Is there a word to describe this parent-child relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds mentally rigid, OP. How frustrating.

Totally. I think his rigidity and way of thinking have isolated him from other kinds of socializing so everything is getting dumped in DC.

Hmm. Do you think he's on the spectrum?

No, I know he’s on the spectrum!

Well then, why are you surprised? It's par for the course when they're angry and in denial that they're acting punitively, to somehow follow a logical reasoning to its irrational end and claim something completely crazy, oblivious to the fact that everyone else knows it's crazy and that everyone else is judging them. My husband did that in the first years of our marriage - now he's way less stressed, and hasn't acted out in a really long time.

This has nothing to do with the parent-child relationship. It's not about his child, even though he might claim it is. It's about assuaging his massive anxiety brought on by the failure of his relationships, by asserting control of the decision-making, regardless of who gets hurt or what's actually right to do. He will of course never admit to any of that, because he has zero self-awareness.

I hope his lawyer will beat some sense into him. Stick to your guns.

[Anonymous]

Why does dad know that your kid had a sleepover during your time? You definitely should not tell him this. If your kid is telling him, then just ignore whatever texts you get about this and don’t answer calls from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds mentally rigid, OP. How frustrating.

Totally. I think his rigidity and way of thinking have isolated him from other kinds of socializing so everything is getting dumped in DC.

Hmm. Do you think he's on the spectrum?

No, I know he’s on the spectrum!

Well then, why are you surprised? It's par for the course when they're angry and in denial that they're acting punitively, to somehow follow a logical reasoning to its irrational end and claim something completely crazy, oblivious to the fact that everyone else knows it's crazy and that everyone else is judging them. My husband did that in the first years of our marriage - now he's way less stressed, and hasn't acted out in a really long time.

This has nothing to do with the parent-child relationship. It's not about his child, even though he might claim it is. It's about assuaging his massive anxiety brought on by the failure of his relationships, by asserting control of the decision-making, regardless of who gets hurt or what's actually right to do. He will of course never admit to any of that, because he has zero self-awareness.

I hope his lawyer will beat some sense into him. Stick to your guns.

I just got more out of your post than a ton of therapy. Thank you.

(Not holding out hope for his attorney. She’s a woman who seems to have not picked up his challenges or truth-bending)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going through a rough divorce and STBX DH just does not understand normal child development and it shows in his expectations of our child. Our tween is starting to be very independent and has a happy social life an extracurriculars that they have gotten a lot of support and confidence from during such a difficult time. STBX was never close to DC and disengaged from their activities and friends. Now they’re freaking out and mad when DC has obligations or wants to do social things. STBX insists that any of the time spent doing these things should revert to additional custody time to him because “DC’s priority should be time with their dad.”

I disagree and think that the last priority of a healthily developing 12 year old should be their parents. I think that social time and time spend developing new skills and interacting with others is much more important at their age. I don’t expect my Dc to prioritize me. In fact, it would be weird if my DC was sitting at home with me when they could be having friends over or learning something new. It feels like it’s time for DC to spread their wings, and my job is to feed them and drive them around.

Is there a word for the kind of parent-child relationship DH is expecting? It seems like a really unhealthy dynamic to me but I don’t know how to succinctly describe it to my therapist.

You are setting it up so your child doesn't see them anymore. Its unhealthy to tell your child that everything is more important than their father. You need to set up a custody schedule so you each get time or if you are in favor of activities and friends over parents, set it up so they do those things on your time and not his. He is expecting a relationship with his child, that's not unreasonable.

If child has something they want to attend on his time, its his decision if they go OR you offer to change times so it happens on your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Going through a rough divorce and STBX DH just does not understand normal child development and it shows in his expectations of our child. Our tween is starting to be very independent and has a happy social life an extracurriculars that they have gotten a lot of support and confidence from during such a difficult time. STBX was never close to DC and disengaged from their activities and friends. Now they’re freaking out and mad when DC has obligations or wants to do social things. STBX insists that any of the time spent doing these things should revert to additional custody time to him because “DC’s priority should be time with their dad.”

I disagree and think that the last priority of a healthily developing 12 year old should be their parents. I think that social time and time spend developing new skills and interacting with others is much more important at their age. I don’t expect my Dc to prioritize me. In fact, it would be weird if my DC was sitting at home with me when they could be having friends over or learning something new. It feels like it’s time for DC to spread their wings, and my job is to feed them and drive them around.

Is there a word for the kind of parent-child relationship DH is expecting? It seems like a really unhealthy dynamic to me but I don’t know how to succinctly describe it to my therapist.

You are setting it up so your child doesn't see them anymore. Its unhealthy to tell your child that everything is more important than their father. You need to set up a custody schedule so you each get time or if you are in favor of activities and friends over parents, set it up so they do those things on your time and not his. He is expecting a relationship with his child, that's not unreasonable.

If child has something they want to attend on his time, its his decision if they go OR you offer to change times so it happens on your time.

Re-read. It’s on my time. His time is his time and has been decided legally. He wants the time that Dc is spending on activities during my time to be time DC spends with him. I’m not asking if that time should be changed. Custody evaluators, mental health professionals and judges decided it shouldn’t. I’m asking for a name for the dynamic of his parenting.