How to decide who pays for which family celebrations?
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Anonymous
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My family of 4 moved back to where my side of the family lives three years ago. We get together for almost all family celebrations - all of the birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas. About half of the time, we gather at my or my parents’ house and one or more people bring food, the other half of the time, we eat at a restaurant and one household will foot the bill.
My brother DB1 and SIL have no kids, are quite well off making over 500K/year combined, but always complain they have no money due to home renovations. My other brother DB2 is divorced, makes maybe 125K/year and has one kid. We live in a high COL area and I know DB2 struggles financially. I’ve noticed that DB1 and SIL always end up paying less - they pay for far fewer restaurant meals and when we eat at someone’s house, they contribute maybe a couple sides while DB2 and DH/I will split the bill for the meat we grill. Their being a smaller household is not the issue; DB2 is also a household of 2, and DH/I always pay for our kids’ birthday meals. While this rubs me the wrong way, I used to let it go… until what happened at the last birthday meal. It was at a Japanese restaurant, so on the more pricey side, and DB1 and SIL left the restaurant before the bill came, according to them, because they “wanted to check out the new cafe next door.” They said “come by the cafe once we’re done eating!” then made a big show of paying for all of our coffees and pastries. Leaving before the bill comes is so rude! But acting like they were so generous by paying for the cafe was just too much. I’m sick of their miserly machinations, and just want a “system” or rotation so there isn’t any bill dodging and my mom no longer has to quietly hassle DB1 to pay for a greater share of the at home parties. I think the easiest thing would be we foot the bill for our own birthday, e.g., if I decide to eat at an expensive restaurant for my bday, my household pays for it, and take turns for our parents’ celebrations, but one wrinkle is that we do combined parties for birthdays that are close to each other, for instance, DB1 and my nephew’s birthdays are the same week. Any ideas for a good and simple system?? |
Anonymous
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I don’t know, contributing to a couple sides versus splitting the meat could possibly come out to around the same amount.
Same with all the pastries and coffees at a cafe - have you seen how much places are charging for coffee these days? Why should the party of two have to pay the same as the party of four (you)? |
Anonymous
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Ehhh. Stop hosting or coordinating these functions.
You will feel less burned. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like you all get together a lot. Every birthday? Adults and children? If it’s one of your kid’s birthday, I would invite everyone for cake. As for the dodging brother and SIL (your words), do they purchase presents for birthdays and Christmas for your kids? Maybe they think they do enough? |
Anonymous
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Who chose the Japanese restaurant?
Who wants to have a bunch of coffee and pastries immediately after eating dinner? |
Anonymous
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If this behavior has been going on for this long, then unfortunately DB1 is never going to change and you may just need to accept that your DB1 is a very selfish person.
I would try to speak up and call them out for their behavior in the future. Example, as they’re getting up to leave the table, ask out loud if they paid their share and not to leave before they pay. Be specific to exactly what they need to bring to events so they can’t cheap skate out. Perhaps also have them add monetary contributions to the main dishes and liquor. Start calling them out more so they know what douche bags they are for being rich and not contributing as much as the financially struggling families. I’m so sorry that I have no good sound advice. |
Anonymous
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I think this is who they are and they have gotten used to it. I would move away from expensive restaurant gatherings. They don’t want to pay for it and your other brother can’t afford it.
For the house gatherings again make it more affordable. Don’t plan on expensive meats if you dont want to pay for it yourself. |
Anonymous
| Ask for seperate checks and pay for the grandparents. |
Anonymous
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Potluck the events at your homes. Assign foods so everyone has a chance to supply different things each time.
Split the bill at the restaurant meals. Choose cheaper restaurants. Or let it go. |
Anonymous
+1 split the checks. Assign items to bring to potlucks. Don’t invite people to your family’s birthday celebrations if you din’t plan to pick up the whole bill without keeping mental ious. |
Anonymous
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Absolutely separate checks, and specify it in advance so people know to expect it.
At a home, whoever initiates and hosts decides. “I’ll order enough pizza for all. Sister can you bring dessert? Brother can you bring a salad?” I do think that whoever is hosting should plan to provide the majority of the food. We were at a wealthy family member for a recent gathering and right before the evening was over they asked how much we wanted to chip in for the food. We were taken aback. We have the money and don’t mind contributing, but it was a super awkward question after the fact, while also not specifying “we are splitting this 4 ways and here’s the total.” |
Anonymous
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OP there are at least three ways to allocate group meal costs.
1. add up what each person or family ordered, plus tax and tip. 2. Split total by number of people in each family. So 2 person family pays less than 4 people. 3. By the wealth or disposable income of each family. This is what you seem to prefer. The 2 person family is rich and should pay more than the struggling ones. Separate checks gets you #1. |
Anonymous
| Why should they pay for your meals and your kids meals? |
Anonymous
| Seems like the underlying issue is you are spending above your means. Go to cheaper restaurants. |
Anonymous
+1 However, OP will advise that they make more $ 🙄 |