How to deal with teenage a-holery?

[Anonymous]

Our oldest just turned 14 and it has been such a doozy. This is the child with which it seems every other standard parenting trick has zero effect. We have multiple, so the contrast is very noticeable. She has never been influenced by any external pressures (whether it's peer pressure or parental pressure) and is resistant to any guidance, advice, help, etc. Consequences never worked.

This was difficult in and of itself, but now at 14, the straight up meanness has gotten out of control. Very beyond the pale stuff. Calling us stupid, idiots, wishing us dead, telling us she hates us and wouldn't care about us at all at our funerals, and hoping we both burn in hell. And then the next second, she is completely normal, asking where me where the cookies are that I baked earlier.

She is pretty much also refusing to do basic chores or help out around the house, and basically saying that we can't make her do anything. We can't get into a power struggle, because it is such a trigger for her. Any slight inclination of control causes her to act out in extreme ways. It's causing negative ripple effects on our whole family, as her siblings witness her diabolical behavior.

How would you deal with this issue?

[Anonymous]

What have you been saying to her when she calls you names and wishes you dead?

[Anonymous]

You & dad need to tighten up the disciple & consequences for ill behavior.

[Anonymous]

We went through similar. I’m not sure anything worked perfectly. But we took away the phone, the weekend plans with friends, as consequences. Maybe go full silent treatment until she apologizes for her actions. Does she at least get good grades? If so hold onto that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What have you been saying to her when she calls you names and wishes you dead?

That's completely inappropriate and not ok. Sometimes she says sorry. And then she'll say "but i'm not actually sorry". Sometimes she'll backtalk even more, like "YOU'RE NOT OK. If you had more than 2 brain cells, you'd know that". Then I might say "Do you talk to any of your teachers like that? Then what makes you think you can talk like that to your own parents?" Then she'll say "Because you're the ones who are acting like IDIOTS"

Absolutely nothing works with her. I'm at a loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We went through similar. I’m not sure anything worked perfectly. But we took away the phone, the weekend plans with friends, as consequences. Maybe go full silent treatment until she apologizes for her actions. Does she at least get good grades? If so hold onto that.

She gets excellent grades. I don't believe a silent treatment is the best way to handle. She will never give a sincere apology in her life, I'm pretty sure of that. She seems incapable of taking any responsibility for her actions.

I have occasionally given consequences to her. They are either ineffective, or they just exacerbate the issues. She doesn't seem to care about anything. She never spends time or talks with any friends. She could care less about a phone or friends, or weekend plans.

[Anonymous]

How much money fo you have? Can you send her to some therapeutic boarding school until she's 18 and on her own? Tell her you might be idiots but you are smart enough not to put up with her any more. Save the other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You & dad need to tighten up the disciple & consequences for ill behavior.

This has usually backfired on us. At this stage in her life, we are sure it will backfire even more.

[Anonymous]

I’m a mom to six daughters (27,25,22,20,18,15) and I always made it clear that we don’t tolerate disrespect in the name of “teen moods” or hormones. 2 of them were a little disrespectful mainly around 12-14, and we treated it the same way we treated anything else, there were consequences. It should’ve never got the point where your kid feels comfortable saying these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a mom to six daughters (27,25,22,20,18,15) and I always made it clear that we don’t tolerate disrespect in the name of “teen moods” or hormones. 2 of them were a little disrespectful mainly around 12-14, and we treated it the same way we treated anything else, there were consequences. It should’ve never got the point where your kid feels comfortable saying these things.

Preach!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went through similar. I’m not sure anything worked perfectly. But we took away the phone, the weekend plans with friends, as consequences. Maybe go full silent treatment until she apologizes for her actions. Does she at least get good grades? If so hold onto that.

She gets excellent grades. I don't believe a silent treatment is the best way to handle. She will never give a sincere apology in her life, I'm pretty sure of that. She seems incapable of taking any responsibility for her actions.

I have occasionally given consequences to her. They are either ineffective, or they just exacerbate the issues. She doesn't seem to care about anything. She never spends time or talks with any friends. She could care less about a phone or friends, or weekend plans.

I would get her evaluated for depression. Sometimes it doesn't present as sadness, it presents as anger or irritability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a mom to six daughters (27,25,22,20,18,15) and I always made it clear that we don’t tolerate disrespect in the name of “teen moods” or hormones. 2 of them were a little disrespectful mainly around 12-14, and we treated it the same way we treated anything else, there were consequences. It should’ve never got the point where your kid feels comfortable saying these things.

Our daughter often just doubles down when given a consequence. It's gotten to the point where she just says something even more awful, and/or she refuses to go to sleep, refuses to eat, or she refuses to speak to us for days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went through similar. I’m not sure anything worked perfectly. But we took away the phone, the weekend plans with friends, as consequences. Maybe go full silent treatment until she apologizes for her actions. Does she at least get good grades? If so hold onto that.

She gets excellent grades. I don't believe a silent treatment is the best way to handle. She will never give a sincere apology in her life, I'm pretty sure of that. She seems incapable of taking any responsibility for her actions.

I have occasionally given consequences to her. They are either ineffective, or they just exacerbate the issues. She doesn't seem to care about anything. She never spends time or talks with any friends. She could care less about a phone or friends, or weekend plans.

I would get her evaluated for depression. Sometimes it doesn't present as sadness, it presents as anger or irritability.

We have scheduled an appointment with a therapist for her. But until then, what can we do in the meantime?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a mom to six daughters (27,25,22,20,18,15) and I always made it clear that we don’t tolerate disrespect in the name of “teen moods” or hormones. 2 of them were a little disrespectful mainly around 12-14, and we treated it the same way we treated anything else, there were consequences. It should’ve never got the point where your kid feels comfortable saying these things.

Our daughter often just doubles down when given a consequence. It's gotten to the point where she just says something even more awful, and/or she refuses to go to sleep, refuses to eat, or she refuses to speak to us for days.

Then there must be more going on.
Maybe get her a psych evaluation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went through similar. I’m not sure anything worked perfectly. But we took away the phone, the weekend plans with friends, as consequences. Maybe go full silent treatment until she apologizes for her actions. Does she at least get good grades? If so hold onto that.

She gets excellent grades. I don't believe a silent treatment is the best way to handle. She will never give a sincere apology in her life, I'm pretty sure of that. She seems incapable of taking any responsibility for her actions.

I have occasionally given consequences to her. They are either ineffective, or they just exacerbate the issues. She doesn't seem to care about anything. She never spends time or talks with any friends. She could care less about a phone or friends, or weekend plans.

I would get her evaluated for depression. Sometimes it doesn't present as sadness, it presents as anger or irritability.

Sounds like PDA, Autism.