend.

One end run might be to ask their mother about it.

If she doesn't stop, don't do things with her anymore.

[Anonymous]

Have you spoken directly to her about it?

[Anonymous]

OP here — to clarify: I’ve addressed this with her multiple times, usually after items went missing, but she continued to do it. Each time she became defensive, denied it, and promised it wouldn’t happen again. When I confronted her about taking the drinks, she became very upset and cried, and I told her I would tell her parents that she stole drinks if she took drinks again. She has not taken drinks again since, but she continues to take other items. Most of what she takes are things I’ve left at my boyfriend’s place; I don’t let her be alone in my home anymore, so lately hasn’t taken anything from mine super recently. We’ve only been dating 7-8ish months.

[Anonymous]

You should drop him

He will probably be caring for her when she gets old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here — to clarify: I’ve addressed this with her multiple times, usually after items went missing, but she continued to do it. Each time she became defensive, denied it, and promised it wouldn’t happen again. When I confronted her about taking the drinks, she became very upset and cried, and I told her I would tell her parents that she stole drinks if she took drinks again. She has not taken drinks again since, but she continues to take other items. Most of what she takes are things I’ve left at my boyfriend’s place; I don’t let her be alone in my home anymore, so lately hasn’t taken anything from mine super recently. We’ve only been dating 7-8ish months.

I think you should tell her that if she ever takes anything from you ever again, you will tell her parents (keep a running list). And suggest that if there's something wrong in her life that she needs to talk to someone about, her college probably has a mental health help center, or she can ask for a therapist.

[Anonymous]

It's time to end the relationship. Things won't change.

[Anonymous]

Don't have her come to your house, period.

[Anonymous]

It’s generally the mil taking this stuff. Interesting it’s his sister. You know you need to set some boundaries and stop going to places where she will be.

[Anonymous]

Put up cameras or end it with him