Husband and friend trips

[Anonymous]

My husband came to me and asked to go on three friend trips next year. These trips would be around 4 or 5 days and take place during the school year.

The issue is we have three children including a toddler. All three go to different schools and I work a full time job. We have very limited support as our family lives in another state. I said I didn't agree with him going on these trips because it means I have to take leave from work and one of the trips is the week before spring break.

My husband insists I am wrong and being controlling. He went on a trip this year with his brother and I was fine with it but due to my work hours and our kids school schedule I had to arrive late and take off early every single day that he was gone.

Im trying to determine if I am in the wrong for how I feel. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Has he always been like this? I’m confused as to why you would have 3 kids with someone like this who can’t seem to understand the burden all these trips would place on you. Can you compromise and he can go on 1-2 trips instead of 3?

[Anonymous]

Three week-long trips without wife and kids (when it's not for work) is a LOT. One long weekend with friends would be reasonable for EACH spouse. But for a week? No. Three times in a year? No. He wanted a family, now he's got one. He needs to be a family man, not dip in and out when it's fun.

[Anonymous]

I guess it matters what the friends trips are for. Like I'd be fine if they were a friend's 40th or a bachelor party trip versus 3 random trips to Mexico to just drink. Are you all taking couple trips or family trips too?

1-2 sounds more reasonable IMO.

[Anonymous]

If you also get three weeks of your choosing away with friends while he's on solo duty, then you're being unreasonable.

But I think it's pretty obvious that's not what's happening.

[Anonymous]

This wouldn't bother me, but my husband would support me on any trip I wanted to take.

Why do you have to take leave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This wouldn't bother me, but my husband would support me on any trip I wanted to take.

Why do you have to take leave?

NP. DH and I have to take leave when the other is out of town. We stagger our work schedules in order to get kids from activities. Like I work 7-3:30, but if DH is gone, I have to take the kids to school at 8am (he always takes the kids to school) and I won't get to work until 8:30. I can't stay late at work to make up hours.

[Anonymous]

No, 12-15 days off from a young family is insane.

Pick one max.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t just outright deny it but I would tell him to see what solutions he can come up with. I would y take time off work so he would need to figure out how to get the kids to school. Maybe hire help etc.

He is planning far in advance and in the end maybe all 3 won’t be possible or maybe 1 or 2 are. I don’t think it makes anyone a bad parent to take trips with friends / family.
We do them.

If you are a team then you work together to see what’s possible or and doable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This wouldn't bother me, but my husband would support me on any trip I wanted to take.

Why do you have to take leave?

Because of the start and end times for school. One of my kids school doesn't allow drop off before 8:45. Its incredibly inconvenient. So when I drop her off I am not able to get to work until 9:30. I used to work from home full time so it was manageable but now we have three kids at three schools all with different drop off and pick up times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Three week-long trips without wife and kids (when it's not for work) is a LOT. One long weekend with friends would be reasonable for EACH spouse. But for a week? No. Three times in a year? No. He wanted a family, now he's got one. He needs to be a family man, not dip in and out when it's fun.

My husband and I each do multiple friend trips a year BUT we had a full-time nanny or a grandparent come stay and help when the kids were littler and the trips were generally over a weekend so 4 days was only 2 work days and 2 weekend days, not 5 work days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Three week-long trips without wife and kids (when it's not for work) is a LOT. One long weekend with friends would be reasonable for EACH spouse. But for a week? No. Three times in a year? No. He wanted a family, now he's got one. He needs to be a family man, not dip in and out when it's fun.

She said 4 or 5 days and she didn’t say they were during the week. They could be long weekends.

And I don’t think a parent who is away for 12-15 days and parents the other 350+ is someone who is dipping in and out when it’s fun or not caring about their family!

[Anonymous]

I think your issues run deeper than the surface level problem implies. My husband would not want to spend 3 weeks of his annual vacation time with friends, away from his kids and wife, especially when doing so would cause an extra burden on me. I’m all for long weekend trips, in moderation, but your DH’s attitude is so selfish and entitled.

[Anonymous]

This is not the time of life for him to be taking those trips. He needs to wait until the kids are older/out of the house.

[Anonymous]

12-15 days is a typical amount of vacation for a new white collar employee at a non-prestige US employer.

To me, with my fancy MBA, that's half my annual discretionary vacation. Of course I get a lot of holidays (as much as feds, because my employer is unionized).

It's 3 work weeks.

It's not insignificant.