Is there a word to describe this parent-child relationship?

[Anonymous]

Going through a rough divorce and STBX DH just does not understand normal child development and it shows in his expectations of our child. Our tween is starting to be very independent and has a happy social life an extracurriculars that they have gotten a lot of support and confidence from during such a difficult time. STBX was never close to DC and disengaged from their activities and friends. Now they’re freaking out and mad when DC has obligations or wants to do social things. STBX insists that any of the time spent doing these things should revert to additional custody time to him because “DC’s priority should be time with their dad.”

I disagree and think that the last priority of a healthily developing 12 year old should be their parents. I think that social time and time spend developing new skills and interacting with others is much more important at their age. I don’t expect my Dc to prioritize me. In fact, it would be weird if my DC was sitting at home with me when they could be having friends over or learning something new. It feels like it’s time for DC to spread their wings, and my job is to feed them and drive them around.

Is there a word for the kind of parent-child relationship DH is expecting? It seems like a really unhealthy dynamic to me but I don’t know how to succinctly describe it to my therapist.

[Anonymous]

Has nothing to do with his relationship to the kid. It's his relationship with you and the need to "win" and own "his time."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has nothing to do with his relationship to the kid. It's his relationship with you and the need to "win" and own "his time."

Even if this is stuff happening outside of “his time”?. He seems to think that if DC has time with me that DC spends doing extracurriculars or going to sleepovers that this should instead be time for them to be together and “bond”. It’s so weird. I don’t know a 12 year old who wants to just sit around with their dad and I don’t know where he got the idea that this is how it should work.

[Anonymous]

What is the current custody arrangement?

I think there's a difference between custody and visitation here.

If a kid is living in two households, and dividing time between them equally or close to equally, then each household needs to make decisions about activities and social opportunities for their house, with some coordination about things that commit both houses (e.g. a sports teams). There needs to be a recognition that different households have different comfort levels with the amount of time kids spend on different things.

If a kid has one parent with custody and one parent with limited visitation, let's say once a week, and the custodial parent schedules something that interferes with that one visit, then either the event or the parenting time should be rescheduled. So, if your kid sees Dad on Friday nights, and only Friday nights, but this week their BFF's birthday party is a sleepover on Friday, then he gets Saturday or to pick up the kid for a midweek dinner.

[Anonymous]

So to answer the time above, he has visitation and I have legal custody. I know the terms vary by state but it means DC is with me more time, and this is for specific reasons that have to do with bad things STBX did. STBX is not complaining about things that impact his time but rather how DC is spending their time when they’re not with him. It is not impacting his visitation time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So to answer the time above, he has visitation and I have legal custody. I know the terms vary by state but it means DC is with me more time, and this is for specific reasons that have to do with bad things STBX did. STBX is not complaining about things that impact his time but rather how DC is spending their time when they’re not with him. It is not impacting his visitation time.

I wrote the PP above.

I was in a similar situation to yours. I had full custody and full decision making, and he had limited supervised visitation.

He has no right to make decisions about what happens on your time. I agree 100% that he's trying to control you.

But his time needs to be seen as a commitment, with a substitute time offered if there's something that really can't be rescheduled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So to answer the time above, he has visitation and I have legal custody. I know the terms vary by state but it means DC is with me more time, and this is for specific reasons that have to do with bad things STBX did. STBX is not complaining about things that impact his time but rather how DC is spending their time when they’re not with him. It is not impacting his visitation time.

I wrote the PP above.

I was in a similar situation to yours. I had full custody and full decision making, and he had limited supervised visitation.

He has no right to make decisions about what happens on your time. I agree 100% that he's trying to control you.

But his time needs to be seen as a commitment, with a substitute time offered if there's something that really can't be rescheduled.

To reiterate: I’m not touching his time. He just thinks that if there is “more free time” then DC should “be there for his dad.” It feels really messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So to answer the time above, he has visitation and I have legal custody. I know the terms vary by state but it means DC is with me more time, and this is for specific reasons that have to do with bad things STBX did. STBX is not complaining about things that impact his time but rather how DC is spending their time when they’re not with him. It is not impacting his visitation time.

I wrote the PP above.

I was in a similar situation to yours. I had full custody and full decision making, and he had limited supervised visitation.

He has no right to make decisions about what happens on your time. I agree 100% that he's trying to control you.

But his time needs to be seen as a commitment, with a substitute time offered if there's something that really can't be rescheduled.

To reiterate: I’m not touching his time. He just thinks that if there is “more free time” then DC should “be there for his dad.” It feels really messed up.

I get that.

If my ex had done that, I know his motivation would have been to avoid me being home alone, with free time that I could use to date. I wasn't dating at that point, I was recovering from an abusive relationship, but he was convinced I was and kept making ridiculous accusations. His goal wouldn't really have been to get the kid, it would have been for me to cancel the playdate, practice etc . . . and keep the kid home where he could supervise.

I would be very clear. What happens on your time is your decision, but you will continue to prioritize his time with the kid(s). I realize that his time isn't the issue, but I'd want those words in the messages so that they can't be used against you in court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So to answer the time above, he has visitation and I have legal custody. I know the terms vary by state but it means DC is with me more time, and this is for specific reasons that have to do with bad things STBX did. STBX is not complaining about things that impact his time but rather how DC is spending their time when they’re not with him. It is not impacting his visitation time.

I wrote the PP above.

I was in a similar situation to yours. I had full custody and full decision making, and he had limited supervised visitation.

He has no right to make decisions about what happens on your time. I agree 100% that he's trying to control you.

But his time needs to be seen as a commitment, with a substitute time offered if there's something that really can't be rescheduled.

To reiterate: I’m not touching his time. He just thinks that if there is “more free time” then DC should “be there for his dad.” It feels really messed up.

I get that.

If my ex had done that, I know his motivation would have been to avoid me being home alone, with free time that I could use to date. I wasn't dating at that point, I was recovering from an abusive relationship, but he was convinced I was and kept making ridiculous accusations. His goal wouldn't really have been to get the kid, it would have been for me to cancel the playdate, practice etc . . . and keep the kid home where he could supervise.

I would be very clear. What happens on your time is your decision, but you will continue to prioritize his time with the kid(s). I realize that his time isn't the issue, but I'd want those words in the messages so that they can't be used against you in court.

Ha, you know the drill. Alienation and withholding have been flung around so I’m constantly on alert to avoid those kinds of things being used against me. Right now I’m always worried about that but more worried about DH trying to use DC for entertainment/moral support/companionship. It seems inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

He sounds mentally rigid, OP. How frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds mentally rigid, OP. How frustrating.

Totally. I think his rigidity and way of thinking have isolated him from other kinds of socializing so everything is getting dumped in DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So to answer the time above, he has visitation and I have legal custody. I know the terms vary by state but it means DC is with me more time, and this is for specific reasons that have to do with bad things STBX did. STBX is not complaining about things that impact his time but rather how DC is spending their time when they’re not with him. It is not impacting his visitation time.

You don’t need to define whatever this relationship is between your ex and your kid. Stop complicating things by trying to analyze it. When your kid is with you, your ex does not get to dictate how you spend it. That’s it. Period.

He can complain in an email or text or parenting app. And you can then delete it. Just because he is complaining does not mean you to engage and respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has nothing to do with his relationship to the kid. It's his relationship with you and the need to "win" and own "his time."

Even if this is stuff happening outside of “his time”?. He seems to think that if DC has time with me that DC spends doing extracurriculars or going to sleepovers that this should instead be time for them to be together and “bond”. It’s so weird. I don’t know a 12 year old who wants to just sit around with their dad and I don’t know where he got the idea that this is how it should work.

PP... oh. Yeah, that's weird and I've literally never heard of that. I thought you meant that he didn't want DC to do sports and activities on dad's custody time. I still doubt it really has to do with the kid. When they are together, do they do meaningful things and does DC enjoy it?

Does dad need to know specifically the times and hours DC spends at activities if they aren't on his time? Who is dad expressing his thoughts to - you or DC or the lawyer? If it's through lawyer I'd have my lawyer write a letter that he is being inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds mentally rigid, OP. How frustrating.

Totally. I think his rigidity and way of thinking have isolated him from other kinds of socializing so everything is getting dumped in DC.

Hmm. Do you think he's on the spectrum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds mentally rigid, OP. How frustrating.

Totally. I think his rigidity and way of thinking have isolated him from other kinds of socializing so everything is getting dumped in DC.

Hmm. Do you think he's on the spectrum?

No, I know he’s on the spectrum!