How to deal with teenage a-holery?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went through similar. I’m not sure anything worked perfectly. But we took away the phone, the weekend plans with friends, as consequences. Maybe go full silent treatment until she apologizes for her actions. Does she at least get good grades? If so hold onto that.

She gets excellent grades. I don't believe a silent treatment is the best way to handle. She will never give a sincere apology in her life, I'm pretty sure of that. She seems incapable of taking any responsibility for her actions.

I have occasionally given consequences to her. They are either ineffective, or they just exacerbate the issues. She doesn't seem to care about anything. She never spends time or talks with any friends. She could care less about a phone or friends, or weekend plans.

I would get her evaluated for depression. Sometimes it doesn't present as sadness, it presents as anger or irritability.

We have scheduled an appointment with a therapist for her. But until then, what can we do in the meantime?

A therapist won't be able to diagnose anything or prescribe medication. I would get a mental health screening from her pediatrician.

In the interim, you acknowledge that this is a problem that is beyond you, you hold your boundary and don't escalate. Protect your other kids from her nastiness. Try to make sure she is sleeping and eating enough and is well hydrated. Just try to get by until you can get some help.

[Anonymous]

Next time she says she wishes you dead, push back. Hopefully she will threaten violence. Then get herv a 72 hour hold eval. Again, do you have money? Get her out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went through similar. I’m not sure anything worked perfectly. But we took away the phone, the weekend plans with friends, as consequences. Maybe go full silent treatment until she apologizes for her actions. Does she at least get good grades? If so hold onto that.

She gets excellent grades. I don't believe a silent treatment is the best way to handle. She will never give a sincere apology in her life, I'm pretty sure of that. She seems incapable of taking any responsibility for her actions.

I have occasionally given consequences to her. They are either ineffective, or they just exacerbate the issues. She doesn't seem to care about anything. She never spends time or talks with any friends. She could care less about a phone or friends, or weekend plans.

I would get her evaluated for depression. Sometimes it doesn't present as sadness, it presents as anger or irritability.

We have scheduled an appointment with a therapist for her. But until then, what can we do in the meantime?

A therapist won't be able to diagnose anything or prescribe medication. I would get a mental health screening from her pediatrician.

In the interim, you acknowledge that this is a problem that is beyond you, you hold your boundary and don't escalate. Protect your other kids from her nastiness. Try to make sure she is sleeping and eating enough and is well hydrated. Just try to get by until you can get some help.

Also, the other thing to try in the interim is exercise and more time out of the house and away from family. If you can arrange it, have her do some sort of sport or dance or volunteer work.

[Anonymous]

Don't give her any money. Turn her out of the house at 18. Don't pay for her college. Let her fail and learn hard life lessons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't give her any money. Turn her out of the house at 18. Don't pay for her college. Let her fail and learn hard life lessons.

I can't do this. The thing is, she says she can't wait until she's 18 and can get away from us and never call or visit us ever again. But I'm honestly worried that her personality makes it so that she will never be able to be independent on her own or be able to thrive.

There are clearly things she can do to make her life work better, healthy habits and such, but she is 100 percent resistant to any guidance, and then she slips down a slippery slope very quickly. I want to give her the skills to be able to have a decent, balanced life.

[Anonymous]

OP,

You MUST have this child evaluated. Her behavior is not normal. My kids and other relatives between themselves have bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, autism and severe inattentive or hyperactive ADHD, but they are not intentionally and consistently cruel. Your child's behavior reads like oppositional defiance disorder, which occurs in some instances of autism spectrum disorder.

If you're in the DC area, I highly recommend the Stixrud Group in Silver Spring, MD. Their psychologists are very experienced. A full neuropsych will last 2 days and about 8 hours and cost you upwards of 5K, depending on the battery of tests they give her. The tests are not the same for each individual, some will be added specifically to address descriptions of the patient from parents/teachers. They will determine which tests to give her in a two hour long conversation with you, plus questionnaires filled out by you and two of her teachers. They will also explain her test results in a feedback session, and write a detailed formal report, with recommendations for future management of any diagnosis, including school services and accommodations, targeted therapies, and psychiatrist follow-up for meds, if applicable.

Please call a psychologist's practice ASAP because the best ones have a few months of back-up and you need to address this before it gets worse. It will take years to fully understand what you can do with her, and what resources are at your disposal, once you have a diagnosis.

Best of luck. It's very hard.

[Anonymous]

Psychiatrist and meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went through similar. I’m not sure anything worked perfectly. But we took away the phone, the weekend plans with friends, as consequences. Maybe go full silent treatment until she apologizes for her actions. Does she at least get good grades? If so hold onto that.

She gets excellent grades. I don't believe a silent treatment is the best way to handle. She will never give a sincere apology in her life, I'm pretty sure of that. She seems incapable of taking any responsibility for her actions.

I have occasionally given consequences to her. They are either ineffective, or they just exacerbate the issues. She doesn't seem to care about anything. She never spends time or talks with any friends. She could care less about a phone or friends, or weekend plans.

I would get her evaluated for depression. Sometimes it doesn't present as sadness, it presents as anger or irritability.

We have scheduled an appointment with a therapist for her. But until then, what can we do in the meantime?

A therapist won't be able to diagnose anything or prescribe medication. I would get a mental health screening from her pediatrician.

In the interim, you acknowledge that this is a problem that is beyond you, you hold your boundary and don't escalate. Protect your other kids from her nastiness. Try to make sure she is sleeping and eating enough and is well hydrated. Just try to get by until you can get some help.

Also, the other thing to try in the interim is exercise and more time out of the house and away from family. If you can arrange it, have her do some sort of sport or dance or volunteer work.

I totally agree with you. I have been trying to get her to exercise - even something as a simple as a walk, either on her own or with me, but she refuses. There is one exercise class we basically drag her to every week, kicking and screaming, but we refuse to let her give it up because otherwise she would do nothing and refuses to do any other physical activity. We have been unsuccessful with getting her to do other activities. Straight up refuses. As much as she says she hates us, she only wants to be at home only feels safe here. She hates school even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went through similar. I’m not sure anything worked perfectly. But we took away the phone, the weekend plans with friends, as consequences. Maybe go full silent treatment until she apologizes for her actions. Does she at least get good grades? If so hold onto that.

She gets excellent grades. I don't believe a silent treatment is the best way to handle. She will never give a sincere apology in her life, I'm pretty sure of that. She seems incapable of taking any responsibility for her actions.

I have occasionally given consequences to her. They are either ineffective, or they just exacerbate the issues. She doesn't seem to care about anything. She never spends time or talks with any friends. She could care less about a phone or friends, or weekend plans.

I would get her evaluated for depression. Sometimes it doesn't present as sadness, it presents as anger or irritability.

We have scheduled an appointment with a therapist for her. But until then, what can we do in the meantime?

A therapist won't be able to diagnose anything or prescribe medication. I would get a mental health screening from her pediatrician.

In the interim, you acknowledge that this is a problem that is beyond you, you hold your boundary and don't escalate. Protect your other kids from her nastiness. Try to make sure she is sleeping and eating enough and is well hydrated. Just try to get by until you can get some help.

Also, the other thing to try in the interim is exercise and more time out of the house and away from family. If you can arrange it, have her do some sort of sport or dance or volunteer work.

I totally agree with you. I have been trying to get her to exercise - even something as a simple as a walk, either on her own or with me, but she refuses. There is one exercise class we basically drag her to every week, kicking and screaming, but we refuse to let her give it up because otherwise she would do nothing and refuses to do any other physical activity. We have been unsuccessful with getting her to do other activities. Straight up refuses. As much as she says she hates us, she only wants to be at home only feels safe here. She hates school even more.

This is extreme behavior.
Has she always been like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

You MUST have this child evaluated. Her behavior is not normal. My kids and other relatives between themselves have bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, autism and severe inattentive or hyperactive ADHD, but they are not intentionally and consistently cruel. Your child's behavior reads like oppositional defiance disorder, which occurs in some instances of autism spectrum disorder.

If you're in the DC area, I highly recommend the Stixrud Group in Silver Spring, MD. Their psychologists are very experienced. A full neuropsych will last 2 days and about 8 hours and cost you upwards of 5K, depending on the battery of tests they give her. The tests are not the same for each individual, some will be added specifically to address descriptions of the patient from parents/teachers. They will determine which tests to give her in a two hour long conversation with you, plus questionnaires filled out by you and two of her teachers. They will also explain her test results in a feedback session, and write a detailed formal report, with recommendations for future management of any diagnosis, including school services and accommodations, targeted therapies, and psychiatrist follow-up for meds, if applicable.

Please call a psychologist's practice ASAP because the best ones have a few months of back-up and you need to address this before it gets worse. It will take years to fully understand what you can do with her, and what resources are at your disposal, once you have a diagnosis.

Best of luck. It's very hard.

Me again. I posted before reading the other responses. "Therapist" is a vague term, and if you're talking about talk therapy, then it will be of no use whatsoever currently, because what she needs is an in-depth examination of how her brain works, if she's at all amenable to it. Therapists are not licensed to conduct neuropsychological examinations - only psychologists are, ones with PhDs. It's a completely different field of expertise. A therapist might be useful for the "victims", to seek ways to process their emotions And for your child, in the future, in a DBT/CBT setting (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy / Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), to learn ways to be more self-aware and less reactive to others, but only if she recognizes she has a problem and wants to do better...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

You MUST have this child evaluated. Her behavior is not normal. My kids and other relatives between themselves have bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, autism and severe inattentive or hyperactive ADHD, but they are not intentionally and consistently cruel. Your child's behavior reads like oppositional defiance disorder, which occurs in some instances of autism spectrum disorder.

If you're in the DC area, I highly recommend the Stixrud Group in Silver Spring, MD. Their psychologists are very experienced. A full neuropsych will last 2 days and about 8 hours and cost you upwards of 5K, depending on the battery of tests they give her. The tests are not the same for each individual, some will be added specifically to address descriptions of the patient from parents/teachers. They will determine which tests to give her in a two hour long conversation with you, plus questionnaires filled out by you and two of her teachers. They will also explain her test results in a feedback session, and write a detailed formal report, with recommendations for future management of any diagnosis, including school services and accommodations, targeted therapies, and psychiatrist follow-up for meds, if applicable.

Please call a psychologist's practice ASAP because the best ones have a few months of back-up and you need to address this before it gets worse. It will take years to fully understand what you can do with her, and what resources are at your disposal, once you have a diagnosis.

Best of luck. It's very hard.

Thanks for this. I should have mentioned this, but we are already in the process of getting her evaluated. And I'm really glad we are doing it now before it gets worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went through similar. I’m not sure anything worked perfectly. But we took away the phone, the weekend plans with friends, as consequences. Maybe go full silent treatment until she apologizes for her actions. Does she at least get good grades? If so hold onto that.

She gets excellent grades. I don't believe a silent treatment is the best way to handle. She will never give a sincere apology in her life, I'm pretty sure of that. She seems incapable of taking any responsibility for her actions.

I have occasionally given consequences to her. They are either ineffective, or they just exacerbate the issues. She doesn't seem to care about anything. She never spends time or talks with any friends. She could care less about a phone or friends, or weekend plans.

I would get her evaluated for depression. Sometimes it doesn't present as sadness, it presents as anger or irritability.

We have scheduled an appointment with a therapist for her. But until then, what can we do in the meantime?

A therapist won't be able to diagnose anything or prescribe medication. I would get a mental health screening from her pediatrician.

In the interim, you acknowledge that this is a problem that is beyond you, you hold your boundary and don't escalate. Protect your other kids from her nastiness. Try to make sure she is sleeping and eating enough and is well hydrated. Just try to get by until you can get some help.

Also, the other thing to try in the interim is exercise and more time out of the house and away from family. If you can arrange it, have her do some sort of sport or dance or volunteer work.

I totally agree with you. I have been trying to get her to exercise - even something as a simple as a walk, either on her own or with me, but she refuses. There is one exercise class we basically drag her to every week, kicking and screaming, but we refuse to let her give it up because otherwise she would do nothing and refuses to do any other physical activity. We have been unsuccessful with getting her to do other activities. Straight up refuses. As much as she says she hates us, she only wants to be at home only feels safe here. She hates school even more.

This is extreme behavior.
Has she always been like this?

Which part? To some extent she's been like this since she was born. Now that she's a teen, I think she realizes that there's really nothing we can absolutely force her to do and so she's digging her heels in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't give her any money. Turn her out of the house at 18. Don't pay for her college. Let her fail and learn hard life lessons.

This is the best way to ensure your kid ends up living in the street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went through similar. I’m not sure anything worked perfectly. But we took away the phone, the weekend plans with friends, as consequences. Maybe go full silent treatment until she apologizes for her actions. Does she at least get good grades? If so hold onto that.

She gets excellent grades. I don't believe a silent treatment is the best way to handle. She will never give a sincere apology in her life, I'm pretty sure of that. She seems incapable of taking any responsibility for her actions.

I have occasionally given consequences to her. They are either ineffective, or they just exacerbate the issues. She doesn't seem to care about anything. She never spends time or talks with any friends. She could care less about a phone or friends, or weekend plans.

I would get her evaluated for depression. Sometimes it doesn't present as sadness, it presents as anger or irritability.

We have scheduled an appointment with a therapist for her. But until then, what can we do in the meantime?

A therapist won't be able to diagnose anything or prescribe medication. I would get a mental health screening from her pediatrician.

In the interim, you acknowledge that this is a problem that is beyond you, you hold your boundary and don't escalate. Protect your other kids from her nastiness. Try to make sure she is sleeping and eating enough and is well hydrated. Just try to get by until you can get some help.

Also, the other thing to try in the interim is exercise and more time out of the house and away from family. If you can arrange it, have her do some sort of sport or dance or volunteer work.

I totally agree with you. I have been trying to get her to exercise - even something as a simple as a walk, either on her own or with me, but she refuses. There is one exercise class we basically drag her to every week, kicking and screaming, but we refuse to let her give it up because otherwise she would do nothing and refuses to do any other physical activity. We have been unsuccessful with getting her to do other activities. Straight up refuses. As much as she says she hates us, she only wants to be at home only feels safe here. She hates school even more.

This is extreme behavior.
Has she always been like this?

Which part? To some extent she's been like this since she was born. Now that she's a teen, I think she realizes that there's really nothing we can absolutely force her to do and so she's digging her heels in.

Refusal to go outside, school, or leave the house. Refusing to eat, sleep, or talk when angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

You MUST have this child evaluated. Her behavior is not normal. My kids and other relatives between themselves have bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, autism and severe inattentive or hyperactive ADHD, but they are not intentionally and consistently cruel. Your child's behavior reads like oppositional defiance disorder, which occurs in some instances of autism spectrum disorder.

If you're in the DC area, I highly recommend the Stixrud Group in Silver Spring, MD. Their psychologists are very experienced. A full neuropsych will last 2 days and about 8 hours and cost you upwards of 5K, depending on the battery of tests they give her. The tests are not the same for each individual, some will be added specifically to address descriptions of the patient from parents/teachers. They will determine which tests to give her in a two hour long conversation with you, plus questionnaires filled out by you and two of her teachers. They will also explain her test results in a feedback session, and write a detailed formal report, with recommendations for future management of any diagnosis, including school services and accommodations, targeted therapies, and psychiatrist follow-up for meds, if applicable.

Please call a psychologist's practice ASAP because the best ones have a few months of back-up and you need to address this before it gets worse. It will take years to fully understand what you can do with her, and what resources are at your disposal, once you have a diagnosis.

Best of luck. It's very hard.

Me again. I posted before reading the other responses. "Therapist" is a vague term, and if you're talking about talk therapy, then it will be of no use whatsoever currently, because what she needs is an in-depth examination of how her brain works, if she's at all amenable to it. Therapists are not licensed to conduct neuropsychological examinations - only psychologists are, ones with PhDs. It's a completely different field of expertise. A therapist might be useful for the "victims", to seek ways to process their emotions And for your child, in the future, in a DBT/CBT setting (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy / Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), to learn ways to be more self-aware and less reactive to others, but only if she recognizes she has a problem and wants to do better...

I said above, but we are already in the process of having her evaluated.

She is in perfect 100 percent denial that there is any problem, and there is absolutely no acknowledgement of her own limitations or that outside guidance might help her in any way. It's really a personality mix that seems impossible to work with, so we are planning on getting some professional guidance on that.